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Time To Shed Away That Staff Room

, , , , , | Working | August 25, 2017

(In a small town I live in, I have a shed in my garden, which I use as a sort of studio for drawing and writing. I recently notice food and supplies going missing. I assume it’s just my memory or some pranks by friends, until one day, the door opens while I’m working in there.)

Woman: “You! Who are you? What are you doing in our staff room? Are you new?”

Me: “Uh…”

Woman: “Out! Out! It’s not a break time yet! I have a phone call to make and I need my coffee. I can’t concentrate with you in here!”

Me: *losing my temper* “Hey! This is my study! Get out!”

Woman: “This is our staff room! I’m calling the police.”

(It turned out the woman was the manager of a shop that backed onto my garden, and had been using my study as an office and staff room for some time now. The rest of her staff had tried to convince her it wasn’t hers, but she wouldn’t listen. Despite everything, she kept calling the police every time I was in there, and when I fitted a lock, too. Eventually I moved out.)

Hasn’t Got The Energy To Deal With This

, , , , , , , | Right | August 15, 2017

(I used to work for one of the major energy suppliers in the UK. Over the years I heard all kinds of excuses not to pay the bill, some genuine, some just plain crazy. One of my favourites occurs when I am on the evening shift. A customer calls up, furious that we keep sending him bills.)

Customer: “I’m not paying because I don’t believe in paying for energy.”

Me: “You used the energy; you have to pay for it, whether you believe in it or not. I understand if you cannot pay all in one go and am happy to set you up with a payment plan, if you’d like.”

Customer: “No! I haven’t used any energy. I’m not paying for what I haven’t used.”

Me: “That’s not what the meter readings are saying.”

Customer: “Then your meters are faulty. I’m not using anything.”

Me: “You seem to be calling us from your home phone. Is that right?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “It’s also dark out. Do you have a light on?”

Customer: “Well, of course I am. How could I see without it?”

Me: “Your phone uses energy and so do your light bulbs. You just admitted to using energy.”

Customer: “NO! Phones are just phone lines – they don’t use electricity. Also light bulbs use solar energy. I am NOT using any of your electric.”

Me: “Oh, do you have solar panels?”

Customer: “No! You don’t even need them. All light bulbs run on solar power. They’re LIGHT bulbs. Light is powered by light. You know, from the sun. Sun LIGHT.”

Me: “I can also hear a television or radio on in the background.”

Customer: “Yes, but it’s SATELLITE. It runs off the SATELLITE, not electricity. God, you people are so f****** stupid.”

(I pause for a moment and decide this is just one of those battles that isn’t worth fighting. We have lots of customers waiting and this customer doesn’t seem willing to budge.)

Me: “Unfortunately, it appears as though your appliances are using electricity because your meter readings are going up. This bill must be paid. If you do not clear your balance or set up an arrangement, we will go to court for a warrant, which will allow us access to your property to fit a prepayment meter to ensure the energy is paid for. This will also incur further charges to your account. I can set you up on a payment plan today to prevent this.”

Customer: “Go f*** yourself, you stupid b****. Go ahead. Take me to court. I’m not using any energy. You’ll never get that warrant!”