Me: “Welcome to [Magazine]. How can I help you?

Customer: “Hi, we just got a bill for an ad in your fall issue and I thought we had already paid and our contract was over.”

Me: “Let me get the insertion order.”

(I get the order.)

Me: “It says here you’ve signed up for a full-year contract, including our fall and winter issues.”

Customer: “But we’re not even open in the fall or the winter.”

Me: “But you signed for the contract.”

Customer: “Well, I didn’t read what I was signing…”

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Regular: “Hey, I have a question.”

Me: “Okay, what can I help you with.”

Regular: “Do y’all have homeless people come in here often?”

(Indicates couple reading newspaper in the corner. I can’t see their faces.)

Me: “Umm, no. Why?”

Regular: “Oh, they just came in sat down like they wanted no one to see them and took your newspaper.”

Me: “Well I can’t ask them to leave unless they are bothering you. Do you want me to ask them for the newspaper? I can since they aren’t paying cust–”

Regular: “Oh no, I was just wondering if homeless people came in here often.”

(I look back to the corner again and I can see their faces now.)

Me: “Um, sir, those are my parents.”

(He did not come back for about six months.)

(I am working in the pet department, refilling betta containers, dressed in company attire and name tag clearly displayed.)

Customer: “Do you work here?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I do. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “I was standing here for ten minutes, waiting for someone to help me.”

Me: “Oh, well, I have been here for the last twenty minutes.”

Customer: “Could you help me find this [Competitor’s Brand] cat food?”

Me: “I am sorry, ma’am, we do not sell that brand here.”

Customer: “DO NOT TELL ME THAT! I WAS JUST HERE LAST WEEK AND BOUGHT IT! I KNOW YOU SELL IT!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t.”

Customer: “FINE! THEN PROVE IT!”

(I turn to the back of the can and read it.)

Me: “‘Marketed and sold by [Competitor].’ Anything else I can help you with?”

(The customer turned and walked away. I just smiled.)

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(This is from a few years ago, when I worked tech support for a major satellite TV company.)

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Is your satellite down?”

Me: “No sir, the satellite is working properly.”

Customer: “Are you sure? Because I’m not getting ANYTHING on my TV.”

Me: “Well, let’s try and get this solved for you. What do you see on the screen?”

Customer: “It’s black.”

Me: “There’s nothing at all on the screen?”

Customer: “I told you, it’s completely black!”

Me: “Is… is there a message of any kind?”

Customer: “Yeah, it says ‘searching for satellite signal’. That’s how I know your satellite is down. You need to connect me to a different one.”

Me: “Well, sir, just in case it’s possibly something else and not the satellite, could you tell me who installed your equipment? Did you pay for an installer or did you do it yourself?”

Customer: “I did it myself! I’m not an idiot. I took the box out of the package and connected it to my TV and DVD player and stereo just fine. I know how to connect a few wires…”

Me: “Okay, maybe there’s something blocking the dish, like a tree or perhaps a neighbors house. Where did you mount the dish?”

Customer: “Dish? The bowl thing? It’s still in the box. Look, just connect me to your other satellite already!”

Me: “…”

Me: “911, is this an emergency?”

Caller, screaming: “I have been trying to call you on the CB radio for an hour!”

Me: “We don’t monitor CB radio, do you have an emergency?”

Caller: “Of course you have CB radio, I see the cops talking on them all of the time!”

Me: “Those are police radios; they operate on a different radio frequency band. Do you have an emergency?”

Caller: “F*** you! F***ing lazy b*****d, this lady’s house is burning to the ground while you watch Showtime and ignore the CB!”

Me: “What is your location, sir?”

Caller: “I am–”

(At this time I hear a large BANG and the phone drops. A few moments later the man picks up the phone and tells me that his truck was fully involved and that was his tires exploding. He had parked his truck at the door of the house to load belongings while he tried to call on his CB. Both the house and truck were a total loss.)