Pray They Were Talking About Filing

, , , , , | Related | September 8, 2017

(I am sitting in the waiting room of my local GP, where a mother and her son have arrived for their appointment.)

Receptionist: “Miss [Name], I think [Son] needs the toilet.”

Mother: “No, he does that when he’s getting ready. That’s his potty dance.”

Receptionist: “Sorry, but I think he’s trying to tell you he really needs to go.”

Mother: “I’m his mother. I know my son better than anyone. He’ll be ready in a couple of minutes. I’ll take him after his dance.”

(The receptionist protested again, and the mother threatened to complain about her. The boy stopped dancing around a few minutes later, and it looked like he was in a lot of pain. Just as his mother was about to take him to the toilet, the doctor called them in and she decided to force her son to wait again. He could barely move and we were all a bit worried. I was called in to see my doctor next. By the time I left, there were police officers in the building, and I could hear hysterical screaming coming from one of the rooms. As I walked by, I heard one of the receptionists saying, “Imagine using a paperclip to keep it shut.”)

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Hammering Home The Dad Jokes

, , , , | Related | September 8, 2017

(My dad is the mechanics teacher at the high school in our city. I am in his grade-10 class. He always says that his main role as a father is to embarrass his two daughters. My dad is helping another student with their small engine, while I am standing by, waiting for my dad to come and help me.)

Dad: “Here’s your hammer. Why did you need it?”

(The student starts to explain their reasons for needing the hammer but…)

Dad: *cuts them off by yelling* “BECAUSE IT’S HAMMER TIME!” *promptly starts singing and humming an MC Hammer song while dancing along*

(Keep in mind that I am standing right there, although now I am blushing, rolling my eyes, and doing my best to not look embarrassed.)

Dad: *looks over at me while talking to the student* “I feel my role as a father is to embarrass my children.”

Student: “Well, it’s definitely working.”

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The Science Of Damnation

, , , | Related | September 8, 2017

(I’ve just dropped and shattered a glass.)

Me: “God d*** it.”

Father: “Now, now. We’re atheists.”

Me: “Bill Nye d*** it?”

Father: “That’s better.”

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You’ll Be GLaDOS You Caught That

, , , , | Related | September 7, 2017

(My dad and I are shopping for some cake mix. Keep in mind that he has never heard of Portal before.)

Me: “Hey Dad, did you get a mix selected yet?”

Dad: *pauses* “Wait a sec….”

Me: “What?”

Dad: “This… this mix… This cake is a pie!”

Me: “…”

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Your Inner Thoughts Should Stay That Way

, , , , | Related | September 6, 2017

(I find my dad looking for a specific pan.)

Me: “You know, I’d really like to do a [Genealogy Website] search. It would be interesting.”

Dad: “Eight by four by two!”

(He immediately realizes what he’s said, and very slowly turns to face me. We stare at each other for a moment, then dissolve into giggles.)

Me: “You just blurted out exactly what you were thinking, didn’t you?”

Dad: “Yup.”

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