Are You The “Vacation Type” Now, Kiddo?

When I’m fifteen, I go on an open-bar cruise, but obviously, I don’t plan on partaking in that. I’m also not the vacation type, so I spend most of the trip on playing video games and hanging out indoors. I learn what a virgin drink is and get really interested in trying all of them since they’re free. I’m a few drinks in when I get to a drink I’ve never heard of.

Me: “What’s a ‘blended white Russian’?”

Bartender: “It’s like a milkshake but with coffee, and it has alcohol in it.”

Me: “One of those, virgin, please!” *Tries the drink* “Oh, this just tastes like milk… Did you put the coffee in there? Can you?”

He takes it back and puts the coffee liqueur in it. I do not know that it’s alcohol.

Me: “Oh, wow! That’s great. Thank you!”

A few minutes pass…

Me: “Another, please!”

Another few minutes…

Me: “Another, thank you!”

After doing this for a WHILE, I start to get really ill. I see my mom walking across the deck and I call her over.

Me: “Can I get the room key? I drank too much milk too fast so I think I’m going to be ill.”

My mom turns on the bartender.

Mom: “I feel like you should know better than to fill a kid full of milkshakes when we’re on a boat.”

Bartender: *Deadpan* “That’s not a milkshake. It’s a white Russian.”

Me: “Don’t worry. I ordered a virgin!”

Bartender: “You asked for coffee liqueur.”

Me: “I asked for coffee.”

Bartender: “This is a bar. The only coffee I have is Kahlua.”

Mom: “Oh, my God, you’ve been serving a fifteen-year-old drinks!”

Bartender: “Oh, he’s fifteen?” *Looks at me* “You look younger.” *Walks off*

We were under the impression that there was no minimum drinking age in international waters so we didn’t try to complain, which I just learned isn’t even true. Also, “free drinks” was false advertising; most of the drinks I ordered were “Specialty Cocktails” and were very expensive. Sorry for my 400$ vomit, Mom.