(We monitor closed circuit television for various highrise blocks in our city. One of our blocks is almost entirely enclosed inside a high fence with two vehicle gates. One is to enter and is security fob accessible, and one is to exit, and automatically opens when you drive up to it from the inside. Unfortunately, this exit gate is extremely temperamental and breaks down at the slightest gust of wind. There is a reset button near the gates, but this can be as temperamental as the gates themselves. We also have wardens that we can dispatch to any of our blocks. On this instance, our gates have failed again, but the onsite staff has already notified us. Two of our wardens are on site, but are both quite new. They are, however, very eager and very hands-on. This conversation takes place over radio.)

Warden: “We just wanted to let you know that the vehicle exit gates have failed. Is there anything that can be done?”

Me: “The only thing we can do is to phone [Repairs] and report it. You could try the reset button.”

Warden: “Is that [location of button]? Will that do anything, though?”

Me: “Well, you can try it. The worst thing that will happen is nothing at all.”

(At this point, we can see them pressing the button on the camera and I feel a bit mischievous.)

Me: “Yeah. You’ll have to test it by pretending to be a car.”

(I could watch what they do next all day, but I quickly put them out of their misery.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I mean you’ll have to test it with a car.”

(It did resolve the issue, but I will forever have the memory of our two new wardens jumping up and down in front of the gates doing star jumps trying to get the gates open.)

(I work for a large energy firm servicing department. Everyone gets this type of call several times a day.)

Me: “Good morning, you’re through to [Company] and [Department]. How can I help?”

Customer: “My fireplace isn’t working.”

(I go over security details and they pass, and we proceed to pull up a calendar for repair appointment.)

Me: “Okay, sir, the earliest available appointment is two days from now between 12:00 and 6:00 pm.”

Customer: “Have you got anything sooner?”

Me: “No, sir, two days is the earliest appointment, 12:00 until 6:00 pm.”

Customer: “Okay, I guess I’ll take the morning, then.”

Me: “Sir, the next appointment is two days from now in the afternoon, or three days from now in the morning. If you prefer a morning, you will have to wait until the third day or I will book you in for the afternoon.”

Customer: “Well, that isn’t very good. Why can’t I get an appointment in the morning for two days time?”

Me: “Because we work on a live system with limited staffing for repairs. If we have a high volume of breakdowns in your area, it is mainly first-come, first-serve.”

Customer: “I pay £35 a month for this agreement. Can’t you cancel someone else’s appointment?”

Me: “In the interest of equality, we do not cancel appointments to book in other customers; that is company policy.”

Customer: “I don’t care; I want an appointment in the morning.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, that is not a possibility, and due to it being a live system, if I do not book you an appointment now it may be gone soon.”

Customer: “Fine! Don’t know why I pay for this service.”

Me: “Because if you didn’t, it could be anything up to $400 or more for each repair and a wait of up to a week or more, sir.”

(We resolve the call and they hang up.)

Coworker: “So, no mornings, then?”

Me: “Don’t get me started!”

(My boyfriend and I are in a shop looking at the menswear. He spots some shirts he likes and decides to try them on. As he puts the first one on, the music playing on the speakers suddenly turns a bit static, as if a CD had been scratched. My boyfriend decides to try on the second shirt, so he takes off the first one – and the music goes back to normal.)

Me: “That’s got to be a funny coincidence.”

Boyfriend: “I’m going to test this theory.”

(He puts the second shirt on and the music continues as normal.)

Me: “Shame.”

(However, with the third shirt, the music once again has problems. We laugh about this and he buys all the shirts he tries on. Two days later we are in another shop. I have spotted a pair of jeans I like and am just heading back to the till when suddenly, all the power goes out throughout the shopping centre.)

Me: *jokingly* “Were you trying on another shirt?”

Boyfriend: “…yes.”

Me: *laughing* “You! Are! Cursed!”

(A customer phones up five minutes before we close, to try and track some products she ordered but haven’t been delivered.)

Me: “Okay, I’m just going to need to take your contact details, so I can try and trace your order. Can I take your address and your phone number?”

Customer: “I don’t have a phone.”

Me: “How are we speaking now?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

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Me: “So, you want me to hook up this computer to the Internet?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay! First thing’s first: where’s the modem or router so I can connect the computer to the net?”

Customer: “I don’t have one.”

Me: “You don’t have one?”

Customer: “I thought you could download a modem off the Internet for me.”

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