(I had activated a phone for a new customer with a standard two-year agreement. The next day, she comes back into the store, clearly irritated.)

Me: “Hi, welcome back. How is your new phone working?”

Customer: “You messed up my contract. You need to fix it.”

Me: “Okay, what is the problem with your contract?”

Customer: “You said I had a two-year contract, but on this paperwork, it says 24 months. You need to fix it.”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s nothing wrong with the contract.”

Customer: “Yes, there is. You said two years and this says 24 months!”

Me: “Ma’am… how many months are in a year?”

Customer: “Twel–oh…well, now I feel stupid!”

Me: “Welcome to [Store], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I was calling about a corner fireplace you are supposed to have on sale.”

Me: “Yes ma’am, let me get you a price on that and check our stock.”

(I leave, check the sale price ($299), and come back to the phone.)

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes?”

Me: “Looks like the unit is $299.99 on sale.”

Customer: “WHAT? I have a piece of paper right here that says it should be $315!”

Me: “Oh, sorry. I said it’s on sale for $299.”

Customer: “What the h***, it says it right here on my piece of paper! Corner fireplace for $315!

Me: “Ma’am, $299 is less than $315.”

(There’s a very long silence.)

Customer: *click*

(This exchange happened between two coworkers.)

Waitress: “I need a fourth of a chicken to go, please.”

Cook: “Okay, a quarter chicken it is!”

Waitress: “NO! I ASKED FOR A FOURTH!”

Cook: “A quarter and a fourth are the same thing.”

Waitress: “Oh… is there another word for a half?”

Customer: “Um, this sign out here says $5.98 for a pound of turkey.”

Me: “Well, sir, if you look at your sticker, you’ll see that it is actually $3.98 a pound this week.”

Customer: “But, it says that it’s $5.98 a pound. You need to fix this, and you need to fix the price on my turkey.”

Me: “Sir, the turkey is on sale this week. You got it for $3.98 a pound, instead of $5.98.”

Customer: “Well, this is just ridiculous. You guys need to get your act straight, and you need to fix my sticker!”

Me: “You’re getting it for cheaper.”

Customer: *light bulb goes on* “Ohhhhhhh!”

(I am working at the paint desk when a customer calls the store.)

Customer: “Can you mix up my paint and have it ready when I get there? I have the formula.”

Me: “I can take the formula and stage it, but I can’t mix it until you arrive. What is the formula on the can?”

Customer: “It’s got 20% Magenta, 30% Cyan, 30% Yellow Oxide, and 30% White.”

Me: “It says that on the can?”

Customer: “No, that’s what I had them put in last time.”

Me: “Sir, that’s more than 100%. The formula you gave me is impossible to make.”

Customer: “I’ll just come down there and have someone who understands make it for me.” *click*