I work for a small engineering business. The company is run by a couple of directors who have a small office off of the open-plan office where we designers work. One of the directors looks after the finances and manufacturing side, whilst the other director looks after the engineering and technical side of the business. It is fair to say that their sense of humour is heavily innuendo-based, and at times, I have gone into the office for some engineering reason but left after watching a “Beavis And Butthead”-style performance. 

For example, this morning, I have to make some amendments to a drawing after the engineering director requests a minor cosmetic change. I make the changes and bring in the modified drawings to be attached to the manufacturing route card — the all-important bit of paper that gives the machinist the instructions to make the item. The route cards are then passed on to the finance director who orders material, etc., and sends them on for manufacture. This particular item is a shaped dowel that provides support for the part when it is clamped in place on a mitre saw. This part is called a button. I give the engineering director the drawing.

Engineering Director: “Thanks.”

He starts searching his paperwork-strewn desk for the route card.

Engineering Director: “Have you got the card?”

Me: “No, you didn’t give that to me.”

Engineering Director: “Are you sure? I haven’t got it here.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I haven’t, but you’ve got me doubting myself now. I can go and check my desk. Did you give it to [Finance Director]?”

Engineering Director: *With a grin* “Have you got saw buttons?”

The finance director responds loudly with a huge smile on his face.

Finance Director: “Sore buttons! Have I got sore buttons! How can you tell? Is it the huge grimace on my face?”

Anyway, that was this morning. Fast forward about half an hour, and I’m sat at my desk doing drawings and manning the phones whilst I wait for my lunch to start. My technical manager is having his lunch. The finance director comes out of his office making a jokey comment about how much work he has to do.

Technical Manager: “In a bit, is it okay if I come and see you before [Vendor] arrives?”

Finance Director: “Sure.”

Technical Manager: “I’ll come in when I’ve finished my yoghurt.”

Finance Director: “Finish the yoghurt? Is that some kind of euphemism?”

I try to insert a comment.

Me: “Clearly he is a man of culture!”

But I am largely ignored.

Finance Director: “I need to see my wife so I can finish my yoghurt!”

I realise that I am not going to be able to join in, so I decide to listen and enjoy the floor show whilst I work. I pick up my mug of tea and take a swig. Just then…

Technical Manager: “Very creamy and peachy.”

My half-mouthful of tea exits my mouth. Fortunately, as my mug is still in my mouth, the tea just returns to the mug. I swallow back a coughing fit, and with mock indignation, I call out:

Me: “Don’t say things like that! I very nearly sprayed my keyboard!”

Technical Manager: *Very suggestively* “Sprayed it with what?”

And my reaction to that? Let’s just say I had to wait a minute or two before I was able to finish my drink.

We’re having an impromptu meeting in the main office. Basically, the CEO is talking about something that needs to be done his way.

The radio has been left on at a very low, barely audible volume, and a very famous song with a catchy four-note riff is next. Picture five well-dressed secretaries in their forties sitting at their desks who, one by one, begin headbanging, and a totally oblivious CEO who still goes on with his pep talk, walking back and forth.

Then, an employee comes into the office, carrying some paperwork. He sees the scene and goes white.

Employee: “I’ll just come back when you’re done with the ritual.”

I start at a company that offers an employee savings website; you log on and it gives you “exclusive savings on everyday purchases.” Well, it is supposed to. I have never been a fan of these types of things and feel these are just cheap, low-effort ways for companies to look like they care.

One thing that surprises me is how much they try to ram it down your throat; it is mentioned three times in my induction, I have two emails in my first week, and then I get another email the following week asking why I didn’t sign up.

After a few months of noncompliance, I seem to have attracted the attention of one particular HR busybody who must be the one getting some sort of bonus out of all this.

Human Resources: “I noticed you haven’t signed up still. Are you having issues?”

Me: “No, thanks. I’m just not interested.”

Human Resources: “But there are so many savings! I think you should give it a go.”

Me: “No, thanks. I have checked the website and it doesn’t look worth it.”

This carries on until they realise that they are getting nowhere. Eventually, they go to my manager!

Manager: “I have heard from HR that you are refusing to complete some forms?”

Me: “What? No! They keep badgering me about the discount scheme thing.”

Manager: “Oh! So, you don’t want to sign up for it?”

Me: “Is it mandatory?”

Manager: “No.”

Me: “Do you actually use it?”

Manager: *Pauses* “Well… No, actually.”

Me: “Then no, thank you. Honestly, jumping through hoop after hoop to save pennies a month, or ‘saving money’ on brands that actually cost you more, isn’t actually helping anyone. Look.” *Opens the website* “Savings on round-the-world cruises, diamond jewellery, and high-end appliances. How does that help 99% of people that work here?”

He said nothing. A few months later, the scheme was still going but massively reduced. The company announced funding for the onsite food, reducing costs for everyone! Clearly, I wasn’t the only one not impressed by the current offerings.

Me: “IT help line; this is [My Name].”

High-Maintenance User: “Hi, [My Name]. Remember when you did all that work on my computer yesterday? Well, I can’t log in this morning! Did you do something to the network last night?”

IT “doing something to the network last night” is the primary cause of all problems, according to this user.

Me: “Noooo…”

I am already going to unlock the account.

Me: “Let’s get you unlocked here.”

High-Maintenance User: *Frantic typing* “It still won’t let me log in! Did you do something? Let’s just reset my password!”

During this whole time, he is not letting me answer. But if he wants to reset his password, no skin off my nose.

Me: “Okay… the new password is [new password with numbers and letters].”

High-Maintenance User: *Increasingly frantic* “It’s still not working! It’s not… Oh, wait. I had the Number-Lock key off. That’s why I couldn’t log in, to begin with!”

Another satisfied customer… for now.

My first proper job after leaving school is in a tiny sales company, consisting of the boss, his wife, two salesmen, and one admin: me. The job market is terrible, so I am fortunate to be employed — or so I thought.

There are no proper rules; the boss makes things up as he goes along, so we are constantly doing things “wrong.” Basically, we do things the way they were done yesterday, but he’ll have changed his mind overnight. And he never makes mistakes; he always insists he is right and has some convoluted, complicated reasoning for anything he does. I am seventeen and have no idea of the way a company is “supposed” to work, so I mostly just do whatever the boss says.

There is one single rule that we are NOT to break under any circumstances: every phone call has to be answered within three rings — no excuses, no exceptions. We should never, ever leave a phone ringing.

One day, I get a call from a customer who is expecting a refund and hasn’t received it and wants to speak to the boss. I put the call through. Ten minutes later, he comes out.

Boss: “If she calls again, I don’t want to speak to her.”

She calls the next day.

Customer: “I still haven’t gotten my refund. Can I speak to [Boss] again, please?”

Me: “He isn’t available right now.”

Customer: “He has been promising me a refund for the past two weeks and he keeps making excuses. Could you please have him call me back?”

I give him the message. He rolls his eyes and throws it in the bin.

The next day she calls again, demanding to be put through to him. When I say he isn’t available, she hangs up and rings again ten minutes later. I say he still isn’t available, and she says she will call all day until he speaks to her. True to her word, she calls every ten minutes, getting angrier and angrier. He refuses to take any of the calls; I am just to say he isn’t available.

Finally, after about two hours, she refuses to hang up.

Customer: “I know he’s there; now put him on the phone.”

I ask him what to do, and he says to just hang up on her.  

She rings back immediately, absolutely furious, shouting at me and demanding to speak to him, and I am trying desperately not to cry. I put her on hold and beg him to take the call, and he refuses. He says to hang up again. I do, and I tell him she was really angry and shouting, and she will probably call back.

Boss: “Just answer, and if it’s her, hang up.”

I stare at the phone, crying and terrified, and of course, it rings again. After three rings, the boss yells:

Boss: “Answer that phone!”

I grab it and she immediately starts screaming.

Customer: “DON’T HANG UP! DON’T YOU DARE HANG UP! I WANT TO SPEAK TO [BOSS] RIGHT NOW!”

I have no idea how to handle this. I do the only thing I can think of: I pretend I can’t hear her. Over her screaming, I just say:

Me: “Hello, [Company]. Hello? Hello?”

And then I hang up.

By this point, I am shaking and feel sick. When the phone rings again, I answer, and of course, it is her, and she is (rightly) furious. I just put the call straight through to the boss and go to the bathroom and sit on the floor, having a panic attack.

When I go back to my desk, my boss comes out of his office and glares at me.

Boss: “Don’t ever do that again.”

And he slammed his door.

I lasted another two months in that job, literally afraid to go to work every day but needing the money. The last day I was there, the boss walked in and told us the company was going bankrupt, we weren’t going to be paid, and to go home.