Stupid Heard You, And Stupid Answered

, , , | Right | August 29, 2019

(I’m just about finished with another day at work, with less than an hour to go, and I’m marveling to myself about the lack of stupidity today. I say goodbye to a visitor and she walks towards the doors.)

Visitor: *stands in front of the door, face inches from the glass*

Me: *blinks, watching her, at least ten seconds pass*

Visitor: *looks back over her shoulder at me, confused look on her face*

Me: “It’s… open?” *head-tilt*

Visitor: “Oh…” *very carefully pushes on the door and edges through it to get out* 

(She wasn’t a new visitor. The doors have never been automatic. I think… her brain just shut off for a moment. Seriously, though, never think that you haven’t seen many stupid people that day, because the universe will send you a reminder.)

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Unfiltered Story #160898

, | Unfiltered | August 24, 2019

[I’m sitting at the front desk, typing up the next day’s schedule for the residents. This woman comes up to the desk – her mother is a resident.]

Her: Could you send [maintenance coworker] up to my mother’s room? The toilet’s a mess.

Me: Sure, I’ll radio someone in just a moment as soon I finish this last bit here and print it.

Her: Ok. It’s probably my fault, I mean I made my famous blackberry tart and I know my mother shouldn’t eat that, but she loves it so I gave it to her anyway and then sure enough she had to…[continues on and on and on, etc.]

Me: *mumbling a response every few seconds*

Her: *still going and going and going*

Me: *eye begins twitching as I’m trying to type the last schedule entry and get it done on time which is harder the more she blabs on*

Her: You know, this cab driver is late every time I call him. He should really be on time. What if I had somewhere important to be? Maybe I shouldn’t tip him. He’s being awfully rude, blah blah blah, etc.

[we both see the cab arrive at the same time]

Her: Oh, there he is!

Me: *to self* OH THANK GOD!!! *lays head against desk and fake cries*

Coworker who’s just come around the corner: Was that [woman’s name]? Damn, she talks a lot.

Me: *more crying and headdesking*

Not Even The Beyoncé Version?

, , , , , | Working | August 22, 2019

(I work in an assisted living facility. A coworker is up near my desk on her break. There are tables near my desk and she’s sitting at one with a couple of residents. This coworker is… not the brightest bulb, to put it mildly.)

Coworker: “Can you put on Avahmarra for [Resident]?”

Me: “Put on what?”

Coworker:Avahmarra. [Coworker #2] said it’s her favorite music.”

Me: “Oh…” *thinking* “Ava… Do you mean Ave Maria?”

Coworker: “Yeah, that’s it! Is that a solo singer? Or a group?”

Me: “It’s… a song… about Mary… from Christianity? Catholicism, in particular, I think.”

Coworker: “Oh… okay… I’ve never heard of it!”

(I’m not religious, but I’ve heard of it! Since I was a kid! It’s played all the time around the holidays. Her voice the whole time — and always, for that matter — was bubbly and cheerful. She had no clue that I was gob-smacked that she had no idea whatsoever what “Ave Maria” was. Jesus Christ… No pun intended.)

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Unfiltered Story #160178

, | Unfiltered | August 21, 2019

[I’m sitting at the front desk, working on things on the computer, when a resident comes up to the desk.]
Resident: Is this Saturday’s schedule? *holds up the schedule he just picked up from the holder*
Me: …yes…*looking at the schedule that says SATURDAY in huge bold print and resisting the urge to smash my head into my keyboard*

Regular Attendee At The Church Of Irony

, , , , , | Related | August 9, 2019

(Several years ago, for Christmas, I found an old letter to Santa where I asked for my gifts to be given to people in more need than me. Moved, and knowing my family are all big givers at Christmas, whenever they ask what I want I tell them about the letter and ask them to donate to charity in my name. One night, my father-in-law drives me home after my wife leaves our family workplace early in our car, and this exchange occurs.)

Father-In-Law: “You know, [My Name], I’m glad we got this chance. I wanted to talk to you about Christmas. You know, your mother-in-law likes giving gifts at Christmas, and she is upset that you won’t tell her what you want.”

Me: “I’ve told all of you I’d like you to donate to a charity in my name.”

Father-In-Law: “Well, don’t expect that from us. She feels she has to buy everyone a gift.” *adds with a laugh* “And I just don’t believe in charity.”

(Flash forward to this Thanksgiving. He and my mother-in-law are now going through a divorce which he unilaterally announced last Thanksgiving. In order to fit in an additional dinner to our schedule, and to save us the time and money for making a Thanksgiving dinner for just him, my wife and I invite him to our church’s Thanksgiving dinner. He behaves himself well enough, but on the way home, we have this conversation:)

Father-In-Law: “It’s good for you all that you have your little community, but I don’t think I’d go again. The price you pay is too high.”

Me: *thinking, the meal was free* “What price?”

Father-In-Law: “I guess the price you people charge for that meal is making us listen to those stories about God.”

Wife: “Yes, it’s Thanksgiving, Dad. We like to share with each other what we are thankful for. We used to do that.”

Father-In-Law: “Well, I don’t think it’s right that you all feel like you have to get together in a certain place with the same people. I talk to ‘The Man Upstairs,’ as I like to call him, and he tells me that I don’t have to go to a building to communicate with him.”

Wife: “Yes, that’s true, but he does tell us not to forsake gathering together.”

Father-In-Law: “But why is that?”

Wife: “Because, like parts of a body, we rely on each other for help doing things we may not be able to do ourselves.”

Father-In-Law: “Well, that may be true, but you don’t need a church to do that. You can take care of other people just any way you want. What I think is that the church is made up of people who say they want to help each other, but in the end, it’s just the preachers that take what people give for themselves. I’d rather not deal with that. No, I’m happy to rely on myself and not darken the door of a church.”

(Flash forward to the present. My father-in-law is looking into a retirement home, and we are along to tour the facilities.)

Tour Guide: “This is our extended studio apartment option. For your budget and living situation, it’s the largest living space we’d consider.”

Father-In-Law: “Well, I don’t know about living in some studio for the price you’re charging. Don’t you have houses?”

Tour Guide: “We have one house on the property, but it is currently occupied and is usually reserved for couples.”

Father-In-Law: “Doesn’t your location in [Large Suburb of Nearby Major City] have mostly houses?”

Tour Guide: “I’m not sure. We’re a separate company. One man founded several long-term care facilities throughout the country and named them all after his favorite theologian.”

Father-In-Law: “Well, it’s funny that you do this as a business, then! Why, back in those days, people of the church would take care of the elderly as a charity!”

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