(I am chatting to my friend about a guy I have gone on a couple of dates with. I’ve recently had an experience with a stalker and a less alarming but otherwise terrible date which he knows about.)

Friend: “So, plans for the weekend?”

Me: “Well, hanging around on Saturday. And Sunday … uh, well, [Date] asked if I’d visit him out in [Town].”

Friend: “The one you’re not sure about? You gonna go?”

Me: “Well, I want to give him a chance. Only, I was re-reading the message and he’s talking about these video games he could show me… and they’re all in his house.”

Friend: “Sounds like the guy who invited you over for a film and just wanted sex?”

Me: “Yeah. I’m just reading it, thinking, ‘and how much time are you intending on playing games for?'”

Friend: “It could be innocent.” *pauses* “Probably not, though. That’s a kinda weird location for a third date.”

Me: “Yeah. I might say the weather’s so lovely that I want to stay outside. That should work.”

Friend: “Good idea. ”

(He starts to laugh.)

Me: “What?”

Friend: “I’m sorry. It’s just, your love life consists entirely of guys trying to trick you into compromising positions and you thinking desperately of how to get out of them. It’s like some kind of Jacobean drama!”

(I am at my best friend’s engagement party. I bring a case of Smithwick’s along since I know he and his fiancé usually stock mostly lite beer which I abhor with a somewhat irrational level of hatred. I make it known the beer is fair game and socialize a bit, end up chatting among a girl and a guy.)

Me: *noticing the girl has no drink* “Did you want a beer? I brought along a case of Smid’ick’s”

Girl: “No, thanks. I don’t like beer.”

Me: “You don’t like beer!? What kind of beer have you been drinking that you say you don’t like beer?”

Guy: “Dude, she doesn’t have to have a beer if she doesn’t want to.”

Me: “I’m aware of that, and some people just don’t like beer. But usually when someone says that I find they’ve only ever drank piss-water in the past, so now I’m curious. What kind of beer are you thinking of when you say you ‘don’t like beer’?”

Girl: “I’ve only really drank beer in college, and then it was usually normal stuff like [lite brands], stuff like that.”

Me: “Well see, there’s your problem. Lite beer is not beer. It’s just bad tasting water. You’ve never had a beer before. Why don’t you try a sip of this and see if you like it.”

Guy: “Man, chill out. She says she doesn’t like beer. She doesn’t have to have beer!”

Me: “You chill out. She’s only had lite beer in the past.”

Guy: “Lite beer is still beer.”

Me: “No. No, it’s not. You’re just spewing gibberish right now. [Girl], this is a fairly good basic lager. It’s not too strong. Would you like to try a sip to see if you like it better than the s*** you had in the past?”

Guy: “She doesn’t have to like beer!”

Me: “I’m not forcing her. I’m asking her. I think beer is a good thing, and if I can spread some joy to someone who doesn’t know it can be good, I’ve done my duty. [Girl], would you like to try?”

Girl: *shrugs* “Eh, why not.”

(She tries a sip while the guy basically scoffs at me.)

Girl: “Hmm, it’s not that bad.”

Me: “There, see? Real beer is pretty good.”

(About a minute passes. Conversation continues normally.)

Girl: “Actually, [My Name], could I get one of your beers?”

Me: *giving [Guy] a smug look* “Absolutely you can!”

(My friend has arranged a disco birthday party for her six-year-old daughter at a local club. She invited ten of her daughter’s best friends, including my daughter. One of the mothers walks up.)

Parent: “We are here for [Daughter]’s party.”

Friend: “Great to see you!” *to the child* “If you’ll take a seat over there with [Daughter] while we wait for everyone else?”

Parent: *to all four of her children* “Go and sit with [Daughter].”

Friend: “But we only invited [Child].”

Parent: “No. It’s not fair that you only invited [Child]. I expect you to take all of my children.”

(The parent walks off and leaves the venue before we could react. My friend has to pay an added $45 for the extra children. One is a toddler, and they are very undisciplined. I stay and help supervise. At the end of the party we have to wait for the parent to finally turn up.)

Parent: *shoves something into my friend’s hand* “Here, buy a gift for your daughter.” *takes kids and leaves*

(My friend, standing stunned, opens her hand to reveal $2.)

Me: “I’m guessing that woman will be wondering why her children will never get invited to anything more than once.”

This story is part of our Birthday Party Roundup!

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(I am DJing an office Christmas party. A guy who had made tons of requests, most of which I’d played, approaches my workstation.)

Guy: “Where’s my request?”

Me: “I’ve been playing your requests where they fit.”

Guy: “Well, play [Specific Song] next.”

Me: “I’ll get it in soon, but I don’t think it’ll be next. I’ve got a lot of requests coming in, so I have to play them where they fit.”

Guy: “Don’t worry about anyone else’s requests. I’m the boss. Just play my requests.”

Me: “Oh, good. You’re the boss? Then where’s my cheque?”

Guy: “What?”

Me: “Well, since nobody’s bothered to come over and introduce themselves to me yet, I didn’t know who to come find to collect payment.”

Guy: “So, just play my request whenever you can…”

This story is part of our Christmas 2023 roundup!

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(I am the oldest of four kids and at my youngest sister’s friend’s birthday party. As most of the small children guests and their parents have gone home, I finally go in the bouncy house. Please note that I have been waiting most of my life to do this, and no children were harmed.)

Me: *sitting patiently on top of bouncy house slide*

Sister: *climbing ladder* “[My Name], move!”

Me: *puts hands on my sister’s shoulders* “Long live the king!”

(I then proceed to push her off the ladder, cackling wildly.)