Still In A Vegetative State

, , , , | Related | August 23, 2013

(My brother and I are both in the kitchen before school. I’m 19 and he’s 14. I am up very late, as usual, and am a bit out of it.)

Me: “[Brother], pass me the porn cops.”

Brother: “…I guess I know why you were up so late.”

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Half-Baked Jokes Can Lead To Dough-leful Regrets

, , | Learning | May 17, 2013

(I am in baking class and my group is making hamburger buns. A classmate plops some bread dough in his mouth.)

Me: “You did not just do that!”

Classmate: *smirking* “Yeah, I did.”

Me: “You do know you’re not supposed to eat bread dough, right?!”

Classmate: “Why? The teacher didn’t see.”

Me: “You do know what bread dough does when we leave it in a bowl with a towel over it, right?”

Classmate: “Yeah, it expands.”

Me: “What do you think it does in your stomach?”

Classmate: “That doesn’t even make sense!”

Me: “Your stomach is full of gasses that create a certain temperature that allows the bread dough to leaven. Then, it expands and eventually your stomach can’t handle it and it explodes!”

Classmate: *nervously* “Yeah right; nice try.”

(Some of the other classmates notice what’s going on and tell him that his stomach will explode. At this point he becomes horrified, and decides to ask the teacher if it’s true.)

Teacher: *pretending to be horrified* “You what?! How much did you eat?!”

Classmate: “Only a small ball; about the size of one of the ice cream scoops.”

Teacher: “Oh no! What have you done?!”

(At this point, my classmate is absolutely horrified and starts freaking out and asking if he needs to go to the hospital. We finally can’t take anymore and the group starts to laugh including the teacher. The classmate was very embarrassed and never ate bread dough again!)

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For Some, Reading Can Be A Stretch

, , | Learning | April 24, 2013

(One day in class, we are learning about blood cells. The teacher is talking about platelets when one of the other students raises her hand to ask a question.)

Student: “Why do I keep seeing these videos everywhere for platelets?”

Teacher: “What do you mean?”

Student: “I keep seeing videos everywhere for platelets.”

Teacher: “I don’t know.”

My Friend: *whispers to me* “She means Pilates.”

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The Four Pillars Of Bad Behavior

, , , , | Right | April 18, 2013

(I work in a poutine place downtown; we stay open until 4 am on weekends due to the nightlife. We never usually have an issue with drunk people.)

Coworker: “I’m sorry; we do not accept credit. Do you have another method of payment?”

Customer: “I will have you know I am the f****** niece of the owner, and he will have you all fired!”

Coworker: “Unfortunately, that does not address the issue at hand.”

Customer: “You f****** f**!”

(She continues to throw insults at my coworker, telling him to go back to Africa, despite him being Caucasian. He maintains his composure.)

Customer: “F*** you, just let me pay for my f****** food!”

(I am right around the corner, and am an African-American female. I decide to intervene.)

Me: “[Coworker] seems to have a lot more patience for your crap than I do. Our machines do not recognize credit cards, and that fact is completely irrelevant to his orientation. Moreover, the owner’s only brother isn’t even 30, and therefore cannot biologically have a daughter in her 20s. And that stuff about going back to Africa? You can take that up with me. Have a nice night!”

(The customer falls silent. The crowd parts as she exits the store.)

Coworker: “Wow, remind me not to p*** you off!”

Me: “Don’t worry; you won’t be seeing that again. It’s one thing to be so disrespectful, another to be a compulsive liar, another to be homophobic, and another to be racist. She needed a talking to!”

(All the customers who witness the incident tip us really well for dealing with her!)

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Working Hard: $100; Holiday Spirit: Priceless

, , , , | Right | December 3, 2012

(I am working in the jewelry department of a big retailer. It is December 23, and my coworker has called in sick, so I am working an 8-hour shift by myself. About 5 hours in, I am ridiculously busy and have yet to take a break. Customers are lined up and getting irate.)

Customer #1: “Oh, this is lovely. Do you think my son will like it? He’s about your age.”

Me: “I definitely like it. And since it’s the holiday season, I can print out a gift receipt. He has until January 15 to exchange it if he doesn’t like it.”

Customer #1: “Lovely. I’ll take this, please.”

(I ring her up as quickly as I can. I’m starving, thirsty, and really have to use the bathroom. Unfortunately the line is not letting up and customers are starting to yell at me. I call upstairs and request some help from anyone. 10 or 15 minutes go by and no one shows up. By this point I’m desperate.)

Customer #2: “About time! Hurry up and get me that pair of earrings for my wife!”

Me: “No problem, sir. I’m so sorry for the wait, my coworker called in sick and it’s just me today. Now just so you know the earrings are non refundable for hygienic reasons.”

Customer #2: “Fine, fine, just hurry up.”

Customer #3: “Hey! Hurry up!”

Me: “I’ll be right there, sir. Just a moment!”

(I call up again for some help and again no one comes. I’m in serious pain by this point and feel very light headed. I help a few more customers when this little old lady asks for help.)

Little Old Lady: “Hello, dear. It’s quite busy in here today, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yes, it is! But, then again, that’s the holidays for you!”

(I help this customer, who is quite pleasant and doesn’t seem to mind when customers yell across the counter at me. She even lets me go cash out the simple ones while continuing to help her. This alleviates the line quite a bit. I finish helping this customer and just as she’s about to leave a man comes to my counter visibly upset and slams his fist down on the glass counter angrily.)

Customer #4: “YOU! HELP ME NOW!”

(I am shaken by him slamming his hand on the desk.)

Little Old Lady: “Hey! Leave her alone. She’s all by herself and trying her best! Have some holiday spirit!”

Customer #4: “Well, I’ve been waiting a while and she’s not trying hard enough! She’s wasting time talking to people instead of helping them!”

Me: *tearing up* “I’m really sorry, sir. I’m trying my best but I’m all alone today and I’ve yet to have a break. I keep calling for help but no one comes. I’ll be happy to help you now, though.”

Little Old Lady: “I’ll be right back, dear.”

Me: *confused* “Okay, ma’am.”

(I help the angry customer, and he leaves a little less angry than when he got in. I’ve moved on to other customers and have forgotten about the sweet old lady. Suddenly, she comes back with the store manager!)

Little Old Lady: *to the store manager* “There! Look at her! Look how hard she’s working all by herself! She’s called for help but no one shows up! Now, I think you should take over while this young lady gets a break for all her hard work!”

Manager: “Yes, ma’am, of course. I had no idea this was happening.” *to me* “Go take an hour to have your lunch. By the time you come back, I’ll have two other people with you.”

Me: *starts to cry out of relief* “I can’t. I’m the only one who knows where everything is. And you have other things to do.”

Little Old Lady: “Sweetheart, don’t worry. Go take your break!”

Manager: “Go, I’ll be fine. We can manage an hour without you.”

Me: “Okay.”

Little Old Lady: *gives me a big hug as I’m leaving* “You have a good rest of your shift!”

Me: “Thank you!”

(I have my hour and come back feeling much better. The store manager is still there with two other workers, one from electronics and another from the general cash.)

Manager: “Ah, you’re back! How was your break?”

Me: “Great!”

Manager: “Come to my office at the end of your shift.”

Me: “Okay.”

(At the end of my shift, I go up to his office and he tells me what I great job I did today. He says he was sorry that I had to go through what I did but he rewards me with a 100$ store gift card. The little old lady came back a few weeks later to give me a thank you card for the great job I did that day. Goes to show that not all holiday shoppers are mean during the holiday season!)

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