Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m having a problem with your automatic ticket machines. It won’t let me buy children’s tickets.”

Me: “Okay, what movie did you want to see?”

Customer: “Final Destination 3D.”

(I look at the customer’s children, who can barely see over the counter.)

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t take your children to that movie. They’re too young.”

Customer: “What the h*** do you mean?! They’re my children!”

Me: “How old are they?”

Customer: “Six and eight.”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think you understand how gory it is. A man’s guts get sucked out and then explode in the air! Could I recommend a different movie for you?”

Customer: “No! I’m going to see this movie with my kids!”

Customer’s Husband: “Their favorite movies are Saw 1 and Saw 2!”

Me: “Well, they still can’t go. It’s illegal.”

Customer: “Nothing’s illegal to do with your children!” *storms away with husband and kids*

This story is part of our “Bad Parents & R-Rated Movies” roundup!

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Read the “Bad Parents & R-Rated Movies” roundup!

Customer: “I get to drive my own buggy, right?”

Me: “Yep. Of course, you are guided, but that’s only because the instructors know where the cliffs are. You’ll be chasing one.”

Customer: “A guide? I’ll be chasing a guide? What if he goes over a cliff?”

Me: “Well, they always keep groups away from the cliffs.”

Customer: “But what if I want to go over a cliff?”

Me: “If that’s the case, I don’t think we can take a check for your damage deposit.”

This story is part of our bad driver roundup!

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Read the bad driver roundup!

(A man comes to my register with a mint chocolate candy bar.)

Me: “Anything else?”

Customer: “Can you break a $100 bill?”

Me: “Actually, I can’t. We just opened and I haven’t gone to the bank today.”

Customer: “Oh, no! Do you know anywhere I can get change? I need this candy right away!”

(At this point I notice his panicked look. Coupled with the fact that he’s buying the most unappetizing candy in the store, I jump to a conclusion.)

Me: “Sir, these aren’t for you, are they?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Did your pregnant wife send you out at eight in the morning to buy this candy?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “For the love of God, man! Get these home to her before you’re in even more trouble! You can come back and pay me later!”

(The customer bolts out the door. He later came back, visibly calmer, and paid.)

This story is part of the Pregnancy Roundup!

Read the next Pregnancy Roundup story!

Read the Pregnancy Roundup!

(A man comes to my register with a mint chocolate candy bar.)

Me: “Anything else?”

Customer: “Can you break a $100 bill?”

Me: “Actually, I can’t. We just opened and I haven’t gone to the bank today.”

Customer: “Oh, no! Do you know anywhere I can get change? I need this candy right away!”

(At this point I notice his panicked look. Coupled with the fact that he’s buying the most unappetizing candy in the store, I jump to a conclusion.)

Me: “Sir, these aren’t for you, are they?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Did your pregnant wife send you out at eight in the morning to buy this candy?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “For the love of God, man! Get these home to her before you’re in even more trouble! You can come back and pay me later!”

(The customer bolted out the door. He later came back, visibly calmer, and paid.)

This story is included in our Candy roundup!

Click here to read the next story!

Click here to read the Candy roundup!

(This occurs two days after Christmas Day at the refunds desk.)

Customer: “These slippers don’t fit! I’ve been the same shoe size for years. It must be these new European sizes; I can’t even get my foot in!”

Me: “That’s no problem, sir. I’ll just refund these and give you a credit note, and then you can go and choose some slippers that fit.”

Customer: “This ruined my Christmas, you know!”

(I take the slippers and examine them for any faults or damage, while the customer continues to rant.)

Me: “Sir, did you remove the tissue paper from the toes before you tried these on?”

Customer: “Oh.”

(Needless to say, the slippers did, in fact, fit. Christmas was saved.)

This story is part of the Christmas Day roundup!

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Read the Christmas Day roundup!