(Our cinema has two separate box offices. I go to relieve one of our cashiers and notice a lineup of people in front of our secondary box office, which is obviously closed.)

Me: “I’m sorry, guys, but this counter is closed. They’ll be happy to help you over there.”

Customer: “You mean I have to line up over there? Then you’d better give me a discount on my tickets!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we are unable to alter our ticket prices in the system.”

Customer: “Well, you should have a sign up! This is f****** ridiculous.”

Me: “As you can see, sir, there is a large sign blocking off the till, as well as both ends of the lineup being roped off.”

Customer: “ARE YOU ARGUING WITH ME?!”

(He then stormed off and terrorized my concession workers.)

(I work for a company which handles large groups and conventions coming into town. It is not uncommon for people to request lots of free items. Normally, I send these calls to someone in sales; however, the entire sales department is away for a site visit, and I’ve been instructed to provide callers with the email address of the relevant party, instead.)

Me: “Good morning, [City] information. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Yes, hello. I probably shouldn’t have waited this long, but I’m coming into town next week for a family reunion and I was wondering if the center would provide some little items that we could put in our goodie bags, like pens or something. There will be 65 of us.”

Me: “All right, currently the entire department is out of the office for an event. I can give you my colleague’s email address, though, and he’ll be able to respond to you promptly.”

Caller: “Can’t you give me a phone number? I don’t want this mailed to me; I want it delivered to my hotel. Your office is at [incorrect address], right? How far is that from [Hotel]?”

Me: “Our office is at [correct address], and it is about a 25-minute drive from [Hotel].”

Caller: “Oh, so it’s in a different area? Well, can you have them deliver these items to us so we don’t have to drive all the way down there?”

Me: “Like I said, the entire department is out of the office and I cannot give you their personal phone numbers. I can give you an email address and they will respond promptly, or I can transfer you to their voicemail and they will get back to you when they return to the office tomorrow.”

Caller: “Could you send me to their voicemail? And who is the party I will be talking to?”

Me: “[First Name] Polyachenko.”

Caller: “Chenko?”

Me: “No, Polyachenko.”

Caller: “Panko?”

Me: “Po-ly-a-chen-ko.”

Caller: “How do you spell that?”

Me: “P-O-L-Y-A-C-H-E-N-K-O.”

Caller: “Oh, so the P is silent?”

Me: *giving up* “Sure.”

(I ended the call thinking she’d leave a message and that would be that. Nope; she called back ten minutes later and got my coworker. She complained that I had sent her to the wrong office, even after my coworker explained everything I had just told the caller a few minutes before. My coworker transferred her to someone else in the sales department, who is, of course, also absent from the office until tomorrow. Customers like that are what drive me to drink before noon.)

(Our car is going to be out of commission during a very busy week for us, so we decide to rent a car at a place near our home. However, they have one of those things where you get routed to a centralized phone service that is not local. I am a woman.)

Me: “We would like to rent a midsize car at [Location] for five days, starting this afternoon.”

Operator: “What state is that in?”

Me: “It is in Vancouver, Canada.”

Operator: “I see seven locations in Vancouver.”

Me: “Yes, I’d like the location on [Street].”

(The name of the location and the name of the street are the same, and not similar to any others in Vancouver.)

Operator: “The address is [Number and Street]?

Me: “Yes.”

Operator: “What time is your flight coming in?”

Me: “We are local, just renting a car while ours is in the shop.”

Operator: “Is this an insurance claim?”

Me: “No, we’re paying for it ourselves.”

Operator: “And when do you want to pick it up?”

Me: “Today between five and six.”

Operator: “And drop-off?”

Me: “Wednesday at five.”

Operator: “And what size of car would you like?”

Me: “Any four-door midsize car.”

Operator: “And what is your name?”

Me: “I’ll give you my partner’s name, as she is the one who will be picking it up and driving.” *gives obviously female name*

Operator: “And what time will your husband be there?”

Me: “My wife will be there between five and six.”

Operator: “So, he’ll be there at four?”

Me: “No, she will be there after five.”

Operator: “Okay, will he be using a major credit card?”

Me: “Yes, she will be using a Visa card.”

Operator: “Is it a major credit card?”

Me: “Yes, it is a Visa card.”

Operator: “But is it a major card?”

Me: “Yes.”

Operator: “…”

Me: “…”

Operator: “Um… okay. And what time is your flight leaving?”

Me: “We are not flying. We are local.”

Operator: “Is this an insurance claim?”

Me: “No. We are paying ourselves.”

Operator: “And would your husband like a navigation system for an extra $10 a day? It gives directions, and restaurant and event recommendations.”

Me: “No, thank you, we know our way around.”

Operator: “Oh! Is this an insurance claim?”

Me: “No. It is not insurance. We are not flying. We just need a car for a few days. My wife is a woman, and she will be there between five and six to pick up. She will be using a Visa card, which is a major credit card in Canada. We will drop it off at five on Wednesday.”

Operator: “And what time does your flight leave?”

Me: *giving up* “Eight pm on Wednesday. What time do you suggest we drop it off?”

Operator: “Around five.”

Me: *briskly, in an effort to bring the Hell to an end* “Excellent. Thank you so much; please send me an email confirmation.”

(Amazingly enough, the car was waiting for us at our local branch.)

(Though my schedule is not written in stone, I’ve worked the same days every week for several months. Because of this, I’ve been able to plan my non-work life with little trouble. One day, I am in the break room looking over my schedule when I see I am scheduled for a day I don’t usually work. It also happens to be a day I have a doctor’s appointment scheduled.)

Me: *to myself* “Oh, crap.”

Coworker: “What’s wrong?”

Me: “Oh, I didn’t ask for next Friday off and I have a doctor’s appointment.”

Coworker: “You don’t normally work Friday, do you?”

Me: “No, that’s why I didn’t think to ask off. I’ll just have to reschedule my appointment. Oh, well!”

Coworker: “Why are you upset if you didn’t ask for it off?”

Me: “Oh, no, I’m okay. It’s my fault for not asking for it off. That’s all.”

Coworker: “I just don’t understand why you’re upset if you’re the one who didn’t think to ask for the day off.”

Me: “I’m not upset. I was just saying that I forgot and now I have to fix it. It’s not a big deal.”

Coworker: “You should have asked for it off.”

Me: *giving up* “Yeah, I guess. Lesson learned.”

(The day of the shift arrives. I walk in and my manager calls me to the office.)

Manager: “I heard there was a problem with today’s shift.”

Me: “There is?”

Manager: “It was brought to my attention that you were complaining about having to work today.”

Me: “No, I wasn’t. Who said that?”

Manager: “I can’t tell you. You know that this shift is within your availability, right?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Manager: “And you didn’t ask for the day off.”

Me: “Right.”

Manager: “So, I don’t understand what the problem is.”

Me: “Nothing. There’s no problem.”

Manager: “That’s not what I heard.”

Me: “Well, like I told [Coworker], I recognize that it’s my fault I didn’t ask for this day off. I was just basing things on how they’ve been for the last several months.”

Manager: “So, you’re upset because I scheduled you on a day you are available?”

Me: “I’m not upset. I assumed I’d have today off because that’s how it’s been for months. When I saw I was scheduled, I changed my appointment. It was my mistake.”

Manager: “I just don’t understand why you were complaining when you did nothing to prevent this.”

Me: “Oh, my gosh.”

Manager: “What?”

Me: “Nothing. Life is good.”

Manager: “Well, maybe in the future you’ll remember to ask for the day off instead of complaining.”

Me: “Yup. Thanks.”

(Apparently, my manager started using this experience as an example of thinking ahead when other employees asked for days off or had conflicts. Every time it came up, I had to explain again that yes, I know it was my fault and yes, I learned from it. And every time, my manager tells the story like I was furious and blamed him.)

(I work in an insurance office as an office staff member, meaning I don’t sell policies, but I service them. My coworker has been with the office for many years and knows our customers well. A customer walks in and approaches my desk:)

Customer: “Hi, is [Coworker] in?”

Me: “Yes, but she’s at lunch right now. I would be happy to help you, though.”

Customer: “No, thanks. [Coworker] called me earlier, and I’ve been working with her for years! She sold me my original policy, you know!”

Me: “That’s great! We love our long-term customers! She’s probably going to be out for twenty minutes or so. Do you want me to leave her a message, or perhaps I could look up something for you?”

Customer: “Oh, no. I’ll just wait for her.”

Me: “Are you sure? I’d feel bad for keeping you.”

Customer: “It’s no problem.”

Me: “All righty. Can I get you water or coffee while you wait?”

Customer: “Oh, no, thanks. I’ll just play with my phone a bit.”

Me: “Can I get your name, then, so I can have your file ready for [Coworker] when she gets back?”

Customer: “Oh, no, she’ll know who I am.”

Me: “I’m sure she will, but if I can grab your file, she’ll be able to get right to you.”

(The customer waves me off and sits in the lobby, playing with his phone. Approximately every five minutes, he grumbles about having to wait, and ponders why we’re given such long lunch breaks when we’re supposed to be working. Each time, I politely inform him that [Coworker] will return, and ask him if he’s sure I can’t help him. After approximately twenty minutes, [Coworker] does, indeed, return.)

Coworker: “Hey, [Customer]! How are you?”

Customer: “It’s about time you got back! I have been sitting here this whole time!”

Coworker: “Well, you know, I had to run some errands! What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Well, you called me this morning, and I didn’t understand the message!”

Coworker: *confused* “I haven’t called you today. Are you sure it wasn’t [My Name]?”

Customer: “It couldn’t have been her.”

Coworker: *to me* “Did you call [Customer’s Full Name]?”

Me: “Yes, I did. I wanted to let him know his payment had gone through, as he requested yesterday.”

Customer: “That’s not right! I’ve never spoken to you in my life! I only speak to [Coworker]!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I spoke to [Customer’s Full Name] yesterday, who requested I keep an eye on his automatic payment, as he had just updated his credit card info online, and I called to confirm it was posted to a card ending in [digits]. Was that not you?”

Customer: “That was me, but I never talked to you! I talked to [Coworker]! I never talk to anyone else, ever!”

Coworker: *reviewing our interaction notes* “I’m sorry, [Customer], but I haven’t spoken to you since last year. You’ve worked with [My Name] five times over the past several months.”

Customer: “Well, this isn’t right. I shouldn’t be tricked like this! I expect to talk to [Coworker] every time!”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, but sometimes I’m not available. [My Name] is just as licensed and knows what I do.”

Customer: “What am I paying for if I don’t get to talk to [Coworker]? This is ridiculous!”

Coworker: “You are paying for an insurance product. We are the staff that advises and guides you. Everyone in this office is licensed by the state and bonded by the company to help you.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. You’ve been lying to me all year. I wait all day to talk to you, and you tell me I can’t even talk to you. SHE—” *pointing to me* “—can’t even help me!”

([Coworker] started to explain, again, that she is not always available, but [Customer] had had enough, and left with a slam of the door. He later called to cancel all of his policies, but never completed the process. Sadly, this was a pretty common occurrence in our small town.)