Old Woman: “Excuse me, sir, I need some batteries.”
Me: “Of course. What kind do you need?”
Old Woman: “I… I’m not sure.”
Me: “Not a problem. What do you need the batteries for? I might be able to match them up to the product.”
Old Woman: “…I need them for my ghetto blaster.”
(I’m a flight attendant doing my pre-takeoff check-in the cabin. A man stops me and gestures to the small digital camera sitting in the seat next to him.)
Passenger: “Is it okay if my camera is here for the flight?”
Me: “Sure, sir. That will be fine.”
Passenger: “But shouldn’t I put it in the overhead bin?”
Me: “It should be fine there, but if you’re worried about it falling on the floor during landing you could put it in the overhead bin.”
Passenger: “But after takeoff, won’t it start floating around the cabin?”
Me: “Well, sir, just hold on to it. Once we slingshot around the moon, it will be fine.”
This story is part of our Space roundup!
Read the next Space roundup story!
Read the Space roundup!
(I have three tables of teenagers. Everyone seems to understand that this restaurant is themed. We don’t let people use forks, knives, or spoons. You use your hands, end of story.)
Male Customer: “My friend here wants to know how she eats the soup.”
(I look to his friend and sigh to myself.)
Me: “You grab the handle of the bowl, bring it to your mouth, and then sip. Use two hands if it’s too heavy.”
Female Customer: “Okay.”
(She lifts the bowl to her face, but instead of just going for a sip, she turns her head in on it so her nose ends up going in the soup. She flips.)
Female Customer: “Are you s***ting me?! This is bulls***! I shouldn’t have to eat like this! It’s so… so–”
Me: “Medieval.”
(Her friends snicker.)
Female Customer: “Yeah, it is! And I think it’s unfair that I don’t get any utensils! Are you sure I can’t get a fork for my soup?”
Me: “Wait a second; did you just say, ‘fork’? I’m not sure about you, but usually, a spoon works better for me. Also, they don’t exist here.”
(Everyone laughs at her.)
Female Customer: “Fine, fine, I’ll eat with my hands, I guess. If you ask me, it’s just stupid.”
Me: “It’s a part of the experience.”
Female Customer: “But maybe I don’t want the experience!”
(And it’s moments like that, and many others, that make me wonder why anyone would waste 80 bucks for a themed restaurant and not want the experience.)
This story is part of our Soup roundup!
Read the next Soup roundup story!
Read the Soup roundup!
(I was working checkout, in the express lane (15 items or less). A lady with a very full trolley comes up.)
Lady: “Hi! Is this an express lane?”
Me: “Yep. You might want to go through another–”
Lady: *starts unloading stuff* “Good. I’m in a hurry.”
Me: “?!”
(It was literally three minutes before closing time, and someone called us.)
Drunk Customer: “Ehhhhhh hello?”
Me: “Sir, we are at closing time.”
Drunk Customer: “Oh… well, can I have a large cheese pizza and a cheeseburger?”
Me: “Sir, it is closing time. We’re done for the day. And we don’t serve burgers.”
Drunk Customer: “Okay, can you just… uuuhhhhh… make me a pizza really fast then?”
Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but we’re closing.”
Drunk Customer: “COME ON! IT’S 10 PM, I’M HUNGRY, AND ALL I WANT IS A PIZZA!”
Me: “Sir, it’s 10:01. We are closed.”
Drunk Customer: *unusually calm* “Okay… I’ll go to McDonald’s.”
Me: “Good night, sir.”
Drunk Customer: “Good night… I love you…” *hangs up*
(Quite frankly, it made my day.)
