Welcome To Apocalypse-Mart, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | August 29, 2019

(I work in a large call center for an international grocery store. It’s my first week, and I’ve just finished helping an old lady with her query.)

Customer: “Thank you so much, young man! I have to ask though, young man, do you believe in our Lord Jesus Christ?”

(I remember back to my training, where I was told to avoid all religious discussion.)

Me: “I don’t think that’s relevant to me helping you today, ma’am. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “Now, young man! I need to know if I was helped by a Christian or by a heathen!”

(I look over to my supervisor, who’s been listening in to the whole conversation. He gives me a thumbs up and a wink.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I am an atheist.”

Customer:Heathen! You will burn in Hell if you do not accept the Lord as your savior! I demand to speak to your supervisor at once!

Me: “I’ll be glad to do that for you, ma’am. Give me a moment.”

(From this point on, I can only hear my supervisor speaking…)

Supervisor: “Yes, ma’am, I hear you have a complaint about one of my employees?” *pause* “I see.” *pause* “That’s terrible.” *pause* “I apologise, ma’am, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to terminate the call. I’ve just been told it is time for our hourly sacrifice to Satan.”

(The woman’s response is loud enough for me to hear over his headset.)

Customer: “HEATHENS!” *click*

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If The Shoe Fits… And Even If It Doesn’t

, , , , , , | Related | August 25, 2018

(My parents and I are getting ready to go to a wedding in my parents’ city. I live a few hours away, so I pack late the night before and come down early in the morning. I happen to own a couple of pairs of the same kind of shoe. When it’s time to leave for the wedding, I pluck my shoes out of my bag and realise that in my haste, I packed the right shoe from both pairs. My mum leaps into action to see if she can find a spare pair from when I used to live there. In the meantime…)

Dad: “What’s going on?”

Me: “I packed two right shoes.”

(I expect him to get mad because we need to leave, but instead he frowns at me, confused.)

Dad: “Is this a family trait?”

Me: “Eh?”

Dad: “Your sister did the exact same thing a few days ago when she was going out.”

Me: “Really?”

Dad: “Yes. What is it with you two?”

(He sends my sister a message telling her what I did. A little while later…)

Dad: “Your sister says she wasn’t as bad as you; she took a right and a left. They were just from different pairs.”

Me: “Wait, at least mine makes sense because I own two pairs of the same shoes and mixed them up. How is getting two shoes from different pairs better?”

Dad: “To be honest, you’re both as bad as each other.”

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Enabling A Magical Christmas Gathering

, , , , , | Hopeless | March 2, 2018

(I work in an online store that sells ‘Magic: The Gathering’ cards. It is almost Christmas.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help?”

Boy: *sounds about 15* “Hi, I’m building a deck for a Christmas tournament tomorrow, and the shop that I ordered the cards from has just told me that they are out of [Card]. It’s sold out everywhere, even on your site. I don’t want to be that guy, but do you have any in stock that were not loaded onto the website?”

Me: “I’ll check for you.”

(Sure enough, I find we have some.)

Me: “Good news: we do! You can check them out on the website. If you choose the international shipping option, I’ll use a courier service; it should be there tomorrow.”

Boy: “Thank you so much. You are a lifesaver!”

(Three days later, I got a package. It was a box of chocolates, a picture of the boy holding a trophy, and a note: “Thank you so much! I managed to come first. Enjoy these!” I love my job.)

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Not In The Top Percentile, Part 2

, , , , , , | Working | January 3, 2018

(I buy some leggings that are 50% off of the original price of £8. There is something wrong with the tills, so the cashiers have to work stuff out on calculators. I am dumbfounded when the girl starts using her calculator to figure out 50% of £8.)

Cashier: “Um… That’s £7.84, please.”

Me: “No, that’s not right.”

Cashier: “50% off is £7.84.”

Me: “No, it should be £4.”

(The cashier takes her calculator and shows me how she worked it out. She divided 800 by 50 and took the answer, 16, off the £8.)

Me: “That’s not how you work out percentages. 50% is half; half of 8 is 4.”

Cashier: *pauses* “I think you’re right, actually. Sorry. That’s £4, please.”

 

Related:

Not In The Top Percentile

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Car-Fooling

, , , , | Working | October 23, 2017

(We monitor closed circuit television for various highrise blocks in our city. One of our blocks is almost entirely enclosed inside a high fence with two vehicle gates. One is to enter and is security fob accessible, and one is to exit, and automatically opens when you drive up to it from the inside. Unfortunately, this exit gate is extremely temperamental and breaks down at the slightest gust of wind. There is a reset button near the gates, but this can be as temperamental as the gates themselves. We also have wardens that we can dispatch to any of our blocks. On this instance, our gates have failed again, but the onsite staff has already notified us. Two of our wardens are on site, but are both quite new. They are, however, very eager and very hands-on. This conversation takes place over radio.)

Warden: “We just wanted to let you know that the vehicle exit gates have failed. Is there anything that can be done?”

Me: “The only thing we can do is to phone [Repairs] and report it. You could try the reset button.”

Warden: “Is that [location of button]? Will that do anything, though?”

Me: “Well, you can try it. The worst thing that will happen is nothing at all.”

(At this point, we can see them pressing the button on the camera and I feel a bit mischievous.)

Me: “Yeah. You’ll have to test it by pretending to be a car.”

(I could watch what they do next all day, but I quickly put them out of their misery.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I mean you’ll have to test it with a car.”

(It did resolve the issue, but I will forever have the memory of our two new wardens jumping up and down in front of the gates doing star jumps trying to get the gates open.)

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