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Locked Into A Painful Show Of Deduction

, , , , , | Friendly | September 28, 2018

(I am sat outside a restaurant, waiting for my friend. I notice a guy in his 50s walking up to a car. He tries to open the passenger door, but it is locked. He then looks inside, and tries the door again. Again, he has no luck opening the door. I’m wondering if he owns the car or if he is trying to break into it. He then tries to open the driver’s door, and it opens. He only opens it a couple of inches and then closes it. He does this three more times, and then his wife comes out.)

Man: “Do you have the keys?”

Woman: “No, where are they?”

Man: *checking his pockets* “I don’t have them. The driver’s door is unlocked, and the car won’t let you lock it if the keys are still in it.”

Woman: “Well, they must be in the car. Did you look?” *on the passenger side* “I can see them; they are still in the ignition.”

Man: “Oh, I didn’t think to look there.”

(They got in the car and drove off, leaving me to wonder if he should have been driving at all, if he A: couldn’t remember to take his keys out of the car, and B: didn’t think to look in the ignition, knowing the door wouldn’t lock if the keys were in.)

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Turning Down Their Volume Control

, , , , | Right | June 14, 2017

In 1991 I worked for the summer at a local dealer in the service department. Lots of stupid customers.

One evening, just as the sun is going down, a lady who has bought a new Chevy S-10 Blazer comes to the service desk and she is mad. Her complaint is that the dash lights are not working, and she is ranting about how this was ridiculous on a new vehicle.

My manager, who is familiar with this customer, walks out to the vehicle, reaches in through the open window, and turns the dimmer knob. Wow, dash lights! She says not a word, not even thanks, and gets in the Blazer and drive away.

Not a week later, she’s back. No sound coming from the right-side speakers. And she was again ranting, this time to other customers, about the crap Chevy she had bought. Again, my manager walks out to the vehicle and turns the balance knob for the stereo. One of the other customers chuckled loudly, she turned red as a beet, got in the Blazer, and left the parking-lot with squealing rubber. Her husband brought the Blazer in for service after that.

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The Boy Wailed When He Saw The Orca

, , , , | Right | March 26, 2011

(A young boy approaches the counter.)

Boy: “Do you have any blow-up sharks? I want to scare my friends at day camp.”

(I look through our blow up water toys. I find one, but in order to get to it I have to take several packages off the hook. In doing so, the boy sees the blow-up toy in front of the one I am aiming for. He looks at me, dumbfounded.)

Boy: “THAT is not a shark. THAT is an orca.”

Me: “I was aiming to get the toy behind it, and–”

Boy: *holds up his hands* “Never mind!” *storms off*

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Must Have Lymphed Their Way Through Biology

, , , , , | Right | November 8, 2010

Me: “I’d like to do some tests on your cat.”

Client: “Which kind of tests? How does that work?”

Me: “I’d like to do some blood work. We take it just like a doctor would take human blood.”

Client: “Cats have blood?!”


This story is part of our Take Your Cat To The Vet roundup!

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Not Exactly The Pick Of The Litter, Part 2

, , , , , , | Right | April 7, 2010

(One of my regulars comes to my cash with her small child. The mother is very much pregnant.)

Me: “Oh, hello, [Mother] and [Daughter]. How are you today?”

Customer: “We’re great!” *turns to daughter* “Tell [My Name] what Mommy is going to have in September!”

Customer’s Daughter: “A baby!”

Me: “Really? What do you hope it’ll be?”

Customer’s Daughter: “A puppy!”


This story is part of the Puppy roundup!

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