The Taliban Can Wait

, , , | Right | February 28, 2018

(I’m an aide at an assisted living facility and am scheduled to help out with life enrichment activities. I am in the middle of doing group exercise when someone comes in saying that the guy across the hall needs help and that he is yelling for somebody.)

Resident: “Help! Help! The Taliban are on their way, and I need you to help me defeat them immediately!”

Me: “No, no, [Resident]. There are no Taliban coming for us right now. Do you want to come exercise with us?”

(The resident will not stop insisting that the Taliban are here and that we are in imminent danger. He keeps begging for my help to defeat them.)

Me: “Can it wait fifteen minutes, so we can finish exercising?”

Resident: “Oh, sure. Go ahead.”

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The Customer Is Always Night

, , , | Right | February 9, 2018

(I work the front desk at a senior living facility. I am working the evening shift when a resident comes up to me. There are six managers that cover different departments in our building.)

Resident: “Who’s in charge today?”

Me: “[Manager], but she’s gone home for the day.”

Resident: “Who’s here, then?”

Me: “All the managers have left for the day, ma’am.”

Resident: “Left?! Why did they leave?”

Me: “They went home.”

Resident: “Why did they leave so early?”

Me: “It’s 6:30 at night.”

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Time To Retire Her File

, , , | Healthy | February 6, 2018

(I am in the retirement home where my mother has spent her last years, doing some paperwork with the clerk. A nurse comes into the office, and the clerk introduces me:)

Clerk: “Meet Mrs. [My Name]’s daughter.”

Nurse: *very cheerily* “Oh, yes! Mrs. [My Name] is doing great; no problems!”

Me: “No doubt about it! She was cremated yesterday.”

(The nurse slunk away silently.)

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Dogs Are The Best Drugs

, , , , , | Friendly | November 23, 2017

(I volunteer with my dog at a rest home. We go around all the rooms and common areas interacting with the residents, especially those who love dogs. Because it’s a rest home, the residents are elderly and often ill; I am getting used to old friends passing away and new ones coming in. As I’m nearing the end of a corridor, a lady is standing in her doorway. We haven’t met her before.)

Resident: “Is that a drug dog? Are you here looking for drugs?”

Me: *jokingly* “No, why? Have you got some?”

Resident: *big, deep sigh* “Only the ones they give me, sadly.”

(Later in that same visit I accidentally walked in on two of the residents canoodling. I left that day reminded that age is no indicator of mischievousness!)

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Too Much Plate On Your Plate

, , , , | Working | October 3, 2017

(I work in the dining room of an assisted living home as a waitress. My manager is a super great guy who trusts his employees and is usually laid back. This all changes whenever he has to work the line though, which is fortunately a rare occurrence. One night the head chef calls out sick, so the manager works the line. He comes by me, carrying a stack of 20 incredibly heavy plates.)

Me: “Whoa! Hey, those are really heavy. You should probably limit yourself to ten at a time, at most.”

Manager: “They are not that heavy, and I’m out of plates. I need as many as possible! This saves me time!”

Supervisor: “[My Name] is right; you—”

Manager: “Just because you two have trouble lifting things doesn’t mean the plates are heavy! Now grab your dishes and go!”

(My supervisor and I share a look, but we both silently decide to drop it. We grab our plates from the line and drop them off at the tables. As I’m walking back, I hear an enormous crash and I run back to see what happened. The entire kitchen floor is covered in shattered pieces of ceramic. My manager is standing in the middle of it, staring down at the broken ceramic, completely flabbergasted. My supervisor rushes in behind me.)

Supervisor: “What happened?”

Manager: *sheepishly* “The plates fell…”

Supervisor: “How many were you carrying?”

Manager: *looking like he wishes he could disappear* “Twenty…”

Supervisor: *sighs* “[Coworker], go grab the brush and dustpan, and clean this up. [My Name], go get [Manager] some plates from [Dishwasher]. [Manager], go back to the line and don’t leave until service is over.”

Manager: *muttering while sulking off* “But the plates aren’t that heavy…”

(He wasn’t allowed to carry plates after that.)

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