(A lady comes into the store with her friend.)

Me: “Hi, how are you ladies today?”

Customer: “Your dress! I love it! “

(I am wearing a black tee with a black and white maxi skirt, not a dress.)

Me: “Oh, thank you!”

Customer: “I must have it.”

Me: “Well, I didn’t get the top here, but I can certainly show you where I got the skirt, if you’ll just follow me.”

Customer: “Take it off and sell it to me.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Go take your dress off and sell it to me!”

Me: “Um, I think I hear one of my other customers calling for me. If you’ll just excuse me…”

(Later on at the registers, I get stuck checking the two of them out. My on-duty manager is checking the merchandise locator for another customer, who is waiting at the opposite end.)

Customer: *to my manager* “You know, I tried to get this lady to sell me her outfit, but she just wouldn’t!”

Manager: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Oh, I was just kidding, of course.” *turns to me* “You should really learn to take a joke better.”

Manager: “Ma’am, whether you’re joking or not, you don’t go up to a complete stranger and demand they sell you their outfit. Not only is it extremely rude, but it’s just plain weird.”

(The customer and her friend silently pay for their purchases and leave.)

Next Customer In Line: “Wow. You ladies don’t get paid enough for that kind of crazy!”

(We are currently hiring for a large number of open positions, so we will take interviews from pretty much anyone. I am calling a job applicant.)

Applicant: “My roommate is looking for a job, as well; can I refer her to you?”

Me: “That would be great, actually! Can I have her phone number and name?”

Applicant: “Her name is [Roommate], and this is our landline; you can reach her at this number.”

Me: “All right. When would be a good time to reach her?”

Applicant: “She is standing here with me, right now. After we are done, just call back and she will pick up.”

Me: *pause* “Would it be possible for you to hand her the phone?”

(It’s the year before I was born. My parents are taking a long road trip. They have been driving for hours, and they stop at a 24-hour diner at about two in the morning.)

Waitress: “Hi, folks. What can I get you?”

Mom: “I’d like a grilled cheese and a [soda], please.”

Waitress: “And for you, sir?”

Dad: “I’ll have a milkshake with coleslaw.”

Waitress: “Sorry, what was that?”

Dad: “A milkshake with coleslaw, please.”

Mom: “Bob.”

Dad: “What? I want a milkshake with coleslaw!”

Waitress: “Okay, sir, let me just make sure I’ve got this right. You want a milkshake?”

Dad: “Yes.”

Waitress: “With coleslaw?”

Dad: “Yes!”

Waitress: “And nothing else?”

Dad: *long pause* “Did I forget to order a burger?”

Mom: “Yes, Bob, you did.”

Dad: “Oh. Sorry, I’m really tired.”

Waitress: *laughing* “Thank goodness! I couldn’t tell who was losing their mind: you or me!”

(I am on a late shift in midtown Manhattan. My assistant manager is acting as cashier and barista while I am bussing the lobby. A rather unkempt-looking 20-something woman wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt comes in and approaches the counter.)

Customer: “I’d like a grande coffee.”

Assistant Manager: “All right, that’ll be [price].”

Customer: “Okay, hold on a minute.”

(The customer turns her back, walks a few steps away, pulls down the front of her sweatpants and underwear, and proceeds to pull something apparently OUT OF her private parts. Aghast, I glance at the assistant manager and he glances back at me, looking horrified. As the woman turns around with a couple of crumpled bills in her hand, he quickly states:)

Assistant Manager: “I’m sorry, but we can’t accept that. You can just take your coffee for free.”

(The woman gave him a strange smile, took her coffee, and left. The assistant manager rushed to disinfect the counter and the door handle she touched on the way out. Only in New York.)

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(At my gas station, we have a small sub shop. This happens one busy night when I hop over to help the deli worker.)

Me: “Can I get you folks anything?”

Customer: “What’s the CBR?”

Me: “That’s our Chicken Bacon Ranch.”

Customer: “So, what’s in it?”

Me: “Um… chicken strips, bacon, and ranch dressing.”

Customer: *thinks for a moment* “So, it has, like, hot sauce on it?”

Me: “…”

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