I work in a very large and very wild national park in the northern USA. I work near a visitor’s center close to a collection of tourist hotspots.

Guest: “So, how does this work? Is there like, a tour?”

Me: “We don’t provide guided tours, but we have lots of trail maps and recommended paths for all types of accessibility.”

Guest: “Oh… So, I need to walk?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Guest: “I can’t just like… have it all come to me?”

Me: “Are you literally asking for the mountain to come to you?”

Guest: “…”

Me: “No, ma’am, you need to walk.”

Guest: “Oh, then this isn’t for me.”

She returned to her car and drove off. Total visit time: five minutes.

I work for the Michigan government. You might recall we had a recent bit of a scare with a plot to kidnap our governor.

I do not work in a particularly high security building. Still, the building has some security features and everyone is a bit on edge, as a reminder with the whole governor kidnapping thing.

It’s a chilly day. I’m working at my desk when I hear a tapping at the windows. I glanced up and saw someone in a very concealing coat staring at an empty desk and tapping at the window.

I screamed and dove under the desk, then called security from under the desk.

Security came around outside and tackled the person… revealing my coworker who sat at that desk. he had left his keycard inside at his desk and was trying to signal to me to get it for him.

I think he got written up for it, he was very cold to me after and eventually got transferred to another department. I was very embarrassed about the whole affair, but even if I had understood what was going on, I would not have given him the key. it would be breaking policy.

I have some… memory issues. I am very good at retaining information, but events as they are happening, not so much. What this means is that I can recite long poems I had to study in Literature classes without hesitating, explain the symbolism of many flowers because I read a rather fascinating book on it years ago, or recount the history of the textile industry in my hometown almost exactly the way I learned about it in school, but don’t bother asking me what I ate for dinner two days ago. I also frequently forget where I’ve put things, what I was doing when my thought process was interrupted, and stuff like that.

I deal with this to the best of my abilities. I use not only the calendar app on my phone for reminders, but also a paper day planner AND a wall-mounted calendar, so I don’t forget appointments, birthdays, or when essays and such are due. I set a daily alarm so I don’t forget to take my medication. (Though, I still forget sometimes when the alarm goes off while I’m in the middle of something.) I make grocery lists so I don’t get back from the store only to realise I’ve forgotten something crucial… and sometimes I reach the store only to realise I’ve forgotten to take the grocery list with me).

And I am used to triple-checking things, like if I have everything I need before leaving the house, or if I’ve got the right time and place for an appointment. I still end up forgetting things on a regular basis, but I always thought it wasn’t all that noticeable to other people. Wrong!

One day, I arrive at the university I attend for a seminar. I enter the classroom as usual with everyone else, find a seat, and go to take the stuff I need for class out of my bag.

Me: *Resigned* “Aww, darn it.”

Classmate: “What is it?”

Me: “Forgot my textbook.”

I want to add that I was sure I’d put it into my bag last night, but the teacher, who I’ve had for a few different subjects over the last three years, breaks into the conversation in a matter-of-fact tone.

Teacher: “If I got a bottle of wine for every time you forgot something, [My Name], I would have a very well-stocked cellar.”

Me: “I swear I’m not doing it on purpose, sir!”

At the next seminar, I remembered to bring my textbook… but I left my water bottle on the kitchen counter.

Let’s face it: I’m hopeless!

(This happened many years ago when my great-grandmother was applying for US Citizenship. She came to the country from Latvia in 1910 and by the time this story takes place, was rather old. Her son, my grandfather, was a lawyer and took her to the courthouse to meet with the judge. The judge asked her questions about the material she learned and finally got to the last one.)

Judge: What are the three branches of government?

Great-grandmother: Executive, legislative, and, uh, uh, JUDAISM!!

Judge: Close enough, congratulations! I’ll stamp your citizenship papers on one condition. Do you know how to make blintzes?

Great-grandmother: Yes, of course.

Judge: Can you give me tips on how to make them so they don’t fall apart. My wife would be so grateful.

I’ve just had surgery. A nice volunteer takes my wheelchair and wheels me to the car where my mom is waiting. My mom and I have a brief conversation. Then, we turn back to the volunteer and I try to get his attention. The volunteer stops me before I can say anything.

Volunteer: “No, I’m sorry. I appreciate it, but we’re not allowed to take tips.”

Me: “Um… I was actually going to say that I left some paperwork back in the recovery room, and I needed your help to retrieve it.”

Volunteer: “Oh.”