(We sell plumbing supplies mainly to the trade. We also have a coffee machine, fresh water, cold drinks, etc. A plumber comes in and walks up to the self-serve coffee machine. After about two minutes, I hear him fiddling with the cup and looking confused. I walk over.)
Plumber: “There’s something wrong with the machine.”
Me: “Oh, okay. What happened?”
Plumber: “I pressed ‘espresso’ but all I got was this really small coffee.”
Me: *internal laugh*
(My company has a benefit program where, for an annual fee, you can receive certain exclusive discounts, coupons, and sales offers. Depending on the amount you order in certain categories, you can rack up quite a bit of savings.)
Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”
Caller: “I’m on your website and I’m looking at [product]. I used to order this all the time as part of your [Benefit Program] for $27.99, but today it’s showing a price of $55.99.”
(I get his account number and pull up his company’s account information. He enrolled in the program eight months ago, but exactly a week ago, the program was cancelled and refunded in full, and his account was closed. He apparently signed up during an enrollment drive and so gotten the enrollment for $24 and, even though he had been using his benefits and saved several hundred dollars, he received a full refund instead of a prorated one, when usual procedure is to prorate a refund unless no savings have accrued.)
Me: “I apologize. I show that your office called to cancel your membership on [date]. The program was cancelled and refunded, and all [Program] benefits were cancelled.”
Caller: “Oh, yeah, they kept sending me past-due notices for $24, so I called and told them to cancel and close my account. I guess they must have taken me at my word.”
(I take a quick look at his invoices; the invoice that was past-due was the invoice for his enrollment fee.)
Me: “Yes, they did, sir.”
Caller: “So, can I still order [product]? Or should I go to [Competitor]?”
Me: “I can certainly reinstate your account. I can also re-enroll you in [Program], but you would need to pay the enrollment fee, which is what the $24 invoice was for. Or you can order [product] at regular price.”
Caller: “Okay, I will go to [Competitor].”
(I was actually relieved, because the special $24 discounted rate had long expired and, even if I had gotten approval to re-enroll him at that rate, he would probably have tried to get a full refund again a few months down the line.)
(I’m outing myself as the stupid customer here. A new aquarium opens a few towns over from where I live, and being a nature enthusiast, I decide to give it a visit. Midway through, I come upon a touch tank with horseshoe crabs and sea urchins inside it. I bend down to touch them, but I hesitate and turn to the attendant.)
Me: “These urchins won’t sting, will they?”
Attendant: “No, they’re pencil urchins. They’re perfectly safe, but they can grab your finger if you stick it between their spines.”
(I did that and felt the urchin trying to hold on. Satisfied, I headed off to the next exhibit. Five minutes later, I realized that I had actually asked if the TOUCH TANK contained stinging urchins. I had to sit on a bench for a few minutes, contemplating what I had become.)
(I work in a physical therapy office. This week we have had a snowstorm come through our town. It is not major but bad enough to cause all shops to close on Monday in our area. My IT guy has taken over our voicemail to say, “Thank you for calling [Company]. Our office is currently closed due to the weather. Please leave your message and we will get back to you upon opening tomorrow morning at 8:00 am.” We do open the next day like planned. Halfway through my day, I get the following phone call:)
Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you today?”
Client: “Hi. Yeah. I tried calling your office yesterday to see if you were open, but the phone went straight to a recording saying that you were closed. So, were you open yesterday?”
Me: *silent as I am stunned*
Client: “Hello? Was your office open yesterday?”
Me: “Um, sir, no, we were closed. That’s why the recording stated as such.”
Client: “Oh. Well, I wish you would have made it a little more obvious. I showed up for my appointment yesterday and saw that the office was dark. Thanks for nothing!” *hangs up*
Me: *bangs head on desk*
(It’s just a few weeks before my wedding, and I’m discussing with a coworker about honeymoon plans. It’s late September.)
Coworker: “Where do you guys plan on going for your honeymoon? Somewhere warm, I hope!”
Me: “No, I’m not big on warmer weather; I love autumn. We decided on Bar Harbor, Maine. It’s going to be peak season with the autumn colors and we’re both really looking forward to having a nice relaxing vacation together.”
Coworker: “Maine? Where’s that, east coast or west coast?”
Me: *seriously confused look, waiting for the joke*
Coworker: “Don’t look at me like that; it’s been a long time since I was in school!”
Me: “East coast.”
(I decided after that it was time to go home!)
