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Don’t Let Grandma Give You A Puck On The Cheeks

, | Related | December 30, 2011

(My grandma is incredibly crazy when it comes to hockey. My family is watching the game in the living room when a player on my grandma’s favorite team gets hit.)

Grandma: *gasps* “You can’t shove someone like that! That’s not nice! This is hockey!”

(Everyone rolls their eyes. An hour later, a player on the other team gets hit.)

Grandma: *now blood-thirsty* “Nice hit! He deserved that one!”

(The player gets up.)

Grandma: “Why is he getting up? He shouldn’t be able to get up yet! Why is he getting up?”

(Everyone stares at grandma.)

Grandma: “Oh… uh… I mean…”

(She giggled awkwardly and continued watching quietly.)


This story is part of our Gorgeous Grandmas roundup!

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Quiet In A Flash

, , , , | Related | December 21, 2011

(I overhear a conversation. A little girl is stomping around, singing and yelling noisily in the changing rooms at a large clothing store.)

Mother: *from inside cubicle* “Shhh, sweetheart, shhh. Be a good girl.”

(The little girl continues stomping around, singing and yelling noisily, completely ignoring her mother.)

Grandmother: *from inside her cubicle* “Don’t talk to her in that stupid way; shout! Make her shut up.”

Mother: “She’s all right; she’s a good girl. Shhh, sweetheart, shush now.”

(The little girl gets noiser.)

Grandmother: “You’re a bit silly sometimes, love. I’ll sort her out. [Little Girl], come here a minute. Come and see Nanny.”

Little Girl: “What, Nanny?”

(The grandmothers cubicle door opens. The little girl screams.)

Little Girl: “Mommy, Nanny flashed me!”

Mother: “Mom! That’s not the way we handle these things!”

Grandmother: “[Little Girl], be quiet or I’ll do it again, all right?”

(The little girl is freaked out and stays silent.)

Grandmother: *villainous laugh*

His Movie Choice Is Rock Solid

, , , | Right | April 5, 2011

(I’m selling tickets. An elderly man walks up with his two granddaughters.)

Customer: “What movies do you have for kids?”

Me: “Well, we have Gnomeo and Juliet in regular or 3D or Tangled.”

Customer:Ga-nomeo and Juliet. We’ve already seen Tangled.”

Me: “Yes. Gnomeo and Juliet is really the only other movie we have for kids.”

Customer: “Okay. Two little ladies and one really old guy for Ga-nomeo and Juliet.” *pauses* “I’m so old, I invented rocks.”

Interior Design Supports Parental Decline

, , , | Right | April 4, 2011

(It’s 9 pm and the hotel is sold out. A guest calls from the 8th floor. Note: our rooms have exterior entrances.)

Me: “Front desk, how can I help you?”

Guest: “I was wondering, do you had any rooms on a lower floor? My grandson is only two, but he can reach the safety lock. He keeps trying to go outside.”

Me: “The only rooms we have available tonight are on the 6th floor. I can set you up for a room transfer tomorrow, if you like?

Guest: “That would be great!”

Me: “I’ll look for one all the way to the ground floor. Is that okay?”

Guest: “That would be fine, thank you. I just don’t want my grandson getting outside, you know.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll go ahead and set you up for that. But just to let you know, the ground floor hasn’t been renovated yet. The room is going to be a little outdated. The renovation has only reached the 6th floor.”

Guest: “Oh really? You know what? Packing all my things up might be a little difficult. It’s okay, never mind!”

Stalking Is A Matter Of Wife And Death

, , , , | Right | March 16, 2011

(I am working the register. An old woman walks up to me looking very flustered.)

Customer: “Sir, would you please call security. There’s a man following me.”

(I hear the voice of a child that is so small that I can’t see him over the counter.)

Child: “Grandma, that’s Grandpa!”