(I work in an IT support role for veterinary practices as we build their software and computers. I have a five-minute phone call setting up a machine, and during the call, I hear two things every ten to twenty seconds: a parrot squawk followed by the Samsung message alert whistle.)

Me: “I’ll just need a couple of minutes to finish this off.”

(Whistle!)

Me: “It should install quite quickly.”

Customer: “No problem. I can wait.”

(Squawk! Whistle!)

Me: “Sounds quite busy over there today!”

Customer: “I have ten minutes until I leave, and I am so looking forward to it.”

(Whistle!)

Me: “Oh, that’s good!”

Customer: “Yeah, the parrot is in for observation and will not shut up.”

(Whistle!)

Customer: “It’s not a phone you are hearing. It’s this d*** bird.”

Me: “Oh, my God…”

(Squawk!)

Customer: “Yep…” *sigh*

(Whistle!)

Customer: “He’s been here for two days! We’re about close to—“ *whistle* ”—KILLING HIM!”

(I couldn’t hit my mute button fast enough to burst out laughing!)

(I am working in the collections department for an energy supplier when I get a call from a woman regarding a letter she says she received. She says she has a question about it. She gives me a reference number and I pull up the account.)

Me: “I’ve got the account up. May I ask your name?

(The customer gives me her name, and it is the same as on the account. I then ask her to confirm address and DOB, both of which match what is on the account.)

Me: “Thank you for confirming those details. What was your query?”

Caller: “Yes, what is this letter all about?”

Me: “There is a balance on the account. It needs to be paid. You owe [amount].”

Caller: “No, I don’t.”

Me: “I’m not seeing any payments since [date].”

Caller: “No, you don’t understand. This isn’t my account.”

Me: “Your name is on the account and you confirmed the address.”

Caller: “No, no. This letter isn’t for me. This is my friend’s account. My name is [Different Name].”

Me: “I’m sorry, madam, I can no longer discuss the account with you without the customer’s permission. Is the customer there?”

Caller: “You just broke the data protection law. You disclosed my friend’s details.”

Me: “Actually, madam, you committed fraud.”

Caller: “No, I didn’t. I never said I was the customer. You broke the law; now you’re going to lose your job. I’m going to report you.”

Me: “Actually, madam, when I asked what your name was, you told me it was [Customer]. When I asked what your address was, you said it was [Customer’s address], and when I asked you to confirm your date of birth, you told me it was [Customer’s DOB]. You pretended to be your friend, which is fraud.”

Caller: “No, I didn’t. If you heard that, that’s your fault. I’m going to report you!”

Me: “You are welcome to report this to the data commissioner. I’ll get you the details, if you like. We are obligated to report this incident, as well, and will send the recording of this call to prove what was said.”

Caller: “How dare you say that to me?! Get me your manager!”

(I got my manager, who took over the call. My manager promised to listen to the call and arranged to call the woman back once she had done so. Later that day, my manager came and spoke to me. She listened to the call and confirmed that the customer definitely committed fraud — she clearly said her name, address, and DOB were the customer’s. My manager gave me an anti-fraud form to fill in so it could be passed onto the police. During the call, the woman gave me her full name, and she gave my manager several phone numbers when they arranged the call back, one of which was a work number. My manager also got the woman’s address because the customer wanted me to write her a formal apology for accusing her of committing fraud. All these details went on the form we sent to the police.)

(I am British, but I have a really odd combination accent because growing up, I lived in places with vastly different dialects — Essex, Hampshire, Norfolk, and I even spent several years living in America, so on top of all those, I have a slight American twang, too. I am very used to people asking where my accent is from. Most are polite and just mildly curious. I am working in a call centre, though, when the following exchange happens.)

Me: “Hi. You’re through to [My Name] at [Company]; how may I help you?”

Customer: “Oh, your accent. Where is this call centre?”

Me: “It’s in Hampshire. I have a mixed accent because I moved around a lot growing up.”

Customer: “Are you South African?”

(This is a common guess; many people I speak to ask this.)

Me: “No, sorry. I’m British; my accent is just a mixture.”

Customer: “You’re lying. Why would you lie about being South African?”

Me: “I’m sorry, madam, I am not South African, but even if I was, it is irrelevant. Now, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I bet you’re foreign. Probably claiming benefits, stealing from taxpayers, and you’ve stolen that job from an honest British worker. You’re f****** scum, you know that? No wonder you won’t admit to being South African!”

Me: “Madam, this is your first warning and only warning. If you continue to use language like that, I will disconnect the call. However, if you will tell me what it is you are calling about, I will be happy to help you.”

Customer: “Oh, f*** off, you b****. I want to speak to a British agent, not some foreigner w***e like you!”

Me: “As previously advised, I am going to terminate the call. Have a nice day, madam.”

(I hang up the call and go and speak to my manager to inform her of the call, just in case. The customer did not even give me a name, so I cannot pull up an account to make a note on. However, as I am talking to my manager, one of my colleagues comes up and says she has a customer on the line demanding a manager, saying that some “foreign worker” called her names, was rude, and swore at her before calling her a b**** and hanging up. Evidently, the same customer called back as soon as I hung up. My manager looks at me and sighs.)

Manager: “Get back on the phones. Don’t worry; I’ll deal with this.”

(A few hours later, my manager asked me to come to her office. She informed me that she had listened to the call and found no issues with my conduct, and applauded me for my patience and tact with this particular customer. She then told me that she had informed the customer that she had listened to the call and found no indication that I had done any of what she’d claimed, but that, in fact, she had been the abusive one, and if she continued to do so, she would be barred from calling us. Then, the customer shouted abuse at her and she was forced to end the call. A few weeks later, we got a big complaint letter from this customer claiming that my manager and I had insulted her, called her several racial slurs, and called her a w***e. She demanded £100k as compensation. She never got it, but for months we kept getting letters. Each time she ramped up the story until eventually she was claiming that we’d made threats of violence against her, her family  — including claims that I, the “South African,” threatened to shoot them all — and that we threatened to add — in her exact words — a “£1000 b**** charge,” which I personally thought was hilarious. She also threatened to report us to the police, to tell the energy watchdogs about our “conduct’,” and to tell the papers about how our company hired and protected “South African terrorists.”)

(I work for one of the major energy suppliers in the UK. I get a call from a customer who hasn’t paid his bill for three years. He’s gotten away with it by setting up arrangements he never kept, booking appointments to fit a prepayment meter that he either called to reschedule at the last minute and then never remade, or just outright cancelling the appointment the day before. We have been given a warrant and are set to go to his property at the end of the week. As you can imagine, the customer is very unhappy.)

Customer: “Why did you get a warrant? Are you going to take my stuff? You can’t do that!”

Me: “We won’t remove your things; they’re not bailiffs. We need the warrant to gain access to your property to install a prepayment meter—”

Customer: “NO! I don’t want one. Cancel it!”

Me: “The only way I can cancel it is if you pay your balance in full today.”

Customer: “Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

Me: “Very much, sir. The balance has been outstanding for three years now with zero payment. I can take a card payment over the phone.”

Customer: “No. I’m not paying. Besides, this is discrimination!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “You’re bullying me because I’m gay!”

Me: “I can assure you this is not the case. Besides, how would we know you were gay?”

Customer: “No, you are picking on me! You’re sending people to my door because I’m gay! That’s discrimination and I’m going to sue! I shouldn’t have to put up with this!”

Me: “Sir, are you saying you should be exempt from paying your bill because you’re gay?”

Customer: “No, I’m saying you shouldn’t send me all these nasty letters and send people to my house!”

Me: “Sir, those letters were sent because you haven’t paid us anything for three years yet you have continued to use energy. We send them to all customers who don’t pay.”

Customer: “Well, I’m telling you now, you can’t come to my house. It’s private property. If you come without my permission, it’ll be counted as trespassing and I’ll sue.”

Me: “We have a warrant issued by a judge; therefore, we have permission.”

Customer: “The judge only gave you that warrant because I’m gay! That’s discrimination.”

Me: “Sir… I can assure you this is not the case. For one, even if judges were allowed to do this, they would have no way of knowing you were gay. You would just be a name on a piece of paper along with hundreds of other names.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want the meter. I’ll wait in and I won’t let them in.”

Me: “The warrant gives them permission to get a locksmith, which will add further charges to your account. It even allows them to request police assistance which, if required, would add yet another charge onto your account.”

Customer: “Oh, so, now you’re admitting you want to put charges on my account because I’m gay?”

Me: “No, sir. These would-be charges have nothing to do with you being gay. They are only if we require a locksmith or police intervention, not because of your sexual preference. Now, are you going to pay the balance, or are you going to wait for them to fit the meter at the end of the week?”

Customer: *pause* “I’ll pay now. But I’m going to complain! You can’t discriminate like this!”

Me: “I can assure you, sir, that [Company] couldn’t care less about your gender, ethnicity, or sexual orientation; we just care that you pay your bills. Now, let’s sort out that payment.”

(The guy paid his bill in full, which was almost £2,000, all the while rambling about how gay people were constantly persecuted, how this would not stand, how he would go to the news and the papers, and how he was going to sue us for discrimination.)

(I work for a debt collection company who mostly works on behalf of other companies. Basically, if a company has no luck getting a customer to pay, they get us to chase it for a short while. If we are unsuccessful, the account is passed back and usually goes to court, which is when bailiffs get involved. I get a call from a customer who is unhappy about getting letters demanding payment on a credit card balance; he hasn’t made a single payment in 18 months. Looking at the notes, we’re not the first company they’ve passed it to, but a note says if we don’t resolve it, this is going straight to court and bailiffs.)

Customer: “This letter says you’re taking me to court.”

Me: “If your debt cannot be resolved with us, then yes, [Company] will be taking it to court. If you can’t pay the balance today, I can set up a payment plan, but I will need a token payment today in order to set it up.”

(When accounts are marked as “high risk” — i.e. the customer has already set up but never stuck to payment plans with the original company — we cannot set up anything without some kind of token payment up front.)

Customer: “This is because I’m black, isn’t it?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Yeah, because I’m black you think I’m going to steal stuff, so you’re getting a judge involved.”

Me: “First, [Company] will take you to court because you haven’t paid the balance owing. Second, how would they know you were black?”

(Please note that the customer has a very generic name like “John Smith.” I had no way of knowing his ethnicity.)

Customer: “Well, duh! The colour of my skin. Are you blind?!”

Me: “Sir, this is a telephone conversation. I can’t see you.”

Customer: *long pause* “Oh. Okay. So, uh… how much would I have to pay to set up a payment plan today?”

(I took a payment and set up a payment plan. Surprise, surprise, the customer didn’t stick to it. The customer made a complaint claiming I was a racist and called him a racial slur and threatened him on the phone in order to get him to pay. He also wanted the money he paid back. He demanded his balance be written off because of this. Obviously, the complaint didn’t go anywhere because the calls are recorded and proved it didn’t happen, but the customer still kept calling to say I was being racist. His account got passed back to the client, which meant only one thing: bailiffs were headed his way.)