Shirley They Can’t Be Serious

, , , , | Right | January 1, 2018

(At my restaurant, I work the morning shift. In order to avoid serving old or cold coffee we don’t brew a pot until a customer asks. These are my very first customers of the day.)

Customer: “Our coffee is cold! Take it and replace it with Shirley Temples.”

(Meanwhile, steam is still rising from their cups.)

Me: “Are you sure you don’t just a fresh cup of coffee? Shirley Temples are $1 more.”

Customer’s Wife: “You don’t really expect us to pay for them after you served cold coffee, do you?”

Me: “Ma’am, there is steam rising from your coffee cups still. I can replace the coffee, and I won’t charge you for them, but if you want a Shirley Temple it’s the full price.”

(They opened their mouths to talk back, but closed them again, and then asked for the faux cocktails. They didn’t speak to me for the rest of their meal.)

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Acerbic Allergic

, , | Healthy | December 31, 2017

(I am 15. In my family, most of the women on my mom’s side have a condition called Restless Leg Syndrome, which is a brutally frustrating tic where your muscles in your thigh and calf feel like they are in spasm, like a small electric shock. It comes randomly, and nothing seems to help it stop once an episode starts; you just have to ride it out. I’ve been dealing with this myself since I was a kid. What my mom thought were growing pains turned out to be RLS. I’ve been referred to a specialist to see what my options are. Part of the process is conducting a nerve path function test. I have small needles pointed into the tips of my fingers, with electrical simulation higher up my arms to track if the signal is flowing properly. The test is uncomfortable to say the least.)

Specialist: “The results seem to be okay for your arms, which is a good indication that your legs would reveal the same.”

Me: “No short circuit, then? Bonus!”

(I am trying to lighten the mood as my mom is stressed at seeing me in such discomfort, and I am trying to take my mind off of it as well.)

Specialist: *stares blankly at me* “Your RLS is likely caused by poor diet and lack of exercise and in many cases, alcohol.”

Me: “Well, geeze, Mom, if you had just laid off the whiskey at bedtime, we wouldn’t be here now!”

Specialist: *blank stare* “In the event we have to do a minor surgery to explore nerve function, is there anything you’re allergic to in terms of medication?”

Me: “Penicillin.”

Specialist: “And what happens when you take it?”

Me: “I get a terrible rash over my stomach and chest and become very sick to my stomach.”

Specialist: “So you’re not allergic to it.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Specialist: “You’re not allergic to it. You wouldn’t die if it was given to you.”

Me: “Well, no, I guess not but—”

Specialist: “That’s an intolerance. You shouldn’t say you are allergic to penicillin. What if it was required to save your life from an infection?”

Mom: “Well, there are plenty of alternatives out there, I think it’s a semi-common allergy? She’s had to have antibiotics for various infections, and they always seem to find something else.”

Specialist: *to my mom* “Do you have allergies?”

Mom: “Yes, I’m allergic to strawberries.”

Specialist: “And what happens if you eat them?”

Mom: “Well I go into anaphylactic shock very fast.”

Specialist: “THAT, is an allergy. I’m not writing on your chart that you’re allergic to penicillin. See the front reception to re-book when you’re ready.”

(He promptly leaves, with my mom and I sitting in stunned silence. I suppose he was right — I wouldn’t die if I was given penicillin in an emergency, but the marvel’s of modern medicine mean I don’t have to when there are so many alternatives. I am careful to tell other doctors now, that it’s not a life threatening allergy, but to avoid it if possible!)

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Was Afraid Of Canoe-dling

, , , , , | Learning | December 30, 2017

(I go to school for outdoor education and take an advance leadership course. We have to go on a trip, and our options are canoeing, kayaking, or hiking trips. Since I have been canoeing all my life, I sign up for the canoeing option. A week or so later, the professors send out an email asking if anybody in the canoeing group would mind switching over to another trip. They say that they’ve had too much interest in this trip, and cannot take the amount of people that signed up. Since I always want to help out and try something new, I offer to switch to kayaking, and the professors express their thanks to me. The canoe trip ends up being all boys and the kayaking trip ends up being all girls. I have a wonderful time on the kayaking trip, but it is forever tainted after this event. A friend of mine went on the kayaking trip as well, and her boyfriend went on the canoeing trip. The three of us are talking about our trips.)

Friend’s Boyfriend: “Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun. I have to say, though, [My Name], I was surprised you went kayaking. I thought you would go canoeing, for sure.”

Me: “I was going to, but when the professors sent out the email asking for people to switch, I thought I could use the challenge.”

Friend’s Boyfriend: “What email?”

Friend: “You must not have seen it, but the professors sent out an email asking for people to switch out of canoeing because there were too many people signed up.”

(My friend’s boyfriend thinks for a while.)

Friend’s Boyfriend: “I didn’t get that email.”

Me: “You must have; they sent that email out to everybody. Here, I’ll pull it up on my phone.”

(I do so and hand my phone to him. He looks over it for a while before handing my phone back.)

Friend’s Boyfriend: “I seriously never got this!”

Friend: “You really need to clean out your inbox and—”

Me: “No, wait! Look at this!”

(I showed my friend the email and pointed to who the email was sent to. We were shocked to see that only the girls in the class were listed on the email. To rule out that it was not a technological mistake, we asked other boys who went on the trip. Sure enough, they had never received the email or had any idea that too many people were signed up for the course. One boy had the nerve to suggest that the professors did so because “there was no way the girls could handle the canoe trip.’ I promptly told him off, but I will forever be disappointed by the fact that the professors I admired so much probably thought the same way as that douchebag.)

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The Ghost Of Kenny Rogers Past

, , , , , , , | Related | December 29, 2017

(My dad and I love to make references. My mom never gets them, and my brother gets annoyed when he does get them. It’s Christmas and we’ve just finished opening our presents. I’m in the process of taking all of my presents downstairs, and as I’m doing so, the others are talking about gambling, as a joke, since every year we all get lottery tickets in our stockings.)

Brother: “Who gambles in this family?”

Dad: “Oh, you know, your mom, her sister…”

(He’s still talking as we both look over at Mom.)

Brother: “You gamble?”

(She shakes her head no with a smile on her face.)

Dad: “No, she’s too cheap.”

Mom: *laughs* “Didn’t have the money.”

Dad: “Yeah, she knows when to hold ’em, knows when to fold ’em…”

(I smile because I know where he’s going with this.)

Me: “Knows when to walk away? Knows when to run?”

Brother: “Oh, jeez.”

Dad: “She never counts her money when she’s sitting at the table.”

Me: “There’ll be time enough for counting when the dealing’s done!”

(My brother groaned, Dad and I laughed, and my mother just shrugged like she always does when she doesn’t get it.)

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Sizing Up To Be An Issue

, , , | Right | December 29, 2017

(I am working in a shoe store in a mall. I get this almost every time a mother and her children walk in.)

Customer: “I like this sandal for my daughter. What other colors do these come in?”

Me: “Well, we only have what is displayed on the tables, so blue, red, and white, as well as the black one you are holding.”

Customer: “All right, I will take this in my daughter’s size.”

Me: “Sure thing. What size does your daughter wear?”

(Note that we do not have a foot measure and the daughter isn’t even in the store with her.)

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Neither do I.” *laughs*

Customer: “You need to know her size?”

Me: “…”

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