(We have just gotten a new higher-up manager to oversee a few departments, including mine. He decides to pull us all aside for a while to get to know us and go over our employee files. It is important to note that I am a high-school dropout due to family medical emergencies, but this has no impact on my work performance whatsoever, and my immediate supervisors know this.)

Manager: “So, I see this is your first job, and you were initially a part-time file clerk in a different department. How exactly did you wind up managing this department a year later?”

Me: “Well, I started assisting with other help in this office, and gradually became full-time while another employee’s performance was slipping. When they replaced her, they moved me to a newly-formed department.”

Manager: “They shouldn’t have done that. You’d never had a job before. You can’t run a new department.”

Me: “Well, I was performing above expectations and was the best fit for the new position as it was created based around tasks I did. I’ve held that position and trained three new people to assist me in it, and got the bump to manager for it quickly.”

Manager: “You didn’t go to college and didn’t graduate high school. You’re not qualified.”

Me: “Well, if I were applying from outside for this position, I likely wouldn’t get it now, since it’s listed in our required qualifications. Since I proved myself after already being here, it was different. We do make exceptions for the right person, though. One of my best assistants didn’t graduate, either, and she’s more than proven herself, as well.”

Manager: “Oh, I let her go this morning. You’re right.”

Me: “I’m sorry; you let her go? Why? She’s been a fabulous employee.”

Manager: “Because you’re right; she didn’t fit the required qualifications.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that’s just not fair. She didn’t lie to us; we made an exception because she had a great customer attitude. She passed the 90-day probation with flying colors!”

Manager: “What’s done is done. She should never have been hired in the first place. Neither should you.”

(At this point he literally got up from the meeting room table and walked away, leaving me staring in astonishment. When I returned to my desk I found an email dismissing me from the company due to “being unreceptive to manager feedback during a performance review.”)

(My mom and I are about to fly from California to London to spend Christmas with some friends. It will be her first time visiting the United Kingdom.)

Mom: “Do they have gift wrapping over there? My presents aren’t wrapped.”

Me: “Did you just ask me if they have gift wrapping paper in London?! It’s the United Kingdom; they’re not cave dwellers.”

Mom: “I don’t know. British gift wrapping paper could be different.”

Me: “Actually, you know what? Yeah, you’re right. The British gift wrapping paper will only wrap properly around British produced or purchased objects.”

Mom: “Shut up!”

(My friend and I just completed a production of ‘Peter Pan.’ I was Wendy, and he played Captain Hook.)

Me: “[Friend]! This little girl came up to me and gave me a flower and said she thought I was really pretty and wanted to be nice like me when she grew up!”

Friend: “Well, that’s nice. A little girl came up to me and said that I was evil and deserved to be eaten by the crocodile.”

(I work as a service writer at a car dealership. I always check and edit the stories the mechanics write, in terms of how they addressed customer concerns or performed work, to fix typos and provide clarification as needed for the customer. One of my mechanics does solid work, but he moved frequently between countries with different languages when he was young and he is the first to admit that as a result, his written English is… not excellent. I have fixed some GREAT lines from him. Quotes are exactly as he wrote.)

Note: “clear cods and tests drive four miles. check engine light diet cam beak on.” *Cleared fault codes and road tested vehicle for four miles. Check Engine light did not recur.*

Note: “THE BATTERY IS GOD.” *The battery is good.*

Note: “NEED RUINING LIGHTS ASS REPLACED RUINING LIGHTS ASS” *Wiring internal to daytime running light assembly is defective. Replaced running light assembly.*

(Out of everyone on our team, there is one man we’re almost certain is willfully ignorant. He moved to the US when he was two years old, and at the time this story took place, he was into his early thirties. In all the thirty-some years he lived in California, he never bothered to learn anything about the culture that surrounded him. It often ended in hilarity like this story. One quiet workday, when there is only a single customer in the store, and I’m chatting with a manager, the ignorant coworker shouts across several aisles:)

Coworker: “HEY, MANAGER! WHAT EXACTLY IS A ‘DOUCHE BAG’?!”

(The manager and I stare at him in shock. He has shouted so loudly the nearby customer literally dropped what she was holding and is staring at us, also shocked.)

Manager: “Err… ah…”

Me: “Are you serious?!”

(We all burst out laughing because we didn’t know how else to handle the embarrassing situation, while the ignorant coworker stood there and was utterly confused as to what was so funny. The manager later had to take the employee to the side and tell him that next time he ought to ask his random questions quietly, when he was on his break.)