Fruit Loopy

| Right | February 28, 2013

Me: “Alright ma’am, I’ve entered all your requests in the reservation. Have a great day!”

Caller: “Wait, I’m not finished! I want a fruit basket in my room to be there when I arrive. And there better not be any grapes! They’re nasty! They’re dirty and full of germs! I only want fruit with skins I can peel off!”

Me: *being a fellow germophobe* “I definitely understand that. Bananas and oranges.”

Caller: “If I find any skinless fruit, I will immediately throw the entire fruit basket out of the window into the ocean! Do you hear me?”

Me: “Ah, well then we have to move you to a room with a balcony, because the window in your stateroom doesn’t open. The upgrade would cost $2,100.00, is that okay?”

Caller: *long pause* “No, I will just carry it upstairs to the deck and do it from there.”

Me: “Alright, sounds great. Anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: “No thanks dear, have a good day.” *click*

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Not Harnessing The Brain Waves

| Right | October 26, 2012

(I work at guest services aboard a cruise ship that does 5-day cruises to Canada. We get pretty wacky questions sometimes. A man comes up to the desk.)

Guest: “Excuse me, I have a question.”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Guest: “Where does the water in the pools come from?”

Me: “We actually convert seawater into freshwater and put it into the pools.”

Guest: “Oh, so that’s why the water’s splashing so much!”

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Don’t Throw Rocks In Glass Elevators

| Right | May 25, 2012

(Note: I am a passenger on a cruise ship with my father. I am in my early 20’s and my father is in his late 50’s. We are in the elevator with some other passengers on our way back to our rooms.)

Passenger: *glares at us* “That’s disgraceful!”

Me: “I’m…sorry?”

Passenger: “That’s disgraceful. The age difference between you two. You should be ashamed of yourselves! Absolutely disgusting!”

(My dad and I give confused looks to each other. The other passengers have now begun to stare.)

Dad: “You’re very right. After all, I used to change her diapers when she was a baby!”

Passenger: “What?!”

Me: “Yeah, older men aren’t my type. Plus, he’s my dad.”

Passenger: *practically plows out of the elevator at the next floor*

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Might Want To Sever This Relation-Chip

| Related | May 23, 2012

(My family are on a cruise to the Bahamas, and my dad decides to take me with him to the casino. I am not allowed to play, but I am allowed to sit next to my dad and watch. After my dad plays for a while, I speak up.)

Me: “Aw, I wish I could play too. This looks like fun.”

Dad: “Tell you what, I’ll let you press some buttons every now and then.”

Me: “Yay, I love buttons!”

Dad: “Okay, now this button lets the dealer give you another—”

Me: *interrupts* “What does this button do?”

(I press it. Some lights go off and a ticket pops out of the machine.)

Me: “Oh wow, what did that do?”

Dad: “…That was the cash-out button.”

Me: “Oh, oopsie. So how much did we win?”

Dad: *pulls out the ticket and reads it* “…Ten cents.”

Me: *squeals* “Yay! We’re rich!”

(Dad chuckles and rolls his eyes.)

Me: “So, we going to cash that bad boy out?”

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Make Benefit Glorious Guestlogisticstan

| Right | November 16, 2011

(I work for a very well known cruise line in Florida. More likely than not, the crew members are not from the US. The people in the terminal on the other hand, are usually locals.)

Me: “Welcome to [cruise line], how are you today?”

Customer: *turning to wife* “Honey, she’s foreign.”

(He then turns back to me, flashes a huge smile, and starts speaking in incredibly slow English)

Customer: “Hello!” *glances at my name tag* “My! I’ve never heard of a country called ‘Guestlogistics’! Where is that?”

Me: “Sir, that’s my position here at the terminal. I’m actually from around here.”

Customer: “Is that in Europe?”

Me: “No, I’m from [next town over].”

Customer: *blank stare* “Okay…anyway, we’re all here to check in.”

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