(I work in a popular video game store. It’s Christmas, so we have a lot of stressed-out parents buying last-minute gifts. One woman barges past the long line of customers I am serving.)

Me: “I’ll be with you in a minute. I just have to serve these customers first.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s just a question!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll try to do both. Go ahead.”

Customer: “Do you have Super Mario on the PS4?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid not. Mario is only for Nintendo; he’s their mascot, so he’s not on other platforms. Do you mean the Wii, WiiU, DS, or 3DS?”

Customer: *talking as if I was slow* “No! PLAYSTATION. He has a PEE-ESS-FOOOR! Check the computer; I know it exists! He told me!”

Me: *humouring her and checking the system* “I’m afraid there are no Mario titles for anything other than Nintendo. Are you sure he said PS4?”

Customer: “Look, my son probably knows more about games than you. He’s very smart! He specifically told me you could get it on PS4 now!”

Me: “I’m afraid he might have been misinformed or maybe misheard. Mario is only on Nintendo.”

Customer: “ARE YOU CALLING MY SON A LIAR?!”

Me: “No… I just was saying tha—”

Customer: “YOU’RE JUST HIDING IT FROM HONEST CUSTOMERS! YOU JUST DON’T WANT TO SELL IT TO ME!”

(She storms out and comes back several minutes later, pushing past customers who had been there when she first came in. She THRUSTS her phone in my face, open to a YouTube video.)

Customer: “SEE? MARIO NOW ON PS4! If you were any good at your job, you would know that!”

Me: “May I see that video, please?”

(She smirks and throws the phone at me. I just about catch it. I don’t watch the video, but instead, I open the description underneath. In capital letters are the words, “APRIL FOOLS, SUCKAS!” and yep, it was posted on 1st April. All the comments below are about how such a thing would never happen.)

Me: “I’m afraid this is a parody video. It was an April Fool’s joke; see right here?”

Customer: “WELL, HOW WAS MY SON MEANT TO KNOW THAT?! HE’S ONLY SEVEN!”

(She storms out, embarrassed and angry, as the customers she pushed past earlier are trying to hide their smirks.)

Manager: *deadpan whisper* “I thought she said her son was smart?”

Customer: “Do you have those plastic things that go in the holes in desks?”

Me: “Oh, grommets? Unfortunately, we don’t sell them in the store anymore, but you can get them online.”

Customer: “No, I know it’s not a grommet. It’s just a black plastic bit that makes the hole in your desk look nice. You know, where you feed your wires through and stuff.”

Me: “Yes, that’s a grommet. We used to have them in the store, but we don’t anymore.”

Customer: “No, no, it’s not a grommet. It’s for the hole in your desk where you feed your wires. I know you can also get some that have a little flap on them so they can close the hole up completely.”

Me: “Yes, I know exactly what you’re talking about. We don’t have them in the store.”

Customer: “Okay, but what would you call that?”

Me: “A grommet.”

Customer: “No, not a grommet. I can’t think of what it would be called. What would you call it?”

Me: “I would call it a grommet.”

Customer: “But that’s not what it is!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t know any other name for them, so I have no idea what I would search if that’s not the name you want to give it. But I know what you’re talking about and we don’t have them. If you need it today, maybe they have them at [Store]?”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll go look. So, if I go there and I need help, what should I tell them I’m looking for?”

Me: *regretfully* “A grommet.”

(I have a demolition business, and I get the following call.)

Me: “Hello, this is [Business].”

Customer: “I see you do demolition and I was wondering how it worked.”

Me: “What do you have that needs to be demolished?”

Customer: “A mobile home.”

Me: “Well, we come out and take a look at it, and then let you know how much it would be to do the work and haul off the debris. If you want to proceed with the work, then we would do it.”

Customer: “What, you mean I would have to pay you to get rid of it for me?”

Me: “Yes, that is our business. We do the work for money.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not going to pay to get it done when I can just give it to someone and they can tear it down for free.”

Me: “We are a business that gets paid for our services, but good luck with your project and thanks for calling.”

Customer: “Yeah, not going to pay you to do it, so thanks for nothing.” *click*

(Just wondering why he was calling a professional business in the first place when he had no intention of paying.)

(Like most places, we offer our signature burger with double patties. It even has its own combo number on the menu. There are no promotions or specials on it. We are, however, running a two-for-$7 special on our regular signature burger. I’m listening to this exchange over the drive-thru.)

Customer: “Can I get the double [signature burger]?” 

Cashier: “Absolutely. Would you like fries and a drink with that?”

Customer: “Yes, please.” 

Cashier: “Okay, your total today is [around $13].” 

Customer: “That’s the double?”

Cashier: “Yes, you have the double [burger] combo with fries and [drink].”

Customer: “Why is it so much?”

Cashier: “The double [burger] combo is [price] plus tax.”

Customer: “But the sign says the double is $7!”

Cashier: “Oh! You mean the two-for-$7!”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s what I said: the double!”

(My store has a space upstairs that we rent out for corporate events. Between the coffee shop in the building and leftovers from those corporate things, it’s pretty common for us employees to end up getting free snacks. One day, I’m working a half-shift as a greeter when a man in a suit comes up to me holding two prepackaged salads.)

Corporate Guy: “Hey! We’re renting, and we just let out for the day. Do you want a free lunch?”

(I’m pleasantly surprised, both by free food that hasn’t spent a few hours on the break room table and the fact that he walked halfway across the store to deliver it.)

Me: “Sure! Thank you so much!”

(The guy wanders off towards the checkout area, leaving me with my salad. About half an hour later, my replacement comes and I head to the customer service counter to clock out for my break.)

Coworker: “Are you going on lunch, [My Name]?”

Me: “Yep! And look, I have a whole meal this time!”

(I show him my salad, and he frowns.)

Coworker: “Where did you get that?”

Me: “One of the corporate rental guys. It was a leftover.”

Coworker: “You’re not allowed to take that.”

Me: “What? We get free food all the time.”

Coworker: “But that’s from the managers. This is a tip. We’re not allowed to accept tips.”

Me: “It’s not a tip, dude. This is just leftover food. It’s exactly the same as if they’d given it to the managers to give to us.”

Coworker: “But we’re not allowed to accept tips. I’m going to have to report you.”

Me: “Why? [Coworker], you’re overthinking this, seriously.”

(At this exact moment, the customer service supervisor happens to walk by.)

Supervisor: *checking schedule* “Hey, [My Name]. Did you go on your lunch break yet?”

Me: “Not yet. I was just about to go eat this free salad.”

(I show him the salad, while my coworker draws breath to speak.)

Coworker: “[Supervisor], she took a—“

Supervisor: “Nice choice.” *points to the employee shelf, where the other salad box is sitting, and winks* “You’ve got good taste. Enjoy your break!”