Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want to know why I received a late fee on my statement?”

Me: “Let me check for you… I do apologize, sir. Your payment was received fifteen days after the due date, which caused the fee.”

Customer: “I see. Can you remove it?”

Me: “Unfortunately, no. You have had three removed this year already. This fee will not be removed.”

Customer: “What do you mean you won’t remove the f****** fee?! I always pay on time!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “What, are you stupid? Your god-d*** mother not educate you? Are you some kind of bank Nazi? Remove my fee!”

Me: “As I stated, this fee is valid and will not be removed.”

(This went on for about four to five minutes, his requests heavily sprinkled with profanity and insults.)

Customer: “Fine, you know what? You can take this g0d-d*** mo****-f****** Visa card and shove it up your god-d*** mo****-fu***** a**!”

Me: “Sorry, sir. My a** only accepts American Express.” *click*

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. May I please have your 16-digit account number?”

Customer: “I can’t.”

Me: “That’s fine. May I please have your Social Security number so I’m able to find you?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I need my balance right now!”

Me: “Okay, I can help you with that, but I need to be able to look you up in the computer. Do you have your account number or your Social Security number?”

Customer: “I’m on a cell phone. I can’t give you that; it’s not SECURE!”

Me: “Umm… okay? Would you like to call us back on a land-line so that your call is more ‘secure’?”

Customer: “I’m busy! Can’t you just give me my balance?”

Me: “I can as soon as I’m able to look you up in the computer. How would you like me to do that?”

Customer: “I’m not going to do your job for you! Now tell me my balance!”

(At this point, I’ve had enough.)

Me: “Okay, sir. Do you have your credit card with you?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Can you please take it out of your wallet and hold it above your head?”

Customer: “Okay, I’m doing that.”

Me: “Thank you, may I please put you on hold while I contact NASA to move the satellite to your location and send us a picture?”

Customer: “Okay, just don’t take too long about it!”

(I place the customer on hold and go on break. Surprisingly, he’s still there when I get back.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we were unable to read the picture. Did you move at all?”

Customer: “Yeah, I put it back in my wallet.”

Me: “Okay, that’s the problem. Could you please just read it to me so I can look up your balance?”

Customer: “NO, I TOLD YOU I’M ON A CELL PHONE AND IN A HURRY!” *customer hangs up*

(My boss didn’t know if I should be fired or given an award.)

This story is part of our Identity Theft roundup!

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(We have a female customer who is a regular but definitely has some kind of mental issues. On every visit to our branch she also uses the safe deposit box.)

Customer: “Excuse me, there’s something wrong with my safe deposit box.”

Me: “Oh, I’m terribly sorry, ma’am. What is the problem so we can rectify it for you?”

Customer: “Every time I visit my safe deposit box I find things that I never put there. Someone has been taking things in and out of my box!”

Me: “I assure you that this is not possible because every box requires two keys in order to open. You have one side and the bank retains the other. Only you have the issued keys.”

Customer: “I know you are lying. I know you have a key that opens every box because one time a friend of mine gave me a key to the city and I went around opening all the doors.”

Me: “Okay… I’m going to have to refer you to my manager.”

This story is part of the Customers-Who-Make-You-Say-WTF roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

12 Strange Stories About Weird, Odd, Bizarre, And Curious Customers!

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(Customer calls in asking about her balance and bank charges. Just to emphasise this conversation take place over a telephone.)

Me: “Your balance is [amount] into an unplanned overdraft but you have until 3 pm tomorrow to credit your account and you’ll avoid any charges.”

Her: “Hmmm, well I got some money but I won’t be able to get into my branch tomorrow. Can’t I just pay it in over the phone?”

Me: “From another account?”

Her: “No from the same account.”

Me: “I’m not sure I understand, the account is overdrawn. You need funds from another source.”

Her: “I know, I have some from my account.”

Me: “You mean cash?”

Her: “Yeah could I do that?”

Me: “No, you would have to go into your branch to pay that in.”

Her: “I just said I can’t make it to my branch! Why can’t you just pay this in? You’re a bank aren’t you?!”

Me: “Excuse me, but just how would you expect me to pay this money in?”

(Silence, during which I would like to imagine she is looking at the money and the phone, trying to jam it in there or something.)

Her: “But it’s from my account! Can’t you just take it off the overdraft!”

Me: “I understand what you’re saying, but unless we invent a teleporter to transfer your money directly into your account it will be impossible for me to take a cash payment.”

Her: “But I’ll be charged! If I get charges I want them refunded, this is ridiculous! I can’t understand why you can’t just put my account in credit!”

Me: *dying a little on the inside* “Me neither, me neither…”

(While performing a normal transaction…)

Bank Customer: “When is your baby due?”

Me: *smiling* “Oh, I had my baby five months ago! She’s doing wonderfully.”

Bank Customer: *waves her hand around her face in a circle* “Oh, I guess you still haven’t lost your baby fat.”

Me: “…”

This story is part of the Pregnancy Roundup!

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