(Since I don’t drive, my friend usually gives me a ride home after events. We’re at a friend’s birthday party playing ‘Apples To Apples.’ The round’s ‘judge’ draws an adjective card, everyone else tosses in a noun card, and the judge decides which noun best suits the adjective. It’s my turn to judge, and I get the card ‘Scary/Creepy.’ Everyone tosses in their cards, and I start going through the noun pile.)

Me: “‘Cheap hotels?’ Hotels aren’t scary!”

(Everyone looks at me like I’m nuts, and they stumble over themselves to explain why cheap hotels absolutely qualify as ‘scary.’ I must still look incredulous, because finally my friend blurts out.)

Friend: “That’s it! When tonight is over, I’m taking you to a cheap hotel!”

(I am at my friend’s Halloween party. I plan on staying the night because I don’t feel safe driving so late. My friend’s roommate is staggering drunk by the end of the night. I curl up on the couch in the basement outside of my friend’s room after most of the guests have left. Her roommate’s friend comes half-way down the stairs and leans over the railing.)

Roommate’s Friend: “Psst, [Roommate’s Name] wants to know if you wanted to come upstairs with us.”

(I have a boyfriend, but before I can answer, my friend does.)

Friend: “No, she doesn’t!”

(Five minutes later, the roommate comes stumbling down the stairs.)

Friend: “What do you want?”

Roommate: “I am just getting my stereo.”

(He comes by me and pokes me.)

Roommate: “Hey, you wanna come upstairs with me?”

Me: “Nope, I’m good.”

(He goes back upstairs without getting his stereo.)

Me: “You know he asked me right?”

Friend: “Figured… he’s probably too drunk to do anything anyways.”

(I am at the birthday of my daughter’s friend. As it is a party for younger children, they have a clown, who is admittedly kind of lame. The clown walks up to my daughter and tries the old ‘got your nose’ trick.)

Clown: “I got your nose!”

(The clown is standing there wiggling his thumb between his knuckles.)

Daughter: *dead-eye stare* “That s*** ain’t funny.”

(I have never been so instantly embarrassed and proud at the same time!)

(I am dating a girl who has turned out to be borderline psychotic. I know it and want out, but her dad has gotten me my job, and I know if I dump her, I’d be fired. She has started calling me in the early hours of the morning, accusing me of being out.)

Me: *answering phone at 2 am* “Hello?”

Girlfriend: “Where are you?”

Me: “At home, asleep.”

Girlfriend: “Don’t lie to me. Jack and Jill said they saw you at a club.”

(This goes on a little while. Two days later, we’re at a party that Jack and Jill are at.)

Me: “Hey, [Girlfriend] said you guys saw me at a club a couple of nights ago. It wasn’t me, but you should say hi next time.”

Jack: “What are you talking about? We weren’t out that night.”

Jill: “Yeah, we weren’t even in the city.”

Girlfriend: “Uh, Jill, can I talk to you?”

(They go off for a minute, and I tell Jack what’s going on. The girls return.)

Jill: “Remember, Jack? We were out that night. We saw him over by that club.”

Jack: “We weren’t out that night. Are you crazy? We never saw him.”

Jill: “Yeah, we did.”

Jack: “No, we didn’t. I still have this receipt from that night showing we weren’t even close to the city.”

(Later, I get flak in front of her other friends for making her look bad. I just play the dutiful boyfriend and say I am trying to be friendly to her friends.)

(My family is scattered around the house at a dinner party, which we will have to leave soon. My brother is sitting in the living room, and my parents are outside. You can enter and exit the living room both from a patio door, and a route around the side of the house.)

Mom: “Go tell your brother we need to leave.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I walk over to the patio door, and call to my brother.)

Me: “We have to go!”

Brother: “I’ll believe you when our parents say so.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I tell my mother what he said, and she sends my dad around the side of the house to get him. I return to my brother.)

Me: “Dad will be coming into the room in 20 seconds.”

Brother: “Yeah, right.”

(I see my dad stop at the dessert table first.)

Me: “And he will be bringing…” *closes eyes and hums* “…brownies. Definitely bringing brownies.”

Brother: “Pssht.”

(Dad walks into the living room, holding a brownie.)

Brother: “WHAT?!”

Me: “I know…” *widens eyes* “…EVERYTHING.”