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Ah, Grandmothers, Part 3

, , , , , , | Right | November 29, 2013

(My aunt works at a popular doughnut shop chain near my grandmother’s house. One evening, my older sister and her boyfriend, my little brother, and I decide to head there after an afternoon at a fair, while waiting for my mom to pick us up. A short while afterward, a couple of tough-guy type young men walk in, making rude comments, being loud, and generally making a nuisance of themselves. The leader of the group approaches the counter where my aunt is working.)

Customer #1: “Yo, b****, gimme your number.”

Aunt: “I don’t think so. Is there anything you’d like to order?”

Customer #1: “How ’bout a piece of that a**?”

Aunt: “Sorry, not on the menu. Now order something or please leave. You’re holding up the line.”

Customer #2: “B****, we’ll leave when we wanna leave.”

Customer #3: “Yeah, who’s gonna stop us, little old you?”

Aunt: “No, little old [Manager]. Now, please, place your order or get out.”

(The customer orders two cases of donuts, and throws his money to the ground.)

Customer #1: “See what you did? Pick it up and hand it back to me!”

Aunt: “Um, it’s on your side of the counter.”

(The customer picks up his money and walks over behind the counter and throws it down again.)

Customer #1: “Now pick it up, b****!”

Aunt: “No. As a matter of fact, leave. I’m refusing service.”

Customer #1: “Why, because I’m black?!”

Aunt: “No, because you’re acting like an imperious a**hole, and you have been since you walked in. Now leave, or I’m calling the police.”

(As luck would have it, a police officer stops inside the shop.)

Me: “Wow, that was fast.”

Customer #1: “Officer, this racist b**** was trying to kick me and my homies out. We ain’t even done nothin’!”

Officer: “Really? Because what I saw was you throwing your money at this woman twice, in addition to walking behind the counter, which isn’t allowed for non-employees.”

(The customer and his buddies start throwing a fit, yelling expletives, flipping everybody off, and generally acting unruly. Then they head outside and start throwing boxes around; the leader even takes off his shirt and tries goading everyone into a fight.)

Customer #1: “COME ON, I’LL SHOW Y’ALL! I’LL BEAT Y’ALLS A**ES SO HARD! COME ON!”

(He has another argument with the officer, but thankfully leaves with his buddies. However, he comes back a few minutes later accompanied not by his friends, but his grandmother.)

Customer #1’s Grandmother: “So I understand y’all have a problem servin’ my grandbaby?”

Customer #1: “Yeah, yeah, they were callin’ me all kinds of s***, and the girl over there was saying we were on food stamps!”

Customer’s Grandmother: “…[Customer #1], stand outside and wait while I talk to the lady here.”

(The customer steps outside and my aunt explains everything that happened. After hearing it, the grandmother is incensed and walks outside.)

Customer #1’s Grandmother: “YOU LITTLE PUNK-A**! GET YO’ A** IN THE CAR NOW! You dragged me outta my home for THIS?!”

(As they drive off, my mom finally pulls in.)

Mom: “So, what’d I miss?”


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No Aptitude For Latitude, Part 3

, , , , , , , | Related | October 16, 2013

(My dad’s aunt is visiting from Texas, and she wants to visit NYC, about two and a half hours away. My aunt, my grandmother, my mom, and I take a day trip up there. After walking a lot, my aunt stops and leans against a building with her hands on her knees, breathing heavily.)

Mom: “Are you okay?”

Great-Aunt: “Oh, I’m fine, just a little winded because of the altitude. I’m not used to being this far above sea level.”

(Another sister of theirs lives in Colorado, so I assume that’s how she got it in her head that being out of breath in another state is the same as thinner air.)

Me: “But we’re at sea level, on an island. The ocean is right over there.”

Great-Aunt: “Oh, no, honey; we’re much higher up here than at home.”

Grandmother: *totally serious* “Right, because if you look at a map, Texas is down here, and New York is way up here!”

(When we get home, I look up the actual altitudes just for kicks. According to Google, New York City is 33 feet above sea level. Houston? 43 feet.)


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The Grandmother Of All Threats

, , , , | Right | October 11, 2013

(I work in my stepdad’s medical office. I am about 10 minutes late due to a car accident delaying traffic. There is an older patient waiting outside the office.)

Patient: *testily* “Why are you late?”

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. There was an accident on my way in delaying traffic. Let me unlock the door, and I’ll help you.”

Patient: “Well, I was going to leave, but I’ll see Dr. [Name] now.”

Me: “Once again, I’m very sorry, ma’am. He’s not in his office today. He’s doing school testing.”

Patient: “This is unacceptable. Your sign says you’re open from 10-4 on Thursdays!”

Me: “Ma’am, do you have an appointment?”

Patient: “No, you stupid girl! I don’t need an appointment!”

Me: “Well, our sign also says we don’t take walk-ins. So yes, you do need one.”

Patient: “This is outrageous! Why can’t I see the doctor?”

Me: “I just told you that, ma’am. Now I can schedule an appointment for you, or—”

Patient: “You call the doctor and get him back here right now! If you don’t, I’ll have my grandson come by and beat you up!”

Me: “Ma’am, I think you need to leave.”

Patient: “Why? I’m paying you!”

Me: “Because you just threatened to have me assaulted. If you do not leave immediately, I will call hospital security and have you escorted out.”

(She doesn’t leave. She calls her grandson, who apparently turns down her offer for him to come and hurt me, and I call security. The following Monday, a young man about my age walks into the office. He is holding a bouquet of flowers.)

Young Man: “Hi, are you the lady my grandmother asked me to beat up?”

Me: “Yes, I think that would be me.”

Young Man: *hands me the flowers* “I am so sorry. She does this every time she doesn’t get her way. I just wanted to thank you for being one of the few to not cave to her demands.”

Grandma Is Playing The Waiting Game

, , | Related | June 3, 2013

(I am visiting my grandma. Her friends decide to take us out a popular seafood place, and end up with a really cute waiter.)

Waiter: “And what would you like, ma’am?”

Grandma: “Give me the lobster! And make sure it’s super-hot, like you!”

Me: “Grandma!”

Waiter: *blushes* “Y-yes, ma’am.”

(The waiter scurries off, and my grandma’s friends all laugh among themselves.)

Friend #1: “His face was so red! You might get him on the plate instead of the lobster!”

(Later, our waiter brings us our food.)

Waiter: “Ma’am, would you like a bib for your lobster?”

Grandma: “Ooh, yes, please! Apply the protection for me!”

Me: “GRANDMA!”

(All her friends were laughing hysterically. The waiter avoided us for the rest of the night!)

She’ll Have Nonna His Lip

, , , | Working | March 18, 2013

(We have a kiosk in the back of the store that allows customers to shop and order online items. There is an elderly customer with her young granddaughter trying to work the system. I’m working on the computer attempting to fix a glitch, while my new coworker stands there doing nothing. He looks at the elderly customer and says…)

Coworker: “Aw, geez, that’s going to take forever!”

Me: “You could, you know… help her? It’s kinda what we’re here for.”

Coworker:  “Seriously? We have to help old hags figure out how to use an Internet browser? That wasn’t in MY job description!”

(The elderly woman hears my new coworker and flinches at his rude comments. As it isn’t busy, I go over and help her. Over the next half hour, I help her find what she wants and purchase it, while her young granddaughter shows amazing patience for a child her age.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, everything seems to be in order! Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “Oh, no, my dear! You’ve been amazing! Thank you so much!”

(To my astonishment, the customer’s young grandaughter wraps her arms around my leg and hugs it tightly.)

Granddaughter: *to me* “You’re a very very nice people. No one helped my Nonna like that today. Nonna said nice peoples need hugs!”

(I’m left speechless.The granddaughter then lets go of my leg, walks up to my coworker, and suddenly kicks him HARD in the shin.)

Coworker: “OW! What was that for?!”

Granddaughter: “You’re a mean people. Nonna says mean peoples don’t need hugs!”

Customer: *beaming* “There’s a good girl!”

(The two of them left, giving me their thanks while my new coworker glowered at me. That moment made my year!)