(My wife works for a bakery and I help out sometimes. The recipe sheets are starting to look messy with all the changes written on them, and some of the steps aren’t in order. I decide to retype them with the changes and email them to the owner to print. The next day I walk into the bakery and the owner hands me the stack of recipes.)

Owner: “My husband made a few small changes.”

Me: *internally* “Oh, no… No, he can’t be that stupid.”

(He was that stupid. Her husband knew nothing about baking. One of his “changes” was replacing every instance of buttermilk with regular milk. He also reordered the list of ingredients, which I had put in the order they needed to be added to the batter.)

(I am working the floor, helping a customer. I am talking with a customer when I hear shouting behind me. Sadly, people yelling at children is not unusual so I ignore it and try to help the woman I’m with. After a couple of moments, the customer I am with tells me:)

Customer #1: “I think that a**hole is trying to get your attention.”

(I turn around.)

Customer #2: *standing next to the washroom door* “YOU! ABOUT F****** TIME! OPEN THE S***TER!”

Customer #1: “Help that a**hole; I can wait.”

(I walk towards the washroom.)

Customer #2: “You should be paying attention; I was calling you for twenty minutes.”

Me: “My apologies, sir, I was helping a customer, and normally, when someone needs the washroom, they either go to the front and ask for assistance or walk up to an associate. Polite people don’t yell, ‘You!’ across the store.”

Customer #2: “Why not?”

Me: *now annoyed* “Because a ‘ewe’ is a female sheep; we are human beings, not animals.”

(By now I have the washroom door opened.)

Me: “Do you still need my help or may I return to the woman I was assisting?”

(Without saying anything, he entered the washroom and slammed the door in my face.)

Boss: “Okay. I know this sucks, but we can’t sell the couch in the display window because they sent it without legs, but we’re completely full and there’s literally nowhere else to put it. There’s no price on it, but if anyone gives you trouble you can call [Assistant Manager] at the other location.”

(Of course, as soon as he leaves…)

Customer: “So, how much is the couch in the window?”

Me: “I’m so sorry, that couch isn’t for sale right now; it’s missing parts.”

(The usual back and forth: “Sell it to me!” “No, I can’t.”)

Me: “If you’d like, I can call a manager to confirm what I’m telling you.”

Customer: *smugly, like she thinks I’m just being lazy and the manager is going to tell her something different* “Fine.”

(I call the manager and explain the situation.)

Manager: “Let me talk to her.”

(I hand the customer the phone, and the manager tells her exactly what I just did. The customer throws the phone at me and storms off. I pick up the phone.)

Manager: “I heard a crash; is everything okay?”

Me: “Yep.”

Manager: “Did she throw the phone at you?!”

Me: “Yep!”

(This happened when I was in high school, and the best part was I recognized the customer as a teacher at my school. You definitely want someone who gets aggressive about a couch teaching!)

(I am a cashier.)

Me: “Hi. Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Customer: “Why? Are you hiding something?”

(I work in a popular discount shoe store, and I am putting stock away when a customer walks in wearing a white tank-top, a thick gold chain, and a fake fur coat.)

Customer: “Hey. Do you guys sell men’s boots?”

Me: “Yup, they’re in the next aisle over.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Hey, what’s on your necklace?”

Me: “It’s an octopus and a clock face.” *spreads the charms out to show him*

Customer: “Cool! Hey, did you know that when octopuses mate, the male shoves its tentacle p***k into the female’s brain so they literally f*** each other’s brains out?”

Me: “I’ll remember that for trivia night, sir.”

(He then went to go look at boots as if nothing had happened at all.)