(I’m chatting with my best mate and his girlfriend. His girlfriend notes that she hasn’t seen me for a while and we’re working out what happened over the past few months to stop us from meeting up. Note that my girlfriend broke up with me a few weeks previously.)

Me: “I think we were gonna do the couples board games night, but…”

Mate: “I was busy for, like, the whole month. I thought you’d think we were trying to avoid you.”

Me: “Oh, yeah. And then I got busy.”

Mate: “And we went on holiday.”

Me: “And then [Ex-Girlfriend] and I started having problems and I thought, probably best not to throw the board games night into the mix in case it got awkward.”

Mate: “What? You mean you didn’t think, ‘I know what will fix my dying relationship – a nice game of Monopoly’? I mean, nobody’s ever argued over that.”

Me: “Yeah, shocking, that. What was I thinking…”

(My husband is in Washington on business. He doesn’t really get the whole time zones thing, so ends up messaging me and the group chat we are all in at really odd times. I am woken up by a stream of messages he sends us, which are song lyrics.)

Me: “Why are you sending us lyrics?”

Husband: “I’m watching A Christmas Carol!”

Me: “Why? It’s July…”

Husband: “Because this hotel only has p*rn and this one movie!”

Me: “Then, please watch the p*rn and let me SLEEP!”

Husband: “I don’t think you want me watching this p*rn.”

Me: “Why?”

Husband: “It’s all gay. Like, literally every single one.”

Me: “So, there’s a hotel, in Washington, that exclusively provides gay p*rn? What is [Company] thinking?”

Husband: “Maybe they think I’m unfaithful, or gay?”

Me: “Well, good luck with that!”

(I turn back over and start drifting off. My phone goes off once more and I decide just to check it.)

Brother: *who is gay* “Name and address, please! This hotel sounds hot.”

(Muted for the first time ever, the phone was thrown into the hallway.)

Patron: “Do you have any non-dairy ice cream?”

Me: “Yes, we do. At the bottom.”

Patron: “Why are they all the way down there? It makes you look anti-vegan.”

Me: “Because that’s where our desserts are…”

(I am filling my car up at a local petrol station. This station is completely self service, and uses the card payments only. I see another car pull up. It’s quite an expensive make and model. A woman gets out and stares at the machine for the entire time I fill up. She then turns and walks over to me.)

Woman: “Are you the attendant?”

Me: “No, just a customer.”

Woman: “Fill my car. I also need it washed and valeted.”

Me: “No.”

Woman: “EXCUSE ME!?”

Me: “I said no. I don’t work here.”

Woman: “I don’t care. There is always an attendant present, and since you’re present, then it is your duty to fulfil that responsibility.”

Me: “The answer is still no.”

(She pouts at and turns for a moment. When she turns back she has readjusted her top to show considerably more cleavage.)

Woman: “Won’t you reconsider? I’ll let you play with these.”

Me: “Not even if I was straight.”

(I took my receipt and got in my car. I heard her scream homophobic slurs before stomping back to the machine. I drove away and saw her start kicking the entire pump. I went back a week later, and it was out of order, with the card reader and display heavily vandalised.)

(I and my mum have just watched a rerun of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (for the book’s 20th anniversary) at the cinema. This is her first time seeing it.)

Me: “What did you make of it?”

Mum: “It was good. A bit childish, but fun.”

Me: “Did you like any character in particular?”

Mum: “No, but I didn’t like that ginger family. They looked scruffy and poor.”

Me: “Well, they sort of are. There’s a reason for it, though. They’re probably the most moral characters in the series.”

Mum: “Well, they still looked bad. Harry should’ve gone with the blonde boy.”

Me: “After seeing the entire film, you think she should have been friends with Draco?”

Mum: “You can’t judge a book by its cover, [My Name]. He might be a very nice boy in the end.”

(She didn’t see the irony.)