(I’m on a local train and I overhear this conversation between an irate passenger and the conductor.)

Passenger: “The bathroom is filthy. It’s disgusting.”

Conductor: “I apologise for the inconvenience.”

Passenger: “I don’t want an apology; I want you to clean it.”

Conductor: “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do. I have no access to cleaning supplies.”

Passenger: “This is outrageous. I will press charges against you personally for causing a health hazard.”

(The conductor takes out a pen and a notepad and starts writing something down.)

Passenger: “Hey, what are you writing?”

Conductor: “My name, so you know whom to press charges against.”

(With that, the passenger realised the ridiculousness of his threat and wandered off without another word.)

I take a ferry to get to work most days and the ferry dock has a lot of interesting people hanging around. I utilize the time on the ferry and the walk up to work listening to audiobooks on my earbuds or planning my meetings.

One day, I am suddenly tapped on the shoulder by a tall man who does the most interesting Inspector Clouseau impression saying, “You slowed down suddenly and my face hit your bag.” 

This is almost physically impossible but I just say, “Okay, look where you are going.”

Next thing I know, he is in my face saying, “I did not hear you. Are you going to say sorry or say something smart?”

I just say, “I am not going to say anything to you,” and start walking away along the walkway along the river.

I go maybe ten steps before instincts from years as a front line public safety officer get me to step sideways; I move just in time for the idiot from before to barrel past me for what must have been a charge meant for me. He runs unchecked into a support column for the shade structure and splashes into ankle-deep stinking muck from the preceding day’s stormwater discharge.

I would have the guy arrested but he just had karma served right in front of my eyes. Also, his female companion has spotted my badge and is hauling the stinking idiot towards the tap, muttering, “Of all the people, you pick on one with a badge.”

For the record, I am not a street cop.

(I work as a bus driver and I’m at the end of my run when I notice a young man asleep at the back of the bus. I wake him up…)

Me: “Excuse me, but we’re at the last stop; you have to get off.”

Customer: “Oh, f***, you were supposed to drop me off at [Street]!”

Me: “Sorry, but you didn’t ask me to let you off there when you got on.”

Customer: “WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE!”

(I check my pockets and come up empty-handed.)

Me: “I seem to have left my ability to read minds in my other pants.”

(It wasn’t the answer he wanted and he couldn’t stay on as I was on my last run. He did ring and complain about it, but I had already told my dispatch about it.)

(I’m going to a train station with my mother to sort out an issue of me losing 50 dollars in one of their machines. Unfortunately, we’ve come in on a day they’re closed, so my mother decides to talk to a man at a nearby information desk.)

Company Representative: “Hi, can I help you?”

Mom: *before I can say anything* “I sure hope so! My daughter lost fifty dollars in one of your machines!”

Company Representative: “Unfortunately, I am not affiliated with [Transit Company]. All I really know is [gives some basic information on which lines go where]. If you want their number to call, it’s—”

(I am going to say that I have their number but would rather know the times the station is open, but once again, Mom butts in.)

Mom: “She’s been calling you people all week! This is an outrage.”

Company Representative: “Well, you might not have the right number; you can find it on their website.” *starts pulling it up for us*

Mom: “Yeah, you’d better tell us the f****** number, Mr. Expert!”

Me: *mortified* “MOM!”

Company Representative: “Ma’am, please calm down or I’ll call security.”

Me: *tries to apologize, but Mom cuts in again*

Mom: “FINE! Call security! Go ahead!”

(I went to wait in the car out of embarrassment. Later on, she blamed me for the situation and called me “A Stepford Wife” for not standing up to the man like she was. If you’re reading this, rep guy, I do apologize for that. She overreacted big time.)

(As I wait for a bus home, I notice a man going up to other people waiting and quickly moving on to the next person. I have only been at the bus stop for a few seconds when he approaches me.)

Man: “Have you got any change? I haven’t eaten in days.”

Me: “No, sorry. I haven’t got any change.”

Man: “So you don’t care. What a horrible person you are.”

(The man starts pacing back and forth, shooting me dirty looks each time he passes me and shouting abuse.)

Man: “Scumbag! Tramp! Evil! Scumbag, scumbag, scumbag!”

(Two minutes pass and, thankfully, my bus pulls up. As I hurriedly get on, the man gets right in my face for one last comment.)

Man: “I hope your bus crashes.”