(I am working with my fourth-grade cub scouts on an outdoor activity involving cooking over an open fire, building emergency shelters, and learning the “Leave No Trace” principles for being in the wild.)

Me: “The first principle of Leave No Trace is, ‘Know before you go.’ What do you think that means?”

(The kids scratch their heads for a moment. Then, one of them pipes up.)

Kid #1: “Be careful where you go to the bathroom?”

(I just lose it laughing for about five minutes before I explain that it means to know what conditions you are going to encounter, make sure you are prepared, etc. After I recover, we go on to the second principle:)

Me: “The next principle is, ‘Choose the right path.’”

Kid #2: “To pee on?”

(I tried to steer things away from the bathroom. But the next two were, “Trash your trash,” and, “Leave what you find,” which, of course, the kids also managed to turn into bathroom references. I tried so, so hard to be the serious adult here. I really did. But I had to sit down and laugh while facepalming for about five minutes straight. My scouts are a great source of entertainment.)

Me: *screams* “There’s a snail on my side of the tent! Get it off!”

Partner: “Why can’t you just be afraid of spiders like a normal person?”

Me: “Spiders are more common than snails, so you’d have to deal with the screaming girlfriend issue much more frequently.”

Partner: “Good point…”

(I work in a convenience store. It’s a slow evening and I’m wiping down the soda fountain counter when a man who appears to be in his early 20s walks in. I greet him and then go to stand behind the register. He looks around and then approaches the counter.)

Customer: *mutters*

Me: “What was that? I didn’t catch it. You’ll have to speak up.”

(The customer looks around again, and then leans over the counter and gestures for me to move closer to him. I shake my head because I’ve never seen this guy in my life and don’t know what his intentions are.)

Customer: *cups his hands around his mouth, whispers* “Do you guys sell condoms?”

Me: *normal tone of voice* “Yeah, we sell condoms.” *points* “They’re over there.”

Customer: “Shh! Don’t point to them!”

(He hurries over to the small display, then grabs a box of them and tosses them onto the counter. I ring him out and he quickly hides the box in his pocket, takes his change, and hurries out of the store, glancing around as he does. My coworker, who stopped sweeping the sidewalk to watch the customer, comes back inside.)

Coworker: “You okay? That guy seemed a bit weird.”

Me: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, I’m fine. He was just super embarrassed about asking for a box of condoms.”

Coworker: *snorts* “In my opinion, if you’re so embarrassed about buying something to use for sex, you shouldn’t be having sex.”

(I work with three-year-olds in a preschool. One of my kids walks up to me, pouting.)

Student: *as sadly and pathetically as he can muster* “Miss [My Name], I need medicine.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, bud! Why do you think you need medicine?”

Student: “I have the hiccups.”

Me: “Well, there’s not really medicine for hiccups. You have to hold your breath, or drink some water, or… get scared like this! Boo!”

(I grab him and tickle him a little, and he runs away, screaming and laughing. A little later…)

Student: “Miss [My Name]! Scare me again!”

Me: “I can only scare you if you have hiccups! Can you hiccup?”

(The student stared at me, tried to force a hiccup, and burped, instead.)

(I usually drive into work with a coworker of mine, and he lives around the corner from me, so he just walks to my house and I drive us both. Today he had an earlier start.)

Coworker: “I’m tired.”

Me: “Me, too. But I guess you started work earlier than me today.”

Coworker: “Yeah. And I stood outside your house like a creep.”

Me: *laughs* “What?”

Coworker: “I came in with [Other Coworker] and I didn’t want to have to explain where I live, and she knows where you live, so we just decided to meet at your house. So, I just stood at the end of your driveway at 6:45 in the morning.”

Me: “Ha! What would you have done if I was awake and I looked out the window to see how much snow there was, and just saw you hanging out in front of my house?”

Coworker: “Waved, I guess.”