The Lion, The Witch, And The Tannenbaum

, , , , | Learning | April 10, 2013

(I’m a substitute teacher, and as long as the students get their work done, I’m pretty laid back. I also use some pop culture references to get a laugh out of students when I’m in a new class.)

Me: “If you want to work in pairs, that’s fine, as long as you’re working diligently. Just keep the noise level conversational and don’t go wandering around the classroom. So, if you’re sitting up front and your friend is all the way in the back in Narnia, you can’t go visit them.”

Student: “I wanna go to Narnia!”

Me: “Well, there’s no wardrobe in here. Sorry.”

Student: “There’s a closet!”

Me: “It’s not the same as a wardrobe.”

Student: “I’m gonna try!” *gets up and runs to the closet*

Me: “Excuse me! Take a seat right now!”

Student: *opens closet and steps inside* “Oh, my God!”

Me: “Please sit down or you’re going to the disciplinary office.”

Student: “There really is a Narnia in here!”

(By this point, I’d made it to the closet on the other side of the classroom. To my surprise, there was a fake Christmas tree, complete with fake snow, inside of the closet. I guess closets can get you to Narnia!)


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OH-nly If You Wis-H2 Deto-Na-te

, , , , | Learning | April 8, 2013

(We are locating elements on the periodic table in my chemistry class. Note that sodium in its pure elemental form is toxic and combusts in contact with water, and is not to be confused with sodium chloride, AKA common table salt.)

Classmate: “Sodium? Is that the sodium that’s on like, a nutrition label?”

Me: “Not quite.”

Classmate: “So, like, can you eat it?”

Me: *smirking* “Yes. Once.”

(The teacher snorts when she overhears this.)

Classmate: “I don’t get it!”


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It Was A Stache-steroid

, , , | Learning | April 8, 2013

Teacher: “What happened sixty-five million years ago?”

Student #1: “The dinosaurs died.”

Teacher: “And why did the dinosaurs die?”

Student #2: “Chuck Norris.”


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The Smoker Of Two Evils

, , , , , | Learning | April 4, 2013

(The art project for year-eight students at my school is to create a collage out of sweet wrappers. This exchange takes place between my colleague and a particularly troublesome student.)

Teacher: “Have you got your homework for me yet?”

Student: “Yes, sir, but it’s different to what you asked us to do.”

Teacher: “Why? You’ve had long enough to do it, and it’s late. What have you got for me?”

Student: “My mum said I’m not allowed to use sweet wrappers because sweets are bad for you.”

Teacher: “So what did you use instead?”

Student: “Cigarette cartons.”


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A Bit Young To Be So Off-Color

, , , | Right | December 14, 2011

(I am a kindergarten teacher, and I’m meeting a student for the first time.)

Me: “What is your favorite color?”

Five-Year-Old: “Stool.”

Me: “Let’s try that again…”


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