It’s A Christmas Carol Miracle

, , , , , , , | Working | December 25, 2018

(I am a cashier and it’s Christmas time. For some reason, we can’t hear the music at the tills so, trying to stay sane, I’m singing Christmas carols. My coworkers are having fun bugging me about my singing — “You’re scaring the customers out of the store,” “My ears are bleeding,” etc. On my lunch, I grab some things I need and go through the till. I pay, and the till freezes. Normally, it just takes a minute to unfreeze, and in that time, we get into the habit of threatening the computer.)

Me: “If you don’t start working, I’ll kick you, and I’m wearing my steel toes.”

Coworker: “Not scary enough.”

Me: “I’ll start singing again.”

(The computer instantly starts working.)

Coworker: *laughing* “Now that’s scary!”


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Unable To Help Yourself

, , , , | Right | December 22, 2018

(I’m waiting in line at the self-checkout. I watch this exchange happen between an associate and two customers.)

Customer: “Ugh, I can’t get this—“ *gestures to bookshelf* “—onto the scanner to scan!”

Associate: *busy helping another customer*

Customer: *shouting* “Did you hear me?! I can’t get it to scan!”

Associate: *turns to face woman but doesn’t move closer* “Ma’am, there’s a hand scanner on top of the machine; use that.”

Customer: *huffy, grabs the scanner* “Well, what do I look like, a cashier?”

(Finally, the customer’s friend, who has been quiet the entire time, says:)

Customer’s Friend: “No, but you look like an idiot who doesn’t know how to use a self-checkout and throws a tantrum.”

(The customer got really quiet and left in a hurry after that!)

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Refuse To Mead You In The Middle

, , , , | Right | November 27, 2018

(Every year the pub I work at releases a special mead that causes a line going on for blocks at a time. The stuff is pretty potent, sitting at 10.5% alcohol, so people get thrashed fairly quickly on the stuff. Over the years, the owners have learned to cut people off after two half-pints, otherwise the bathrooms are covered in pink vomit every evening. A gentleman who has had his two half-pints approaches my two coworkers and me as we’re selling the off-sale bottles.)

Customer: *a little slurred* “Can I get mead here?”

Coworker #1: “Of course! If you come over to me I can ring through your receipt and—”

Customer: “Because they cut me off out there!”

(My coworkers and I stand there in awkward silence as he reaches out to grab a six pack.)

Me: “Oh, if you go see [Coworker #1], she can get you your receipt, and you can then take your mead!”

Customer: *stands there and gives me this hateful look of drunken rage*

Coworker #1: “Sir, if you come over here I can get you your receipt!”

(The customer slowly lets go of the six pack and stumbles over to the cash register, catching himself on the counter.)

Me: *whispering to [Coworker #2]* “Dude, I don’t like that he has car keys in his hand. He’s in no condition to drive whatsoever.”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, that’s an accident waiting to happen.”

Customer: *while slurring badly* “I remember when we could drink as much mead as we wanted! I’d have a full pitcher of it!”

Coworker #1: “Well, we don’t do that anymore because sometimes people get a little bit crazy after too much to drink.”

(The customer takes his receipt and continues to yap about “the good days of bingeing” while grabbing his six pack and heading for the door. Luckily, as he is leaving, his son comes in and takes the six pack while carrying him out of the pub.)

Me: “Thank God somebody came to pick him up. The keys in his hands were making me nervous.”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, I was about to offer to call him a cab before he got somebody killed.”

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Wall-To-Wall Stubbornness

, , , , , | Right | November 8, 2018

(I work in a bakery that shares a wall with a restaurant. There are no doors, windows, or openings of any kind on this wall. One day, a man comes through the sales part of the bakery and right into the kitchen.)

Me: *startled* “I’m sorry, sir, but you can’t be back here.”

Man: *patronizingly* “Oh, it’s okay.”

Me: “Actually, it’s not. I can take you up to the front if you’d like to order something.”

Man: “I don’t want anything from here! I’m going to [Restaurant].”

Me: “Oh, you can’t get there from here. You’ll have to go in their front door.”

Man: “No, I don’t; I’m going in their side door.”

Me: “Um… Okay. If you can find the side door, you are welcome to go through it.”

Man: “Hmph! That’s more like it!” *sees the solid wall and storms off*

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The Phone That Cried Wolf

, , , , , , | Related | September 26, 2018

I am sixteen. The flip phone I have doesn’t have customizable ringtones, just the ones that came with it. I’ve been struggling to notice when my phone rings, so I am cycling through all the preset ringtones to find one that will get my attention. I finally decide to try “wolf howl.” How could I not notice that?

A few weeks later I am waiting for a bus and I hear a dog just going nuts, nonstop. I keep turning to try and figure out where it is coming from, but it always seems to be behind me no matter where I turn.

Finally, the bus comes, the sound stops, and I forget about it.

Until I get home… And my mom yells at me for not answering my phone.

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