Caller: “Is [Colleague] there?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid she’s left for the day. Is there anything I can help with?”

Caller: “Yes, I was wondering if she had a p-word?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Caller: “You know, a partner? A boyfriend?”

Me: “I’m sorry? Yes, I’m afraid she does. Is there anything else I can help with?”

Caller: “Yes, uh, do you have a boyfriend?”

Me: “Uh, yes, I do.”

Caller: “Oh, right, that’s a shame. You sound like a lovely girl. Is there anyone else in your shop without a boyfriend?”

Me: “Uh, no, I’m afraid everyone here is married.”

Caller: “Are they all faithful?”

Me: *speechless*

(I am ringing up a customer and he is ready to pay by credit card. I hold my hand out to swipe his card for him, but he refuses.)

Customer: “Oh, no, let me swipe it!”

Me: “Okay, right down there when you’re ready.”

Customer: “It’s a bit hard to handle.”

(I say nothing and finish the transaction.)

Customer: “You just have to know how to stroke it the right way, you know?”

Me: “Uh, yeah. Sure!”

Customer: “It’s funny, because it sounds sexual.”

Woman: “Can you tell me the price of these pants? I found them on the 25% off rack.”

Me: “Sure thing. They’re $22.50.”

Woman: “But that’s not 25% off.”

Me: “They probably got put on the wrong rack, but they were actually $45.00, so you’re actually getting 50% off.”

Woman: “But the sign said 25% off.”

Me: “I understand, but like I said, they were on the wrong rack and are actually more than 25% off.”

Woman: “I want them for the price that the sign advertised! Can I just talk to a manager? You sales people are so stupid sometimes. It’s not a hard concept.”

Me: “Oh, believe me, I know it’s not a hard concept. Let me call a manager for you.”

(I call a manager and she comes over. I explain to her what is going on.)

Manager: “If you get these pants as the price they are ringing up at, they are $22.50. If you get them at 25% off, they are $33.75.”

Woman: “That’s what I want! Why is math such a hard concept for the workers here to grasp? Just change the price and give them to me for $33.75 or whatever.”

(I changed the price so they were more expensive. The customer walks away, still mumbling something about how we suck at math.)

(Since we are a large store, we communicate with each other on radios. I am helping a customer when my manager starts speaking into the radio.)

Manager: “I need an additional cashier to the registers.”

Customer: *pauses in mid-sentence* “Wait…is she talking to me?”

(I have just clocked out. I am in the employee break room gathering my things to leave, when a customer comes barging in.)

Customer: “Excuse me! There is a line of fifty people out here! We need you to open your register!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m clocked out and don’t have a drawer in. I’m sorry, but she’s doing the best she can right now.”

Customer: “Well that’s just ridiculous! I need to get checked out!”

(The customer leaves the employee break room to go back in line and rant to her companion.)

Customer: “Can you believe it? She’s clocked out! This is ridiculous!”

(Upon seeing that there is in fact a longer line, I grab a drawer and open a register while still clocked out. After I check out five or so people, the woman comes back over, bags in hand.)

Customer: “Well, THANK YOU.”

(Another customer, who had been standing behind her the whole time, approaches me with a smile.)

Another Customer: “I’m currently disabled and don’t have my crutches, so standing is excruciating, but I’m going to take my time. I’m blocking that b**** in, and I want to make her wait!”