Yukon Freeze It, Part 3

, , , , | Right | September 3, 2013

(I’m about 10 years old. I’m coming out of a store, when a very obvious tourist couple confronts me. They have a kayak strapped to the top of their truck, and some skidoos trailered to the back. It’s summer.)

Tourist: “You! You can you help me!”

Me: “Umm, okay. What’s wrong?”

Tourist: “Where can I go ice fishing?”

Me: “A lot of places, but it’s way too warm for that right now.”

Tourist: “We’re in Canada, correct?”

Me: “Yeah, but it’s summer time. Maybe if you were much further north you’d find ice.”

Tourist: “I drove up from the south; this is north.”

Me: “Umm, well, you could take your kayak out to Lake Ontario to go regular fishing, but not ice fishing.”

(The tourist’s wife, with selective hearing issues, chimes in.)

Tourist’s Wife: “We can go ice fishing?!”

Me: *gives up* “Sure, just go down Lake Street, and you’ll find the lake.”

Tourist’s Wife: “Honey, look, they name their streets after the places they go to! How cute!”

(I watched them drive off in the opposite direction.)

 

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Loonie Over A Toonie, Part 3

, , , , | Right | August 28, 2013

(I work at a gift shop in Canada, just beside the US border, so we usually have a lot of American tourists. Our gift shop is one of the only places in the area that lets a customer perform their transactions in US currency.)

Customer: “Do you take real money?”

Me: *confused* “What do you mean?”

Customer: “Real money!”

(The customer holds up US currency.)

Me: “Oh, yes, we take Canadian or American, and we’ll give you American change back if we have some in the till.”

Customer: “Good. You people here are weird about your money.”

 

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Still In A Vegetative State

, , , , | Related | August 23, 2013

(My brother and I are both in the kitchen before school. I’m 19 and he’s 14. I am up very late, as usual, and am a bit out of it.)

Me: “[Brother], pass me the porn cops.”

Brother: “…I guess I know why you were up so late.”

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Half-Baked Jokes Can Lead To Dough-leful Regrets

, , | Learning | May 17, 2013

(I am in baking class and my group is making hamburger buns. A classmate plops some bread dough in his mouth.)

Me: “You did not just do that!”

Classmate: *smirking* “Yeah, I did.”

Me: “You do know you’re not supposed to eat bread dough, right?!”

Classmate: “Why? The teacher didn’t see.”

Me: “You do know what bread dough does when we leave it in a bowl with a towel over it, right?”

Classmate: “Yeah, it expands.”

Me: “What do you think it does in your stomach?”

Classmate: “That doesn’t even make sense!”

Me: “Your stomach is full of gasses that create a certain temperature that allows the bread dough to leaven. Then, it expands and eventually your stomach can’t handle it and it explodes!”

Classmate: *nervously* “Yeah right; nice try.”

(Some of the other classmates notice what’s going on and tell him that his stomach will explode. At this point he becomes horrified, and decides to ask the teacher if it’s true.)

Teacher: *pretending to be horrified* “You what?! How much did you eat?!”

Classmate: “Only a small ball; about the size of one of the ice cream scoops.”

Teacher: “Oh no! What have you done?!”

(At this point, my classmate is absolutely horrified and starts freaking out and asking if he needs to go to the hospital. We finally can’t take anymore and the group starts to laugh including the teacher. The classmate was very embarrassed and never ate bread dough again!)

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For Some, Reading Can Be A Stretch

, , | Learning | April 24, 2013

(One day in class, we are learning about blood cells. The teacher is talking about platelets when one of the other students raises her hand to ask a question.)

Student: “Why do I keep seeing these videos everywhere for platelets?”

Teacher: “What do you mean?”

Student: “I keep seeing videos everywhere for platelets.”

Teacher: “I don’t know.”

My Friend: *whispers to me* “She means Pilates.”

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