Customer: “I was emailed a coupon.”

Me: “Yes, we are running some coupons at the moment.”

Customer: “But I don’t have a printer.”

Me: “You can scan the QR code from the coupon from your phone.”

Customer: “I don’t have a phone.”

Me: “Oh. Well then, I—”

Customer: “So, you admit you’re discriminating against people who don’t have access to expensive technology?”

Me: “No, I was going to—”

The customer then holds up a phone that’s recording video, which I realize has been there the whole time.

Customer: “Wooow! [Store Chain] just admitted to discriminating against the poor!”

Me: “Ma’am, I was about to offer to scan one of our in-store codes. Also, you’re recording me on an iPhone 14.”

The customer only THEN realized that her message probably wasn’t being delivered on the best platform and sheepishly made for the exit.

Customer’s Son: “Moooom! Can I have a candy bar?”

Customer: “No, you’ve had too much junk today already!”

The kid looks disappointed but accepts his mother’s command. The mother looks at me.

Customer: “I just don’t want them putting so many chemicals and stuff into their bodies, you know?”

Me: “I completely understand. That’ll be $20.34.”

Customer: “Oh, wait, I needed my smokes and my Red Bull!” 

Related:
Where There’s Smoke…, Part 2
Where There’s Smoke…

It’s Labor Day, and our restaurant is getting a lot of custom due to a lot of people having the day off.

Customer: “I want a table for six.”

Manager: “That will be at least an hour wait, sir. We’re very busy today.”

Customer: “Why?” 

Manager: “It’s Labor Day.”

Customer: “I didn’t think that many people would be out for that.”

Manager: “And why are you here today, sir?” 

Customer: “Well, we all have today off, so we came out to have lunch!”

Manager: “Of course, sir.”

We sell new and used firearms. A very loud, know-it-all customer comes in to look at a used pocket-sized Detonics .45. He passes the required background check and buys the gun. As with all used guns, I tell him:

Me: “Just remember, you should leave it unloaded until you get to a firing range.”

Customer: “I’ve been shooting for forty years, boy; I know what I’m doing!”

As he continues browsing, I decide to do some light maintenance on our rifles, wiping them down and re-oiling them if needed. I start in on the AR-15s when I hear this guy snort loudly and start a weapon safety briefing full of everything he knows on the topic.

Customer: “That’s not how you should be clearing weapons.”

Customer: “Remember to keep your finger off the trigger!”

Customer: “Looks like I should remind you about muzzle discipline.”

And so on. He is telling me to do all of the things I am currently doing anyway. He finishes his tirade, collects his hat, and leaves the store, still complaining about safety under his breath.

Not two minutes later, another customer comes racing into the store, yelling.

Another Customer: “Someone call 911! Someone just injured themselves!” 

Turns out, Mr. Safety had gotten into his truck, loaded the pistol he’d gotten, and promptly shot himself in the leg.

I was working on a wedding invite that the client was adamant should include an illustrated script typeface resembling rope. 

Me: “You know, this might not even work, and if it doesn’t, I’ve just wasted all that time.”

Client: “Don’t worry. I think you’ll be fine.”

Me: “Keep in mind that you can’t make copy edits once I get started since every letter is illustrated by hand.”

Client: “I understand! Just do it.”

After hours of work, I sent him a sample.

Client: “It’s not looking the way I wanted. Can you just pick a script typeface from your font collection? As well, I have some copy edits for you.”