(I’m working at the cigarette counter. I wear glasses.)

Me: “How can I help you today?”

(Customer is clearly not from this country and speaks in broken English with a thick accent.)

Customer: “Glasses!” *points at my face* “Glasses!”

Me: “You like my glasses?”

Customer: “No glasses. No glasses!”

Me: “You don’t like my glasses.”

Customer: “Not you. No glasses.”

Me: “Not me? No glasses? You want someone without glasses?”

Customer: “Yes. No glasses!”

(I look over at another cashier and a nearby register who heard everything and have her switch with me. Meanwhile, everyone around us is cracking up laughing.)

(I swear this lady was high as a kite… She had this crazed-out look and talked in this very airy voice. She comes up to register with a large pile of towels and turns to the lady checking out beside her.)

Customer: “Wow! I love your purse! It would go with my shiny blue shoes, and my black jacket, and those cute Capri pants in my closet!”

Other Customer: “Uh… thanks?”

Customer: *turns to me* “You know, I have to keep changing the bathroom colors. I like the spring colors, but you know, Angel keeps peeling the paint off of the wall behind the toilet so I keep telling her Uncle Rico is going to have to repaint the bathroom if she keeps doing that…”

Me: “Okay… well, I hope you enjoy your towels.” *hands her the receipt* “Thank you and have a nice day.”

Customer: *eyes grow wide as she sprawls the receipt out* “WOW! This receipt is so… LONG! It’s so… BIG! And there are so many ITEMS on it!”

(She continued to stand at my register fawning over the length of the receipt for a good five minutes before she left.)

This story is part of the Peculiar Customers roundup!

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Customer: “This movie is in German. I want a different one.”

(It was “The Lives of Others,” which won Best Foreign Film at the Oscars–which was stated on the box in big letters.)

Me: “I can’t give you another movie, because it was subtitled. Plus, it says it on the box in two places.”

Customer: “But I don’t speak German.”

Me: “Neither do I.”

Customer: “Why do they make movies in German in America?”

Me: “Because it was made by German people.”

This story is part of the Refusing To Read roundup!

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(My first day on the job at a Halloween shop, my manager decides that we aren’t getting enough business and proceeds to hand me a plastic pitchfork, wrap a feather boa around my neck, and shove me out onto a street corner in the ghetto with a sign.)

People: *in a passing car* “SATANIST B***H!” *throws ketchup packets at me*

(A short time later, a white car driven by an older man pulls up.)

Older Man: “Miss?”

Me: *walks over* “Yes?”

Older Man: “How much?”

Me: “…excuse me?”

Older Man: “Well, I don’t usually go for the satanic-looking type. I guess you could get out of all that black…”

Me: “What the… oh…” *I start laughing hysterically*

Older Man: “What? You aren’t?”

Me: *I point up towards the store* “Mister, I work for the Halloween shop…”

Older Man: “Oh, when do you open?”

Me: “I don’t. The store is open now, though.”

(The older man blushed and sped away. After that, I picked up my sign, went back to the store, and told my manager that I refused to do that ever again.)

This story is part of the Crazy-First-Day roundup!

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Me: “We’re going to take you to the hospital.”

Patient: “NO! I don’t wanna go there! They’ll arrest me!”

State Trooper: “Did you do anything wrong?”

Patient: “NO! I don’t wanna go to the hospital!”

Me: “Well, you’re pretty banged up. We have to take you for your own good.”

Patient: “NO! The Chinese lady is gonna stick an AIDS needle in my a**!”

Me: “There are no Chinese ladies at this hospital.”

Patient: “I’m scared! Last time I went to the hospital the Chinese lady stuck an AIDS needle in my a** and I bled out of my a**!”

Me: “Don’t worry; we won’t let any Chinese ladies near you.”

(We get to the hospital.)

Me: *to my partner* “Oh, my God, his nurse is Chinese.”

Patient: *as we walk away* “STAY AWAY!”