Customer: “I’ll have the chicken with the Spanish areola.”

Me: *Not reacting* “Chicken with the Spanish allioli. Yes, ma’am. And to drink?”

Customer: “No, the areola.”

Me: “It’s allioli, ma’am. It’s a sauce made with olive oil, garlic, and egg yolk.”

Customer: “No, I want the areola. Spanish chicken areola!”

Me: “Ma’am, allioli is the sauce that you’re ordering. Areola is the name given to the skin on the outside of a nipple. You’re basically asking me to serve you chicken nipples. I can assure you that chickens don’t have nipples.”

Customer: “Well… maybe the Spanish ones do!” 

She ended up getting the salad.

Customer: “Hey! I need help!”

He puts down his laptop and shows me his “issue.” He types “boobs” into Google.

Customer: “I only get articles about breast cancer and some saggy drawings! Where is the good stuff?!”

Me: “Uh… I… Can you please turn the screen away? Thanks. It looks like you have safe-search on. If you turn it off, it will show you results that have been marked as… explicit.”

Customer: “Oooh! How do I turn it off?”

Without looking at the screen, I explain the process.

Customer: “Okay, I have done that. Now what?”

Me: “Refresh your screen.”

Customer: *Does so* “Boobies!” 

Related:
Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 11
Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 10
Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 9
Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 8
Making A Boob Of One Self, Part 7

It is the gold age of CDs, and I am working in a music store. A customer and her teenage daughter come in, and while the teenager browses, the mother approaches me.

Customer: “Do you have the new album by Nipslut?”

Me: “Uh…”

The teenage daughter comes running over, almost knocking stuff down to get over to us as quickly as possible.

Daughter: “Excuse my mother. She wants to buy an album for my older sister for her birthday. The latest release by Slipknot, please!”

Customer: “That’s what I said!”

I work for a premium tech support line. Lots of rich clients use us as we’re always available and we can usually fix any problem quickly using remote access to the computers.

Caller: “Someone is hacking the family computer!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. What makes you think that is what is happening?”

Caller: “It always happens at night! I power it down at night, so it’s not me or the family!”

Me: “Okay, let’s take a look at the computer!”

I start looking through the Internet history. From 9:00 am to 9:00 pm, it’s all “God is good, family, Baptist church, religion is the only way to save your soul” stuff.

From 11:30 pm to around 2:00 or 3:00 am, it’s all pretty hardcore adult material — gay, straight, and some very niche stuff. You name it, it’s there.

Me: “I think I can see the problem. Is it just you who has access to the computer at night?”

Caller: “My babies would never look at that stuff! How dare you suggest that they would?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I was just troubleshooting—”

And from there, she starts going all TMI.

Caller: “They’re on their p*rn medication, and they talk to the church leaders about that every week!”

She starts raving and raging for a good few minutes — she seems like she’s been needing to get this off of her chest — until I hear a male voice instead. He sounds like a teenager.

Other Caller: “Mom, go and sit down. You know how stressed you get.”

The voice suddenly addresses me.

Other Caller: “No, it’s not hackers. Yes, it was me. Yes, I have learned how to use private browsing now. She won’t be calling again. Thank you!” *Click*

Another ticket resolved!

I am making small talk with a regular at the grocery store. He’s always been a very friendly guy and easy to talk to.

Customer: “Do you like working here?”

Me: “It’s okay, I guess.”

Customer: *Handing me a card* “Give me a call if you want to change careers.”

I look at the card. He’s a manager at the local “Gentleman’s club”.

Me: “Not looking to be a stripper, thanks. No offense to those who are. Does this kind of recruitment usually work?”

Customer: “Oh, yeah! Young women working checkout are low-hanging fruit, especially when we tell them that any customer who steps out of line in our establishment gets permanently banned, not given coupons instead.”

I admit I laugh.

Me: “Ha! That does sound refreshing.” *Jokingly* “If my degree falls through at [Local University], then I’ll give you a call.”

Customer: “Oh, you’re studying at [Local University]? Maybe don’t call me, then. Half of the tenured professors are clients.”