This Is Obviously Not Her Calling

, , , | Working | February 5, 2018

(I am a customer of a large cellular company. I discover that none of the phones on my account are working. I use my landline to call tech support. After a fairly long wait, the tech gets on the phone and verifies all my account details. This includes my address and current location.)

Me: “Before I realized it was all the phones on my account, I restarted the phone. That didn’t help, so I took out the battery, waited 60 seconds, replaced it, and powered up. Still nothing. None of the phones can make or receive calls or texts, and we cannot access any data.”

Tech #1: “I’m going to ask you to power off your phone and restart it.”

Me: “I told you. I did that.”

Tech #1: “Ma’am, I’m trying to help you, but you need to follow my instructions.”

Me: “Fine.” *powering off phone* “Are you telling me that powering off and on my phone will fix all the phones on my account?”

Tech #1: “Yes, ma’am.”

Me: “It’s started back up.”

Tech #1: “Which phone are you calling about?”

Me: “As I said before, every phone on the account has the same problem, but the one currently in my hand is [number].”

Tech #1: “Okay, I need you to call this number to be sure your phone is now working. Please dial [number].”

Me: “From the phone that isn’t working? Okay, I told it to call, but it’s stuck on this endless loop. It just say, ‘dialing.’”

Tech #1: “You need to call that number.”

Me: “I can’t. It says, ‘dialing,’ for about 30 seconds, then it says, ‘call failed.’”

Tech #1: “I’m going to have to send you to level two support. Please wait. I will enter all your details so you don’t have to repeat anything. Please do not repeat anything, because I am entering everything. While I’m doing that, I see you are eligible for an upgrade. Would you like to order a new phone?”

Me: “A new phone when none of mine currently have service? I don’t think so.”

Tech #1: “Please hold. I’m transferring now.”

(After a long wait on hold, I get a new tech. They have NONE of my information, and I have to repeat everything, account details, what went on with the first tech, etc.)

Tech #2: “Ma’am, I am so sorry. There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it. She wasted a ton of your time. We’re having a serious network outage. Your entire area is without service. Since it’s a huge area, I’m going to guess it will be fixed quickly, but we have no estimated time. I am really sorry.”

Me: “So, I restarted my phone and tried to make phone calls for what reason?”

Tech #2: “I have no idea. As soon as she saw your address, she should have been aware that the entire state is without service. It should have been the first thing she said.”

(I ended the call. Several hours later, service was restored. My elderly mother got repeated calls and texts from the first tech who clearly did not note which number I was calling from. One of them was a request to rate her service. I did.)

Fixing Technical Issues Is A Real Beach

, , , | Right | February 1, 2018

(I have set up a mail account on a client’s laptop, SSL and all. Everything is working smoothly until one day the client calls me. The client is located on an island and has no easy access to local tech support.)

Client: “Can you help me? I cannot send or receive emails anymore. I think it started when Thunderbird got updated.”

(After three hours of using a super-slow remote connection session that keeps disconnecting, I end up reinstalling Thunderbird. I also delete and re-create the account. But still nothing. I am now sure the router has a problem.)

Me: “I believe there is something wrong with your router. Did you or anyone else mess with the router settings? Can you give me access to it so I can check?”

Client: “That is not my router. I am at a beach house today and I am using the beach-bar’s free Wi-Fi.”

Me: “…”

(I charged her twice the usual support fee, and I learned a valuable lesson: before you begin any remote tech support job, first ask the whereabouts of the client’s computer.)

They Deserve To Be Locked Up In A Cell

, , , | Right | January 31, 2018

(A mobile customer calls in to check if her bill is due.)

Me: “I can definitely check to see if your mobile bill is due. I’ll just need the cell phone number, please.”

Customer: *gives me the number*

Me: “Okay, I searched that number and it’s not bringing up any results. Is this for your mobile account?”

Customer: “That’s the correct number. I only have one number.”

Me: “So, the number is [number]?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it doesn’t appear that this number is with our cellular services.”

Customer: “Well, no, it wouldn’t be. It’s my home number. My cell number is [other number].”

A Virus On Your Marriage

, , , , , , | Right | January 31, 2018

(I work for a large electronics store that also does tech support. An older gentleman comes up to the support counter with a new high-end laptop.)

Me: “Thanks for coming in to [Company]. I’m [My Name]. How can I help you out today?”

Customer: “I bought this laptop here last week and there’s something wrong with it.”

Me: “Okay, let’s just take a look here.”

(I power on the laptop and find that it is clearly infected with a virus that keeps pulling up pornographic content.)

Me: “Looks like you have a pretty nasty virus infection going on. We can get that cleared up for [price].”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! It came like that!”

Me: “Sir, I guarantee you that it did not.”

Customer: “Yes, it did, but it doesn’t matter. I bought the warranty, so you have to fix it for free, anyway.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the warranty does not cover viruses. It only covers if it physically breaks, like if the screen cracks, or something.”

(The customer then picks up the laptop and spikes it to the ground like a football.)

Customer: “There. Now it’s physically broken. Take the d*** thing!”

Me: “The warranty also does not cover intentional damage.”

Customer: *as he is being escorted out by security* “You ruined my marriage! I’m going to get divorced because of you!”

Not Taking Account Of Their Stupidity

, , , | Right | January 29, 2018

(I work for a cell phone company. A customer calls in requesting his account number to transfer to another company.)

Customer: “I’m calling to get my account number.”

Me: “Sure! Your account number is [number].”

Customer: “No, it’s not.”

Me: “Sir, it shows me the account number right here. This is your account number.”

Customer: “No, it’s not. I know my account number.”

Me: “If you don’t mind me asking, if you know your account number, why did you call to ask me what it was?”

Customer: “Uh…” *hangs up*

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