Doesn’t Take It Lite-ly

(I am at my best friend’s engagement party. I bring a case of Smithwick’s along since I know he and his fiancé usually stock mostly lite beer which I abhor with a somewhat irrational level of hatred. I make it known the beer is fair game and socialize a bit, end up chatting among a girl and a guy.)

Me: *noticing the girl has no drink* “Did you want a beer? I brought along a case of Smid’ick’s”

Girl: “No, thanks. I don’t like beer.”

Me: “You don’t like beer!? What kind of beer have you been drinking that you say you don’t like beer?”

Guy: “Dude, she doesn’t have to have a beer if she doesn’t want to.”

Me: “I’m aware of that, and some people just don’t like beer. But usually when someone says that I find they’ve only ever drank piss-water in the past, so now I’m curious. What kind of beer are you thinking of when you say you ‘don’t like beer’?”

Girl: “I’ve only really drank beer in college, and then it was usually normal stuff like [lite brands], stuff like that.”

Me: “Well see, there’s your problem. Lite beer is not beer. It’s just bad tasting water. You’ve never had a beer before. Why don’t you try a sip of this and see if you like it.”

Guy: “Man, chill out. She says she doesn’t like beer. She doesn’t have to have beer!”

Me: “You chill out. She’s only had lite beer in the past.”

Guy: “Lite beer is still beer.”

Me: “No. No, it’s not. You’re just spewing gibberish right now. [Girl], this is a fairly good basic lager. It’s not too strong. Would you like to try a sip to see if you like it better than the s*** you had in the past?”

Guy: “She doesn’t have to like beer!”

Me: “I’m not forcing her. I’m asking her. I think beer is a good thing, and if I can spread some joy to someone who doesn’t know it can be good, I’ve done my duty. [Girl], would you like to try?”

Girl: *shrugs* “Eh, why not.”

(She tries a sip while the guy basically scoffs at me.)

Girl: “Hmm, it’s not that bad.”

Me: “There, see? Real beer is pretty good.”

(About a minute passes. Conversation continues normally.)

Girl: “Actually, [My Name], could I get one of your beers?”

Me: *giving [Guy] a smug look* “Absolutely you can!”