Hotel Guest: “Is there a way to take the phone off the hook so that it doesn’t ring?”

Me: “Well, you could always… take the phone off the hook, so that it doesn’t ring. But, yes, I can put the phone on a do not disturb so that you won’t get any calls.”

Hotel Guest: “I want to take a half-hour nap, so I don’t want the phone to ring. But I want to be able to get calls later.”

Me: “I understand, sir, I’ll be sure not to transfer any calls to your room for the next half hour.”

Hotel Guest: “But what if one of the people in my group wants to reach me?”

Me: “Would you like me to only allow calls from inside the hotel?”

Hotel Guest: “No, I want to take a nap.”

Me: “So, you want me to make sure that you don’t get any calls for the next half hour, but if anyone calls, you want them to be able to reach you?”

Hotel Guest: *confused* “Yes.”

Me: “I understand, sir. I’ll take care of it.”

Customer: “Where are your walnuts?”

Me: “It’s over with the other nuts.”

Customer: “I didn’t see them.”

Me: “They’re next to the cashews. Trust me, when you see them, you will laugh.”

(Time passes, I finish filling my bin and wade through the Christmas crowd to check on the customer. I find her standing right in front of the walnuts. She’s clearly found them.)

Me: “You found them.”

Customer: “Yeah. I couldn’t see them because the sign was in the way.”

(Note that she’s referring to a large, 18-inch sign with three-inch-wide red letters that read WALNUTS. It was added because customers complained they couldn’t find them.)

Me: “You couldn’t see the walnuts because of the sign that said WALNUTS?”

Customer: *angry* “Yeah, that’s right!”

Me: “I… can’t help you.”

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Me: “Hi, sir, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Uhh, yeah, I need some CDs.”

Me: “Sure, we’ve got all kinds: CD-R, CD-RW, and regular music CDs.”

Customer: “Umm, I just need CDs with lots of RAM.”

Me: “RAM? CDs don’t have RAM, computers do.”

Customer: “Oh…” *turns around and ambles out of the store*

(He then comes back a month later with a MacBook.)

Customer: “Uhh, yeah… I put a Linux on it.”

Me: “That’s wonderful; you made a great choice.”

Customer: “But, like, I can’t use my Apple OSX anymore.”

Me: “Issues with Mac OSX? Okay, well. Let’s take a look.”

(I turn the laptop on, and I see that he has installed Ubuntu. I go into the GRUB loader to basically boot OSX and I find that it is no longer there.)

Me: “Sir, did you reformat your hard drive in order to install Ubuntu?”

Customer: “Uhh, I don’t know, I just followed the directions.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, it looks like you reformatted your hard drive, got rid of anything and everything you had on your MacBook, and installed Ubuntu.”

Customer: “So, can you fix it?”

Me: “You got rid of everything, including any backups you may have had. I cannot get anything back.”

Customer: “But I can get my files back, right? I only formatted my Apple, right?”

Me: “No, nothing can be done. You can either become a Linux user or, if you have restore discs, you can use those.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll talk to my brother; he can probably get all my stuff back…”

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Customer: “I’d like the halibut. Is there any way you can make that vegan?”

Me: “Other than by making it not be a fish, no.”

Customer: “Good point.”

(I’m part of a small animation company. One project, in particular, is assigned to me alone, forcing me to deal with two customers. This is a specification nightmare waiting to happen, but I still accept it. This happens at a meeting relatively far along, with work close to being finished.)

Me: “So, that’s the current state. I still have to add in details, but that’s not an issue within the deadline.”

Customer #1: “Looks great to me already. Looking forward to the final product… Just one gripe.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer #1: “The animation runs too slowly.”

(I’m confused, as I made it pretty fast already. [Customer #2] pipes up.)

Customer #2: “What? No! It is way too fast!”

(I try to interrupt the beginning squabble, but am not successful. The two customers squabble for a full fifteen minutes whether it is too slow or too fast.)

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer #1 & #2: *still squabbling*

Me: “Excuse me! I’ve got another meeting in fifteen, so may I make a suggestion?”

Customer 1 & 2: *simultaneously* “Yes?”

Me: “How about we compromise and leave the speed as it is?”

(The looks the two of them exchanged were golden, as if that thought had never crossed their mind. It’s one of those rare cases I got it my way…)

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