(A lady wants to make a credit card payment with a temporary check, which is not accepted at the store I work at. It goes all the way up to the top manager in the store and the exchange of words is glorious:)

Manager: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, this lady told me you can’t accept temporary checks?”

Manager: “Yes, ma’am. Unfortunately in the past we’ve had trouble cashing those checks. It’s nothing against you personally, but based on past problems we can’t accept temporary checks.”

Customer: “So let me get this straight? You treat everyone exactly the same way?”

Manager: “Uh… yes.”

Customer: “Well, if this place isn’t run by a bunch of stupid liberals!”

(I work in a coffee place that has “special” names for their sizes. Since no one can ever get them right, I just started saying small, medium, and large to make it easier.)

Customer: “I’ll have a vanilla latte, please.”

Me: “Sure. Would you like the large?”

Customer: “Yeah. That’s the small, right?”

(Our new drugstore is assigned a phone number that had previously belonged to the animal shelter. We ALWAYS answer the phone with our store name and hours, but people don’t always listen. This becomes annoying, but one of my coworkers likes to have fun with it.)

Caller: “Uh, yeah. I have this raccoon in my backyard.”

Coworker: “Hmm… that’s nice.”

Caller: “Yeah, well it seems to be acting strangely… like it’s crazy.”

Coworker: “What do you want me to do about it?”

Caller: “Well, you should do your job and come out and get rid of it! Isn’t that why I pay my taxes?”

Coworker: “Okay, then. Give me your address.”

Caller: *gives out address*

Coworker: “All right, after I close the drugstore I’ll be over with my shotgun around midnight. There will be a loud noise, so warn your neighbors. Since I don’t work for your taxes, just tape a $20 bill inside your mailbox, more if you want a fancy burial. Have a nice day!” *click*

(A man has been waiting for a table at a full restaurant for fifteen minutes. A family of four walks in with reservations and is immediately seated. The man approaches the hostess.)

Man: “I’ve been waiting here for fifteen minutes. Why were they seated before me?”

Hostess: “I’m sorry, sir, but they called to reserve a table.”

Man: “What, just because they called they get a table right when they come in?”

Hostess: “Yes, sir, they called ahead to reserve a table.”

Man: “Well, that’s dumb! So if I go outside and call can I come back in and get a table right now?”

Hostess: “No, sir, I’m sorry, but we require at least a couple hours notice for reservations.”

Man: “Well that’s God-d*** stupid! So he calls and gets a table right away, but I can’t call and get a table? What the h*** is wrong with this place?”

*man storms out*

This story is part of the Impatient Customers roundup!

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(I was helping out a fellow co-worker by serving about three people at of her tables some decaf. At this point, the pitcher was half full.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can get for you?”

(The customer takes a sip of the decaf, makes a face, and SPITS IT OUT all over the table.)

Old Man: “Excuse me!”

Me: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

Old Man: “You’re almost out of coffee. Do you know what this means?”

Me: “…that I have to make another pot?”

Old Man: “I taste coffee bean residue in here. I require that you give me another pitcher.”

Me: “No problem, sir…”

(I go and fetch the other decaf pitcher, which is also half full.)

Me: “Will this one do, sir?”

Old Man: “What is with you people trying to give me the bottom of the pitcher? I’M NOT A BOTTOM MAN!”

(I immediately ran back to the kitchen and laughed for about 10 minutes.)