(I working in a call centre, dealing with cancellations.)

Me: “Hi, you’re through to [Company], speaking with [My Name]. How can I help?”

Customer: “It won’t let me cancel online; I had to call. Why do I have to call? It’s ridiculous. We are in a digital age!”

Me: “We ask our customers to call to resolve any problems you may be having, and to get feedback on our service. Let me look into this for you.”

(I take their details and chat with them about their usage.)

Me: “You know, I can give you this great discount of [amount] if you feel you could benefit from continuing at the moment?”

Customer: “I wouldn’t have cancelled if you had a way of cancelling online; since you don’t, there’s no way I’m staying.”

Me: “Well, that’s not true, is it? The first thing you said to me was that you were trying to cancel online prior to your call.”

Customer: *goes quiet* “Just cancel it.”

Me: “That’s done. Have a nice day.”

(An insurance company has been phoning me repeatedly, claiming that their system shows I was in a car accident.)

Cold Caller: “Hello. Our records show you were involved in an accident that wasn’t your fault.”

Me: “That’s where you’re wrong. You see, it wasn’t an accident. That b****** had it coming to him!”

Cold Caller: *hangs up*

(They never phoned again.)

Related:
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 32
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 31
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 30

(A customer comes up to my till and drops four items onto the belt. I recognise them as being in a “Buy two, get the third free” offer. Already, I know what he is trying to do.)

Customer: “I’m buying those two and it gets me that one free, and because I’ve got that one and that one, I get the other one free, too, right?”

Me: “No, sir. The offer is that you have to buy two to get the third free.”

Customer: “I am, and because I get that third one, I can add it to one of those and get the last one free, too.”

Me: “No, sir, it has to be two separate groups of three items; we don’t allow you to overlap and use the same item twice.”

Customer: “Why not?! You’re just trying to get more money out of me!”

Me: “Well… Yes, sir. We’re a shop. That’s what we do.”

Customer: “I’ve been ringing your call center on 0900 2000 for two days and can’t get through to enquiries. Can you help?”

Operator: “Where did you get that number from, sir?”

Customer: “It was on the door to the spa in Darlington.”

Operator: “Sir, they are our opening hours.”

(We’re a trade-oriented store, so we do not sell many paints. What we do, I’ve come to learn rather well.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you sell [Masonry Paint Brand]?”

Me: “We sure do; in fact, there’s a stack on display on the shop floor with all the SKUs we have.”

(I lead him to it, and show him the ones we have.)

Customer: “I don’t want ‘ultra smooth,’ I want ‘smooth.'”

Me: “We don’t have one labelled ‘smooth,’ just ‘ultra smooth’ and ‘fine textured,’ which effectively has sand mixed into it.”

Customer: “I need ‘smooth.’ ‘Ultra smooth’ is too thin!”

Me: “Sir! I am telling you that we do not carry a [Brand] marked as ‘smooth,’ just ‘ultra smooth’ or ‘fine textured.'”

(This goes back and forth four more times, with me showing on our website. He goes off to our competitor, and I go and get a drink, when I realise something. About ten minutes later, he comes back.)

Customer: “Your competitor is not only clueless, but he is demanding much more for the same thing. It’s not what I want, but I’ll take the ‘ultra smooth’ in white.”

Me: “Sir, I’ve been thinking about it, and if you want something to last, thinner paint can ultimately prove better.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “The problem with thicker paint is that air bubbles can be trapped inside it. If it dries with these bubbles in, you get a weaker finish structurally than a solid mass, just like with plaster inside your home.”

Customer: “You are a clever girl!”

(He was much happier about the “ultra smooth” after that.)