(We have universal health care in Canada, and the card in Ontario is called an OHIP card, although OHIP does not cover everything. I am booking in a copy order when the customer notices my silicone bracelet which has, “[Friend] beats cancer,” on it.)

Customer: “That’s not a cure for cancer.”

Me: “Um, no, that’s my friend’s nickname. She’s just selling these bracelets to help support her cancer, since she has to take time off work and stuff. It’s her second time with it.”

Customer: “She must not have applied for sick leave, then!”

Me: “Um, of course she did. You don’t get your full pay on sick leave.”

Customer: “Nope, only 50%.”

Me: “Right. Hence the bracelets.”

(I try to go back to booking in her order.)

Customer: “There are lots of things she can apply for, you know. Tell her to look stuff up and do her research! She’s not trying hard enough!”

Me: “Well, I’m not one to tell her what to do about her cancer, but I will support her this way, since that’s what she’s doing. Plus, she might have to get pills this time and pay for those.”

Customer: “No, that should be free.”

Me: “Um, no, she was under the impression these drugs weren’t covered by OHIP. I think it’s just because it’s not as serious as it was the first time she had it, so she is just supposed to be getting them from the pharmacy.”

Customer: “Oh, no, I never said it would be covered by OHIP. Drugs are rarely covered by OHIP unless it’s going to save your life—” *which I beg to differ* “—but her work benefits should cover them!”

Me: “Not all of it.”

Customer: “Well, it should cover most of it!”

Me: *irritated by this point* “It depends on the jobs people have and what kind of coverage it provides.”

Customer: “Well, I know all about it! Tell her to do some research!”

(Ugh, I wanted to smack her! I didn’t, of course!)

(I am in sixth grade. I love to write stories, but I know that my teacher is very particular as to the criteria she gives for assignments. Therefore, by the end of the year, I always ask the teacher to clarify the assignment several times before starting.)

Teacher: “Your assignment is to write a mystery story. In the story, someone has to disappear, but in the end they are found. It needs to be four pages long.”

Me: “Are there any other criteria for the story? Any limitations on what we can or cannot write?”

Teacher: “No, you can write anything you want to write about.”

Me: “Anything?”

Teacher: *annoyed* “Yes, you can write any kind of mystery story you want.”

Me: “Really? Anything? No limits?”

Teacher: *really annoyed* “Anything! Only the original requirements of four pages, and that someone must disappear and be found. Your rough draft is due in two weeks.”

(Several days later, after some kids have finished their draft:)

Several Students: “[Teacher]! Four pages is way too long!”

Teacher: “Okay, everyone should make their story two pages long.”

(A few days later:)

Me: “[Teacher], I wrote four pages like you originally assigned. We did the peer review with my classmates, and I can’t figure out how to cut out half of my story. Can you help me?”

Teacher: *takes paper, looks at it for 30 seconds* “It’s too long; make it shorter.”

(Due date of the assignment:)

Teacher: “Okay, class, now that everyone has finished their mystery story draft, tell me what kind of mystery stories are there?”

Student #2: “Murder mysteries!”

Teacher: “No! No one is allowed to do a murder mystery! No murder, no violence! No one should have included any of these in their stories! I expect you to finalize your drafts and turn them in in two days.”

(Half the class completely rewrote their stories, since they assumed “anything” meant that a murder mystery was okay.)

I run a small concrete-cutting business and I was looking for a new chief supervisor to look after the shop when I wasn’t there. I found a guy who looked good on paper, and after a fairly short interview process I hired him.

When I hired him, I told him that his employment was conditional on signing an employment agreement which my lawyer was in the process of preparing. Since he would have access to trade secrets and my client list, I especially needed to have him sign a non-competition agreement as part of the larger employment agreement.

A few weeks went by and he seemed to be performing adequately. So, I gave him the agreement to sign and he took it home to have a look at. That night I got a call from him saying he had issues with the agreement and he couldn’t sign it as-is.

The next day, he handed me the agreement with his notes, and I took it into my office to review. He had crossed out the “Duties and Responsibilities” section and the “Non-Competition” section. Not only that, but he had put in a much higher salary than we agreed, added a bunch of benefits on top of what he was already getting, and taken out the end date of the contract, making it indefinite.

After staring at the paper for a while, trying to get my temper back under control, I went out and found him and very calmly explained that if he wasn’t willing to sign the contract then I would take it as his resignation. I sent him home. I sent him a cheque for the five weeks he had worked and went back to looking for a new hire.

Here’s the kicker: He then decided to sue me for the “six weeks vacation pay” he believed he was entitled to. The judge laughed him out of the courtroom.

(I work at a civil division court office.)

Plaintiff: *explains backstory as to what brought him there* “I want to sue for an apology.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you cannot sue for an apology. You can only sue for a monetary value.”

Plaintiff: “But I don’t want any money. I only want an apology!”

Me: “Again, sir, you cannot sue for an apology. You have to determine a dollar amount and sue for that.”

(We go back and forth I don’t know how many times, until finally:)

Plaintiff: “FINE! I will sue him for ONE DOLLAR.”

Me: “Okay, good. Now, if I can just get you–”

Plaintiff: “AND AN APOLOGY!”

Me: *headdesk*

(He did actually pay $25 to file a claim for $1. He and the defendant ended up settling out of court, but I was not privy to those proceedings so I’ve always wondered if the plaintiff did, in fact, get his apology.)

(Most of you will be too young to remember the days when someone could go to jail if they had a birth certificate that said, “Male,” and they were caught wearing female clothing. Consequently, Hallowe’en is a HUGE party day for the gay community, which, of course, is very underground at this time. But many people want a special dress for the ball that is held annually, and if you can’t afford a dressmaker, what are you to do? I have some gay friends, so I am familiar with the lifestyle and trials of the times. I also work in the young women’s department. This happens on the weekend before Hallowe’en.)

Me: “Hello, sir, can I help you with something?”

Male Customer: “My sister is going to a semi-formal event, and I wanted to buy her dress for her as a surprise. She’s the same size as I am, pretty much.”

Me: “Let me show you what we have in stock.”

(After showing several dresses, which he looks at in great detail, trying to glimpse himself in the mirror with the dress held in front of him…)

Male Customer: “I think this one is nice. Maybe I’ll take it. What do you think?”

Me: “I’d vote against it, sir. The colour doesn’t suit your complexion at all.”

(The customer kind of ducks his head and blushes when he realises that I know what the story is.)

Me: “What I’d suggest for your sister is either this one or one of these two.”

(He decided to take one of the dresses I’d recommended and came back later to tell me he’d had a great time and loved the dress. I was so pleased to be able to make even just one night easier for someone who basically had to live a life of serious pretense in order to stay out of jail or not be beaten up. It isn’t perfect yet, but we have come a long way.)

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