(I work for a debt collection agency. We collect on behalf of other companies who are having no luck. Some of the most common debts we collect are old credit card balances and outstanding gym memberships. It does not matter whether you stop going – if you’re locked into a contract, you have to pay for however long you signed up for, whether you go or not. I’ve heard every excuse in the book. The worst one I ever got was this:)

Me: “Are you calling to make a payment?”

Customer: “I’m going to tell you what I keep telling [Gym]: I’m not paying!”

Me: “Our clients are looking to take legal action if your account cannot be resolved. May I ask why you aren’t paying?”

Customer: “Because they let paedophiles into that gym! I told them I wanted out because I didn’t want to go to a gym full of paedophiles!”

Me: “One moment, sir. I’m going to check the notes our client gave us.”

(I check the notes. The gym in question is members-only, and only accepts members over 18. In the UK, you are no longer a minor at 18; you are classed as a legal adult. The notes left by our client show that he has indeed been disputing the outstanding balance with the client and demanding early release from his contract, but his reasons were not accepted because: a) if there were a registered sex offender attending the gym, they still have the right to use the gym, especially as there are no children there; they are only barred from places with children, such as schools, b) the customer has refused at every opportunity to point out who all these “sex offenders” are, and c) the customer started doing this after six months, and had only attended the gym three times, all of those times in the first month.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but as our client has told you on multiple occasions, that is not a valid reason to cancel your membership. If you have reason to believe these sex offenders are picking up children near the gym, or using the premises for illegal activities, you should report it to the police; however, they are legally allowed to use the gym. The debt stands, and you are liable for the remaining balance.”

(The man continued rambling about all the paedophiles in the gym, telling me I was enabling them and that I must be a paedophile myself because I was taking their side. I advised the customer of his options, and of the consequences if he didn’t take them, and when he continued to call me a paedophile, I terminated the call. A few days later a complaint came in. The customer tried to get me fired because he claimed I was a paedophile. This complaint was never upheld because the call was recorded and I could prove he was lying. This didn’t stop him from trying to report me, the company I worked for, and the gym to the police. Nothing ever came of that, either.)

(I get a call from a woman who hasn’t paid her gas and electric account in twelve months. We are starting the process of taking the account to court to obtain a warrant to forcibly fit a prepayment meter.)

Customer: “Hi. I was calling to make a payment, but I wanted to ask for a settlement. My credit card company offered me a settlement; they took off 50%. If you take that off, I will pay you now in full.”

Me: “I’m afraid we don’t do settlements.”

Customer: “Don’t lie. Every company does settlements.”

Me: “I’m afraid not, ma’am. You can only get settlements on certain types of debt, and utility bill debt is not one of them. If you can only afford to pay half, I can put the remaining balance on a payment plan.”

Customer: “I’ll have to look at my finances and call you back later.”

(The customer hangs up. Thirty minutes later, she calls back and gets through to me again.)

Customer: “Hi, I was speaking to a young lady a while ago ,and I’m calling to take up her offer of settlement; she said if I paid in full today you would take 50% off.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid that’s not possible. We do not do settlements.”

Customer: “Well, that’s not what the young lady I spoke to earlier said. I was promised a settlement. If you promise something you have to do it; now I demand my settlement!”

Me: “Ma’am, there is no way you were promised a settlement.”

Customer: “Oh, so, you’re calling me a liar? I know what I was told. The girl I spoke to promised me a settlement if I paid in full today. So, you either give me what you promised, or I never pay a single penny.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am the person you spoke to thirty minutes ago, and I know for a fact that I told you several times that you cannot have a settlement on an outstanding utility bill. I am looking at my notes right now.”

Customer: “Liar! You promised a settlement.”

Me: “These calls are recorded. I can prove exactly what I told you.”

(The customer hung up. I made my notes and informed my manager of the call, because I suspected the customer would call back and try and pull a fast one. I was right. The customer called back all day trying to get through to a different advisor, each time claiming somebody promised her a settlement. She paid in full about a week later, but lodged a huge complaint, claiming that everyone was lying to her and that I should be fired for making false promises. She even tried to say one of the advisors called her a b**** when they thought they had put her on hold. Call recordings and extensive notes came to the rescue and we were able to refute every claim she made. Eventually she gave up.)

(I work in the in-store bakery of a major supermarket in the UK. One of the things we do is slice our fresh-baked loaves for customers. Unfortunately, our bread slicer broke a few days ago and we are waiting for a replacement part, so we can’t use it. A customer comes to the service door. She looks to be in her late thirties, while I am nineteen.)

Customer: *thrusting bread in my direction* “Excuse me, can you slice this for me?”

Me: *walking over to her* “I’m terribly sorry, but our slicer is broken. We’ve been unable to slice bread since Wednesday afternoon.”

(The customer leans to the side.)

Customer: “I can see the slicer right there. Slice it for me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I know the slicer is there but, as I said, it’s broken. It cannot be used.”

Customer: *huffing* “You people are all the same; your generation is so lazy! All I’m asking you to do is slice this loaf. That’s not so hard.”

Me: “Again, I would love to slice it for you, but I can’t. The bread slicer is out of order. We’re waiting for a part that needs to be ordered directly from the manufacturer.”

Customer: “Look, let me make this simple: you either slice this bread instead of being so lazy, or I get your manager.”

Me: “Our manager knows the slicer is broken. He was the one who had to authorise us ordering the part. You can speak to him if you like, but he’ll tell you the same thing.”

Customer: “Well, this is disgusting! All I want is to get some bread sliced and you’re refusing.”

Me: “I’m not refusing; I just can’t slice bread on a machine that is broken.”

Customer: “There you go with those lazy excuses. You know in the time you’ve made all your lies you could have sliced this bread!”

Me: “Madam, I really don’t know what to tell you. The machine is broken; it needs a specific part replaced and it’s going to take time to get here. In the meantime, we can’t use the machine. If I could slice your bread, I would. But I can’t.”

Customer: “Well, get a bloody knife and cut it for me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s not something I can do.”

Customer: *smiling triumphantly* “See, your machine isn’t really broken! If it was, you’d have said yes.”

Me: “Not really. We don’t have any knives suitable to slice bread in here. Plus, if you’re going to cut it with a knife, you’d be better off doing it at home.”

Customer: “Fine. Let’s see what your manager has to say about this. I hope you enjoy being unemployed!”

(The customer leaves. My manager does not come over. I decide to make up a few temporary paper signs to put around the bakery aisle to inform customers of our technical difficulties. We didn’t before because all our other customers understood, even if they were a little disappointed. After I put the sign up, I notice the woman is skulking about in the bakery aisle. I wonder what she is up to, so as I put up the signs, I keep an eye on her. Then, an elderly couple, probably in their seventies or older, picks out one of our baked-in-store loaves, and the woman practically jumps on them.)

Customer: “You know they refuse to cut these now? Their staff can’t be bothered. They’re hiring all these young, uneducated people who are too lazy to cut it for us! I tell you, this generation is so lazy!”

(The couple stare at her and then me.)

Elderly Woman: “Oh.” *points to signs I just put up* “Their slicer is broken, deary. I guess you’ll have to make do like my generation did without the luxury of electric slicers and cut it yourself at home with a bread knife instead of being lazy and relying on somebody else to do it for you.”

(The customer was speechless. She turned bright red and left without a word. It made my day.)

(I work for a pensions company in the transfers department. My job is to process people switching from their current pension company to us or from our company to another. I have been dealing with this particular customer for almost a month; there was an issue that was delaying the transfer because the company he was moving from was really dragging their feet. Throughout all this, the customer has been wonderfully understanding, and because of his good nature I have been going above and beyond, chasing the other company at every turn, keeping the customer informed. Unfortunately, we’re still waiting on a few last important details from the old company, but I am due to go on annual leave. I have spoken to a colleague who I know will keep up the same level of work. I call the customer to give him to latest update.)

Me: “Hello, Mr. [Customer]. It’s [My Name]. How are you today?”

Customer: “Oh, hello, [My Name]. Has [Other Company] pulled their finger out yet?”

Me: “I just chased them up; they promised to get the paperwork we need with us by Monday. Unfortunately, I am not going to be in the office for a few weeks, so I am handing your case over to a colleague to deal with it. He has promised—”

Customer: “What? Where are you going?”

Me: “I have some annual leave that has been booked for some time.”

Customer: “But I don’t want to deal with anyone but you.”

Me: “Don’t worry; I’ve fully briefed my colleague, and he has worked for [Company] for twenty years. If anything, he knows more than I do, so you’re in safe hands. He has promised to chase up [Other Company] and keep you in the loop at every turn.”

Customer: “No, no. This is not good enough. You’re going to have to cancel your holiday. This is important. I don’t want to deal with anyone else but you!”

(I’m a little surprised at this point, because this customer has been nothing but congenial and reasonable the whole time. It takes me a moment to respond.)

Me: “I’m unable to reschedule my annual leave, but I promise you that my colleague is more than capable. Besides that, once your pension has been transferred, somebody else will be dealing with your account. I only deal with transfers. Eventually you’ll have to trust somebody else with your account.”

Customer: “I understand that, but I need you to stay in the office. You can’t go on holiday. I won’t let you!”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry, sir, but you don’t have any say in whether I take annual leave or not. This is leave I am required by law to take, and it was booked a long time ago. I understand you are a little nervous, but again, I can assure you that my colleague will take excellent care of you.”

Customer: “Of course I have a say in when you go on holiday! My taxes pay for your holiday!”

Me: *slight pause* “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “My taxes pay for your holidays!”

Me: “I’m not sure I understand. My employer pays me my annual leave. Your taxes have nothing to do with it. In any case, that’s irrelevant. I’m very sorry, but again, I’ve left you with the most competent employee in the department with decades of experience.”

Customer: “Well, that isn’t good enough! This is terrible customer service! In fact, I’m thinking of cancelling the entire transfer if this is how badly you treat your customers!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. If you want to cancel the transfer, that’s your decision.”

Customer: “Well, fine! I will!”

(The customer hung up. I sat, flabbergasted. I was a little bit flattered, but also very annoyed that after all my efforts of going above and beyond my job description that the customer felt he had the right the dictate when I took my annual leave and that he found this to be terrible service. It didn’t matter, though; when I got back from annual leave, I came back to an apology letter from the customer and my colleague said he had been fine with him. It turns out that he was just having a bad day. He even wrote me a letter of commendation, thanking me for all my efforts, which won me an award at work for going above and beyond the call of duty.)

(I’m a guy who has been trying to get a job at the same place my husband works night shifts, on the same shift as him, which I made clear when I first applied. Attending the drug and alcohol test, the recruiter made it clear that that specific shift was unlikely to have any openings in the near future, and suggested another night shift, finishing and ending two hours earlier.)

Recruiter: “So, these are the hours; it’s only two hours difference to [Husband].”

Me: “Let’s do it. It’s better than waiting for months, but I wanted to have the same rota as him.”

Interviewer: *looks confused*

Me: “So we can have the same days off?”

Interviewer: *seemingly completely baffled* “Oh… Why?”

Me: “So we can… do things together?”

(He was seriously confused by the concept that a couple would want to share their days off. I don’t want to know what his relationships have been like for that to be such a foreign concept…)