(A customer wanders down the paint aisle where I’m working and asks for advice on which paint to use. I tell him, and he asks for the differences between brands)

Me: “[Brand #1] is just a bit thicker than [Brand #2]. But other than that, they’re pretty much the same.”

Customer: “What do you mean, ‘thicker’?”

Me: “The paint has a thicker consistency.”

Customer: “I don’t understand.”

Me: “Do you know what cake batter looks like? And water?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Cake batter is thicker than water, like [Brand #1] is thicker than [Brand #2].”

Customer: “[Brand #1] is cake batter?”

(It went on like this for a while. I end up leaving him there to contemplate)

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8:55 pm: I’m guarding the door at work, waiting for the last couple of customers to finish up and get the heck out. They are going kinda slow, but I can’t kick them out because they were in the store before we close.

9:05 pm: They finally got what movies they wanted and are just about to pay when another guy tries to come in.

Late Customer: “Hold on, please! I just need to get one thing!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, it’s past 9 pm. These are the last customers for the night.”

Late Customer: “But all I want to get is a PS2. Why can’t you get it for me?”

Me: “Because you came in after 9, we want to close up.”

Late Customer: “But they are getting stuff.”

Me: “They were in here before 9.”

Late Customer: “So you aren’t gonna help me? I wanna speak to your manager! Are you the manager?”

(This is the fun part, one of the women buying stuff chimes in:)

Woman Customer: “Yeah, I’m the manager and we need to get the heck out of here to go home! You should have gotten here earlier!”

Late Customer: *Flabbergasted* “Wha? Well… YOU LOST A SALE!” *storms out*

Manager: *the real one* “…Wow. Thank you very much!”

Me: “Ditto! Thanks a lot and have a wonderful night!”

This story is part of the Closing Time roundup!

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(We close at 7:00 pm every Sunday. A couple is still shopping in my department at 7:13 pm and we already had a call from security to tell them to get out)

Me: “Ma’am, just to let you know we’re already closed. If you need to buy something please bring it to the counter now.”

Customer: “Closed? What time do you guys close? It’s only 7:13!”

Me: “We closed at 7:00.”

Customer: “Honey, hurry up. They’re about to close. Who’s ever heard of a store that closes at 7:13 pm. That’s just so weird!”

Me: “Ma’am, we closed 13 minutes ago; we’ve been closing at 7:00 for at least the past six years I’ve been here, and there’s nothing weird about that.”

Customer: “Well, I just thought that it would make more sense if you guys closed on an hour. Or at least least have an announcement if you guys are closing at some queer hour.”

Me: “Ma’am, there were four announcements, loud and clear, before we closed.”

Customer: “But why would you close a store at 7:13? That’s just queer. Are you sure the store is even closed?”

Me: “Again, ma’am, we closed 13 minutes ago at 7:00, and yes I’m sure the store is closed. Why would I be lying?”

Customer: “I don’t know. *her boyfriend comes out of the fitting room* “Honey, c’mon, let’s buy this stuff and get out of here. Can you believe they close the store at 7:20? Isn’t that just so weird?”

Me: “SEVEN! We CLOSED at SEVEN o’clock!”

Me: “And how would you like to pay for that today?”

Customer: “Debit.”

Me: “Okay, the stripe faces me.”

(She swipes card with the stripe facing her; tries again)

Customer: “Sh*t. Sh*t!!”

(The register times out)

Me: “Hold on; okay, try again. Stripe goes toward me.”

(She finally swipes the card successfully)

Customer: “Where’s the ‘OK’ button?” *pushes the green sticker below the ‘OK’ button*

Me: “It’s the green button.”

(She figures out how to press the button, but then incorrectly types her pin number)

Customer: “Oh God! Oh God, oh my God! SH*T!”

Customer: “How long will this pen last?”

Me: “Depends how often you use it.”

Customer: “How often is that?”

(I really didn’t know what to say.)