The company I work for announced a while back that there won’t be a Christmas party this year, for obvious reasons. This is my first year with the company, but from what I’ve heard, the party is a pretty great time, so everyone was quite disappointed. At the event, each employee receives a gift card to a local mall or business. The amount varies, but it’s typically in the range of $50 — nothing to sneeze at, for sure.

It was announced that in lieu of a Christmas party, the company was going to provide a gift box for each of us containing a turkey, some vegetables, a pie, and some other items to round out a nice Christmas dinner. Most of us thought this was a nice gesture, seeing as it would have been pretty easy to simply cancel the party, cite the health crisis as the reason, and save a bunch of money.

One coworker was not happy with this. During our shift last Thursday, the manager phoned us up saying that our boxes were ready for pickup and that we could pack up early. [Coworker] blew up, ranting on and on about what an insult this gift was, how it was beneath him, and how he wanted a gift card or nothing. Keep in mind, he is a grown man, and people were around. It was a really embarrassing sight.

We tried to talk him down, but he continued to say how insulting and demeaning this was and how he didn’t need a turkey. Well, fair enough, you’re one guy and that’s a lot of food. Another coworker of ours, who is a really sweet young lady but unfortunately not very well off, asked if he could pick up his box and give it to her and her family. He refused, saying that he wouldn’t touch it out of principle. The food bank was also out of the question.

He even phoned the manager back to tell him what he had just told us. The manager was rightfully pissed and sent him home for the day, telling him that by refusing to pick it up today, he was forfeiting everything and that he couldn’t backtrack later on. He agreed and stormed off, so the rest of us went off to pick up our meals.

Out of the four of us on the crew that day, two of us had been forced to go to the food bank at least a couple of times in the past few years, so listening to this guy go on about how a free meal wasn’t good enough for him had us rather angry, especially considering the state of the world right now.

We showed up at the shop and the gift box blew our expectations out of the water. A twenty-two-pound turkey, bags of vegetables, an apple pie, stuffing, gravy, and cranberry sauce, all locally grown and handmade, complete with a baking tray, meat thermometer, and instructions on how to prep and cook everything. And for a little icing on the cake, tucked into the corner of each box was the $50 gift card that our coworker had been ranting on and on about. His gift box, complete with the gift card, ended up going to the food bank after all.

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[Coworker #1] works in the next office over but takes his lunch at the same time as ours. Some days he will blank us; other days he won’t leave us alone. He is okay apart from his some strange opinions and his outlook on life, in particular on women and their “role” in life and the workplace. Personally (and as a guy), I still find him odd and backward and would rather have nothing to do with him. 

[Coworker #2] and I are chatting about family life when [Coworker #1]’s tray lands on our table with a thud. 

He interrupts us.

Coworker #1: “Well, I would never have children.”

Me: “Okay…”

Coworker #2: “I love my children. They are a handful but they give so much love.”

Coworker #1: “Nah, all part of your female biological programming. It’s just nature.”

Me: “Okay, I… err… don’t know what to say to that.”

Coworker #2: “You know what? I think I’m going to get a head start on that presentation. [My Name], are you coming?”

Me: “Oh, the presentation. Sure, let me just finish my lunch really quick.”

Coworker #1: *Seemingly not noticing* “You see, women are programmed by their bodies to want and love children, allowing men to go out and hunt.”

Me: “And that’s what you are? A hunter?”

Coworker #1: “Well, yes. Yes, I am. I will never be burdened by family or children. I am the hunter and need independence.”

I finished my lunch and looked at [Coworker #1], his cardigan stained from lunches previous, looking like he couldn’t hunt down a cheese sandwich.

As far as I know, [Coworker #1] did get called in for sensitivity training, among many other things. But he never crossed the line enough to get disciplined properly. The greatest punishment was probably his own company.

My coworker is a nice lady but clueless. One day, we are both in a meeting with our boss.

Boss: “[My Name], there’s a huge problem with [System] and I need you to fix it as soon as possible. This will be your top priority. Call me in an hour to let me know how it’s going.”

Me: “You got it, [Boss].”

I return to my desk and start working on the problem. [Coworker] returns to hers right next to mine.

Coworker: “Hey, [My Name], have you noticed [incredibly trivial issue]?”

Me: “Hmm? No.”

Coworker: “It’s really annoying.”

Me: *Not really listening* “Uh-huh, I’ll bet.”

Coworker: *After an expectant pause* “So, I’ll need your help.”

Me: “Sure, I can help you later.”

Coworker: “What’s wrong with right now?”

Me: “Um, I’m busy.”

Coworker: “Doing what?”

Last year’s work Christmas party was a mess. There were complaints from nearly everyone about the food, restaurant, and dates, and complaints from people who said they didn’t get asked. But worse was that so many people didn’t turn up, meaning those that did had to stump up an extra bill.

I’ve been asked to organise it this year, as I am super organised and tend to enjoy these sorts of things, so I get to work.

Months in advance, I send out a poll with a choice of restaurant and a selection of dates. I get the menu as soon as it is released and stick it on the board and email it out. I make sure I get a response from everyone regarding their attendance and any allergies.

I chase everyone down who didn’t respond, especially when it comes to collecting a deposit. It’s strictly a “Don’t pay, don’t come!” scenario.

I track down one of the non-responders.

Me: “Last chance to come to the Christmas party.”

Coworker: “Oh, no! I want to come. Where is it?”

Me: “It’s at [Restaurant] on [date].”

Coworker: “Oh, I don’t really like that place. Can’t we go somewhere else?”

Me: “I sent out the options months ago. Sorry, it’s all decided. Do you want to come?”

Coworker: “Err… Sure. Okay.”

Me: “Okay, I need your deposit by the end of the day. Cash is fine, or you can transfer the money.”

Coworker: “Well, I didn’t know about—”

Me: *Interrupting* “I emailed everyone three times about this and it has been on the canteen and office notice board.”

Coworker: “Fine!”

Me: “Great. Everyone who has paid the deposit will get invited to the group chat for any updates.”

I send her an email, and then another the next day. She doesn’t pay. I collect everyone’s deposits, set up the group chat, and think we are pretty much done.

A few weeks later…

Coworker: “Oh, I realised that I never gave you that deposit. Here.”

Me: “Yeah, I already paid the restaurant. If you don’t pay them you can’t have a space.”

Coworker: “Well, you could have just paid it for me.”

Me: “You and the other fifteen people who didn’t pay me?”

Coworker: “Look, just sort it out or I will go to Human Resources.”

Me: “No.”

Coworker: “What do you mean, no? You’re excluding me; this is bullying.”

Me: “No and no. Firstly, you had plenty of notice and I don’t owe you anything, and secondly, we moved the meal to last weekend. Everyone who did pay the deposit had a great time.”

She swore at me and ran off. I think she might have made a complaint, but it never reached me. The next year, she made a big bid to organise the meal, presumably to spite me or “forget to invite me,” but she ended up going on holiday and half-a**ed the meal planning, and I had to step in again.

We had a good time without her again.

I work on a temp team that was formed to deal with a large-scale mistake caused by the incompetence of a government-controlled body. On the team are two non-British people. They’re honestly the two most friendly and fun people on the team. English is their third or fourth language, and they are extremely fluent, but they struggle with some phrases. The team leader has just wrapped up helping the Bulgarian with a call.

Team Leader: “You need to call [company] at three-ish, [Bulgarian].”

The leader then walks off without waiting for questions or anything. [Bulgarian] sits there, confused, and then turns to [Ukrainian] and says something in a language that I don’t understand, mentioning the word, “three-ish.” [Ukrainian] shrugs and responds in the same language, also mentioning “three-ish” and my name.

Bulgarian: *To me* “What is this ‘three-ish’ he speaks of?”

Me: “Around the time of three.”

Ukrainian: “This ‘ish’ is what? Many words have it but they’re not the same?”

Me: “We add it to the end of words to mean… um… ‘sort of’ or ‘kind of’… or ‘about that’. So… you know what someone who’s happy is, yes?” *They nod.* “If they were happy-ish they were kind of happy but also not happy. It’s not as strong as the emotion of being fully happy.”

Ukrainian & Bulgarian: “Ahhhh. Yes!”

Ukrainian: “Things start to make a bit more sense. Silly English and their silly added words to make more words… like the Germans. ‘Handschuhe’! ‘Handschuhe’!” 

English Coworker: “Why are we yelling in German?”