(The customer is calling to book reservations for her family at a large Orlando theme park.)

Customer: “I want a hotel room with an ocean view.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am; Orlando is located in Central Florida, and is not on the coast. Would you like me to book you a room with a view of the lake instead?”

Customer: “No! I don’t want a d***ed view of the lake. I know you can see the ocean from there! I’m looking at a map of Florida right now, and it’s obvious how narrow it gets there. The ocean is very close on both sides, so book me a d*** ocean view room!”

Me: “You might want to check your map for a scale. I’ve been to Florida many times, and Orlando at least an hour’s drive to the ocean. There is no way you can see the coast from the resort.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll just call another travel agent who’s actually willing to help me book what I want.”

Me: “Er… ma’am, if you can find an ocean-view room in Orlando I will personally pay for your vacation out of my own pocket. Good luck with that.”

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(I work as a security officer in an upscale hotel near the big theme parks in Orlando. We get a call from one of the rooms complaining about a break-in and theft.)

Me: “Sir, you called security about a break-in? When were you out?”

Customer: “Yeah! We just got back from [Theme Park] and somebody broke in here and took all of our used towels and soaps and stuff! Looks like they went through everything!”

Me: “Sir? They took your used towels?”

Customer: “We had a buncha towels in the bathroom and a buncha shampoo and soaps are gone, too! See?! These ain’t my towels! I know because we had used ours last night and draped them over the shower curtain to dry! What kind of establishment are y’all runnin’ here?”

(I look around the bathroom; it looks tidy and neat. Clean towels are hanging on the towel rack, and new bottles of courtesy soaps and shampoos were put on the bathroom counter.)

Me: “Sir, were these your towels from home? Was anything else taken?”

Customer: “No! We gotta buncha towels with our room and now they’re gone! I know because they were wet! Somebody done been in here snoopin’ through our room!”

Me: “Sir… I believe that was housekeeping. They come in, clean up the room, see if you need any fresh towels, and give you new–”

(The man begins shouting.)

Customer: “DON’T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! SOMEBODY HAS BEEN IN MY ROOM!”

Me: “It’s called ‘Housekeeping.’ They come in and replace any toiletries you use during–”

Customer: “Well, I ain’t need no toilet treats! They coulda stole all my stuff!”

Me: “Sir… it was our maids. They come in and clean for you. There is a complimentary safe in your closet. You can lock up anything you don’t want out when our staff–”

Customer: “TELL THEM I DON’T WANT ANYONE IN MY ROOM AND GOIN’ THROUGH ALL MY STUFF! If they do it again, I’m calling the police and having all y’all arrested!”

Me: “All right, sir…”

(The customer and his family stayed a whole week in the hotel. Evidently they used the same four towels the whole time and split a one oz bottle of shampoo for four people over six days.)

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(Note: The cell phone provider I work for does not have call centers outside of North America. They have some in Canada, but that is irrelevant to the following transaction.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] Wireless. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want a credit to my account.”

Me: “Well, I can certainly see what I can do for you, sir. What seems to be the issue?”

Customer: “Where am I calling currently?”

Me: “Customer service, sir…?”

Customer: “Where are you located?”

Me: “Lake Mary, Florida.”

Customer: “I want a credit because the last person I spoke to from your company was in India.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have call centers in India. All our call centers are in North America.”

Customer: “Well, the person I just spoke with had a very heavy Middle Eastern accent and told me his name was Sam. Now, I know he was lying to me, so I want a credit applied to my bill!”

Me: “Sir, this is the United States of America. There are many people in this nation with varying accents. I cannot credit you for speaking to an American with an accent.”

Customer: “I want to talk to your supervisor!”

Me: “Sir, I would be more than happy to allow you to speak with my supervisor. His name is Muhammed… we call him ‘Moe’ for short. ”

Customer: *click*