Coworker: *smug grin* “Whenever I see that some customer is struggling to understand me, like from a language barrier or whatever, I make sure to speak faster and quieter, and use more big words.”

Me: “No sé por qué eres hijo de p***.” *”I don’t know why you’re such a son of a b****.”*

Coworker: “Huh?”

Me: *faster, quieter* “No puedo empezar a comprender para cuál razón piensas es necesario ser p*****o a nuestros clientes maravillosas.” *”I can’t even begin to understand for what reason you think it’s necessary to be a d**khead to our marvelous customers.”*

Coworker: “God d*** it, I can’t understand you when you talk like that.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. I must be a terrible person.”

This happens during the dinner rush at a corporate [Popular Fast Food Chain]. I’ve been there a while so I know what I can and can’t do. The next man in line is an older gentleman with his wife. His English was heavily accented, and a little broken.

Me: “Hello! How can I help you?”

Customer #1: “Two wraps.”

Me: “Is that the sandwich or the meal?”

Customer #1: “Three ninety-nine.”

That’s the price of a single wrap, without a drink or side.

Me: “Okay, is that all?”

Customer #1: “Fries!”

Me: “Okay, what size will that be?”

Customer #1: “Medium fries, medium drink, three ninety-nine!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, that’s the price of our single wrap.”

Customer #1: “No fries?”

Me: “Yes, our meal is six dollars. Not four.”

Customer #1: “[Neighboring City] wrap, medium fries, medium drink, three ninety-nine.”

Me: “Yes, sir, but we aren’t the same store. That store is a franchise; this store is corporate.”

Customer #1: “Meal not three ninety-nine?”

Me: “Exactly, that’s just the price of the wrap, by itself.”

Customer #1: “But, [Neighboring City]!”

Me: “Yes, I understand, but it’s two different stores with two different sets of rules.”

Customer #1: “[Neighboring City] wrap, fries, and drink, three ninety-nine!”

Me: “Yes, but this store is corporate; we have to do what they tell us to.”

Customer #1: “Three ninety-nine, medium fries, medium drink!”

(Exasperated, I finally give up.)

Me: “Would you just like me to ring you up for two meals?”

Customer #1: “YES!”

Me: “Is that all?”

Customer #1: “Yes.”

Me: “That’ll be thirteen ninety-seven.”

Customer #1: “Oh, no! [Neighboring City] three ninety-nine!”

Me: “Yes, sir, but we don’t have that deal. This store is corporate; that store is a franchise.”

Customer #1: “It different?”

Me: “Yes, they are different.”

Customer #1: “Three ninety-nine not here?”

Me: “Yes, would you like to ring you up for just wraps?”

Customer #1: “Yes.”

I complete the transaction and the couple moves along. It’s been nearly ten minutes trying to get him to understand. My next customer is a blonde woman in her early thirties.

Customer #2: “Good job.”

Me: “Thanks. How can I help you?”

I take her order and continue on as normal. I’ve helped maybe three others when my manager brings the man’s food up.

Customer #1: “Fries and drink!”

Manager: “Your receipt says you just bought the wrapsl did you want to buy the fries?”

Customer #1: “[Neighboring City] wrap, medium fries, and medium drink! Three ninety nine!”

Manager: “But that store is a franchise and this store is corporate. If they have a special going on, we don’t.”

Customer #1: “No fries and drink?”

Manager: “That’s right.”

Customer #1: “I need drink, then.”

My manager pulls out a cup and sits it on the tray as the man is still fiddling with his wallet.

Manager: “No, it’s on me.”

The blonde woman is still waiting for her food and sees the exchange.

Customer #2: “You’ve got to be kidding!”

I couldn’t have said it better myself if I was allowed to!

(I am cleaning and stocking a newly built restaurant. We are not open yet and the site is obviously under construction, with temporary fencing and signs warning against trespassing. An elderly man walks inside.)

Customer: “I want a fish sandwich with ketchup added.”

Coworker: “Sir, we are closed. We don’t open until next week.”

Customer: “A fish sandwich with ketchup on it.”

Coworker: “We’re closed. We’re under construction.”

(The customer sits down in the lobby. We get our manager, who tells the man that he needs to leave.)

Customer: “Fine, then!”

(He raises his cane high above his head, slams it into the floor, and walks out.)

Customer: “Stay closed! Don’t open! I’m never coming here again!”

I’m a nurse at a busy hospital. We often get calls about anomalous readings regarding the heart monitors from the techs who monitor them remotely. Usually, it’s an easy fix like changing out the batteries of the monitor, making sure the connection is secure, or reattaching leads — those sticky things they stick all over your chest and belly at the hospital.

One afternoon, I get this call.

Heart Monitor Tech: “Are you the nurse for room [number]? Oh, my God, your patient is in asystole!” *Meaning they’re flat-lining* “You need to check on them right away.”

Me: “Hmm, I assure you she is not. I’m standing in front of her and she is breathing and talking to me right now.”

Heart Monitor Tech: “Are you sure?”

Me: *In my head* “Yes, I’m absolutely sure I’m not talking to a f****** corpse.”

Me: *Out loud* “I’ll be sure to check the monitor and leads, thanks.”

Patient: “So, I’m definitely not dead? Right?”

(My husband and I are having dinner at a local restaurant. Our server is a young black woman who is also serving the table beside us, which has an older — though not elderly — white woman. 

Everything seems fine until the woman pays her bill in cash. As the server is walking back to get change, she stops to see if my husband and I need drink refills. She is with us maybe five seconds, which is apparently suspicious.)

Customer: *sharply and loudly* “Don’t go ‘forgetting’ my change, honey, because I promise you I haven’t.”

Server: *in glacial polite tones, with a smile* “I am on my way to get your 37 cents just as soon as I check in on my other tables, ma’am, although if you need it right away I can spare it myself for you.”

(The woman seems to realize she’s drawn attention and looks flustered, and she is overly sweet when the server returns. I think maybe she’s realized she was being rude and presumptuous and is trying to make up for it, when she drops this gem as she stands up to leave.)

Customer: “Thank you, honey. Oh, and for next time, I speak ebonics, you know!”

(She left looking extremely proud of herself. How clueless can you be? I didn’t know what, if anything, I could say to our server, though I left her a bigger tip. Hopefully, she used it to buy herself something strong or indulgent after her shift because she deserves it if that’s the type of customer she has to deal with. Yet another reason why I could never be a server. Beaming positive vibes and good tips to all of you who are.)