Customer: “This Transformers movie doesn’t work. I want to return it.”

Me: “That’s not a movie; it’s a Nintendo 3DS game.”

Customer: “It doesn’t even fit in my DVD player!”

Me: “Well, it wouldn’t, because it’s not a DVD; it’s a 3DS cartridge.”

Customer: “So how can I watch it? I want my money back.”

Me: “I’m not refunding you because your game won’t work in your DVD machine.”

Customer: *curses* “Well, I’ll just buy movies somewhere else from now on!”

Me: “That’s a good idea, ma’am, because we don’t sell movies.”

When I was in third grade, I often struggled to sleep. As most young kids do in that case, I would go to my parents.

I had not learnt how to tell time yet but knew that if the light in the hallway was on that at least one of my parents was still awake and in the living room. 

It was on. 

So, little, tired me walked into the living room — at what I later learned was 2:00 am — to see the back of my dad as he was turning off the TV and other devices. 

To get his attention, I tapped his shoulder.

His black-belt karate instincts kicked in and the only reason I wasn’t knocked out was that I was tiny. 

After much whisper-shouting, and after he realized that he had nearly punched his child, he finally got me to bed. I had to promise to always announce my presence from a distance and for a while carried the nickname of “Little Mouse.”

(Our company has a very similar number — the same number but in a slightly different order — to a popular banking institution. These kinds of calls are received on a daily basis. To get to my department, clients need to go through a full message which mentions our company name no fewer than three times.)

Me: “Good afternoon. You’ve reached [Company]. This is [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “How are you?”

Me: “Fine, thanks, and yourself?”

Caller: “I’m good, thank you. My ID number is [number].”

(We get this fairly often, and while we do store ID numbers for security purposes, we can’t search by them. These clients are almost always looking for the bank.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We aren’t able to search for clients by ID number. Are you sure that you are phoning for [Company]?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Great. Can you give me your full name?”

Caller: *gives name*

Me: “I’m afraid we don’t have any customers by that name. Are you sure that you are looking for [Company]?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay. Can you let us know what services you have with us?”

Caller: “I applied for a loan with you.”

Me: “Sir, we are an Internet service provider. Are you not looking for [Bank]?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “You have dialed the wrong number. This is [Company] not [Bank].”

Caller: “No, I called [eleven digit phone number].”

Me: “Sir, that is eleven digits. Phone numbers can only be ten digits.”

Caller: “But I got your number from your website.”

Me: “Yes, but you have dialed the wrong number. Dial again carefully.”

Caller: “No, this is [Bank].”

Me: “No, it is [Company].”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Sir, you have dialed the wrong number. Dial again carefully.” *hangs up*

(Two minutes later, my colleague picks up a call.)

Colleague: “Sir, are you looking for [Bank]?”

(I work at a food delivery company. I receive this call.)

Customer: “Hello, I would like to place an order. My number is [number].”

Me: “Right, that will be at [address]; is that correct?”

(There is a slight pause at this point.)

Customer: “Please repeat that.”

Me: “The address is [address].”

Customer: “Under which name?”

Me: “The name listed is [Other Customer] and the last order was on [date]. Is there a problem?”

Customer: “That’s the address of my friend.”

Me: “Oh, I understand. We can change that; where do you reside?”

Customer: “No, you don’t understand.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “I’m phoning from my husband’s phone. There’s not supposed to be a listed address other than ours.”

Me: “I… I don’t know what to say.”

(I’m feeling awkward and I can hear the customer reaching the point of tears.)

Customer: “He’s cheating on me. I knew it!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “It’s your fault! You took it to them; you should’ve let them starve!”

(She hung up and I was left confused and feeling responsible for some reason.)

This story is part of our Cheaters roundup!

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(It’s some time before sunrise on a cold, rainy day. I decide to stop by a fast food restaurant on my way to work. While ordering, it seems to me that the lady on the microphone isn’t feeling too happy, and who can blame her with this weather? I decide to help out.)

Me: “Listen, can I buy you guys some coffee? How many of you are in there right now?”

Worker: “Really? There’s five of us.”

Me: “Okay, add five coffees to the bill. Enjoy!”

(She thanks me and everything proceeds as normal. But as I’m paying, the manager stomps up to the window, utterly livid. All but yelling, he points a stabbing finger at the worker.)

Manager: “Did they ask for coffees?!”

(I don’t figure out immediately what he is implying and wonder whether one of them may have wanted some other drink.)

Me: “Yeah, they all did.”

Worker: *suddenly struck with terror* “No! No!”

(I realize that the manager means whether the worker asked me to get them something in the first place, and I panic slightly, not wanting them to get into trouble.)

Me: “Oh! No, they didn’t ask first, I offered… Everyone looked miserable and I thought I’d cheer them up! On my own initiative! It was my idea!”

Manager: *crossing his arms skeptically* “Really. Okay, here’s your meal.” *hands me my meal* “Good-bye.”

(As I drive off, I look in my rear-view mirror to see the manager sticking his head out of the window, sneering, and shaking his head, before going back inside abruptly and slamming the window. I get that there may have been some earlier incident to bring on this hefty reaction, but wow, guy. I only hope the workers didn’t get into further trouble. What a way to start the week.)